This Week on, “Ask Hottywood!”

Dear Hottywood, 

My pal calls or texts me nearly a hundred times a day with some cockamamie story about him being victimized in some way. The bottom line is he is a chronic complainer. What can I do to make him stop?

Sign,

Hear No Evil See No Evil

Dear Hear No Evil See No Evil,

Get Over YourselfUnfortunately the only way to get him to chill with the complaints is to sew his lips shut with barbed wire – although that might run the risk of you sitting the rest of your life out in an electric chair, which coincidentally is your next option.

Sadly, most chronic complainers don’t view themselves as complainers at all. They believe what they are doing is sharing entertaining stories with you. And since you listen, they find no reason to stop. You’re going to have to be truthful with him and kick him in the throat; tell him he’s depressing the shit out of you; tell him he’s sucking the air out of his own existence and yours, too; tell him he needs to learn how to appreciate the happier things in life.  You should be warned though that anything you do or say will cause him to think you don’t want to hear about his gripes. And even though you don’t, he’ll take it much more harshly than the pain of being kicked in the throat.

Being truthful by telling him that he’s not exactly a ray of sunshine will be nothing more than a waste of your time and the pin that pops the balloon of your friendship. You can top his victimizing stories with your own, but that takes more effort than what’s it worth. You can saw your ears off with a fingernail file, but ears make a person so much more appealing. You can drown yourself in a pitcher of water, but that’s not as easy as it sounds. Believe me. I’ve tried.

I’ll tell you what you should do. Build a carbon copy of yourself out of Popsicle sticks and Elmer’s glue. He’ll be so consumed in himself that he won’t realize that you’re more bored stiff than usual. He’ll keep going on and on and on and the reaction that he doesn’t get out of you will easily be mistaken for your overwhelming interest in his less than interesting story. Problem solved!

No need to thank me. Hottywood Helps! It’s what I do.

 

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