Hottywood’s HORRORscopes: Week of May 19-25, 2013

Unpredictable

The month is May; the year 2013. Let’s see what kind of luck is seen and unseen. Hold on to your shorts because this will be a ride as good luck and bad luck unluckily collides.

Below are Hottywood’s cookie fortunes as revealed by the moon and the sun, and the itch on the bottom of his foot.

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Capricorn

December 22 – January 19

Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.

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Aquarius

January 20 – February 18

If you ever wonder why frisbees get bigger as they get closer, wait. It’ll hit you.

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Pisces

February 19 – March 20

Your next idea will be two sizes too small for your head. Either your ideas are too small or your head is too big.

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Aries

March 21 – April 19

Do not use a hatchet to remove a fly from your friend’s forehead.

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Taurus

April 20 – May 20

Can’t get rid of a cough? Go home and eat a whole box of Ex-Lax, then you’ll be afraid to cough. Problem solved.

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Gemini

May 21 – June 20

You’re filled with a bunch of creative %#@! called crap.

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Cancer

June 21 – July 22

If you’re lucky you’ll run across a dragon slayer who’s peddling his weapons as kitchen utensils.

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Leo

July 23 – August 22

You have what it takes to make sleeping a competitive event in the world Olympics.

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Virgo

August 23 – September 22

The one thing your stomach craves the most is the one thing you will not have in your refrigerator.

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Libra

September 23 – October 22

Beware of being held prisoner in a Chinese laundry.

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Scorpio

October 23 – November 21

A day without sunshine is like night.

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Sagittarius

November 22 – December 21

A fool is a 37th floor window washer who steps backs to see his work.

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Quote of the week:   “Did you ever notice: When you put the 2 words ‘The’ and ‘IRS’ together it spells ‘THEIRS’?

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