This Week on, “Ask Hottywood!”

Dear Hottywood, 

I have absolutely no energy today. I don’t know why. I didn’t do anything all weekend. Now in addition to me having no energy, enthusiasm or motivation, I have the Monday blues. I’m grouchy and I don’t want anyone to talk to me even less than I want to speak to anyone else. Do you have any suggestions for a pick-me-up? 

Slave to the Weekend,

Dear Slave to the Weekend,

SoTiredConsidering you just told me that you sat on your ass all weekend, telling you to slow down from a busy lifestyle to get a proper amount of rest is out the window. Besides eating properly (inhaling fewer double bacon cheeseburgers), hydrating (excluding root beer floats and malt liquor beers) and exercising (jack rabbit sex does not fall into this category…this time), sleeping should do the trick to boost your energy.

But if the rest you’ve gotten from doing nothing all weekend hasn’t motivated you to be an active member of society; if you’ve eaten only half of a cheeseburger, a quarter less of a root beer float and had sex with yourself by yourself, and you’re still tired, chances are your lack of energy comes from you being lazy. And if that’s the case, increasing your energy levels must begin with you wanting to do something more than wasting space.

Here are a few practical suggestions for you:

Do interesting things.

Find something interesting to do with your time like making fun of people whose socks don’t match the rest of their outfit. You’ll find that laughter is a natural recharge for most Earthlings.

Music is always a good way to re-energize yourself provided you aren’t deaf. If you’re deaf, you obviously can’t hear any music and therefore this suggestion is of no use to you.

Read more (shameless plug).

Reduce Stress.

You’d be surprised how much cleaning up your clutter (especially your house/bedroom and negative, pointless and/or stupid people in your life) will zap your psyche and pull you to your feet.

Spend less time pretending to care about things you don’t care about like listening to someone actually answer your question when you robotically ask, “How are you doing today?”

Take frequent bubble baths and showers (or bird baths in public restrooms – however you keep your ass clean) in order to keep your body from carrying heavy amounts of filth build-up. Being dirty is hard work and hard work is a proven fact of making anyone tired [or lazy].


Have a lot of sex with a lot of people; preferably random people that you don’t know. Not only will it boost your energy; it will boost your ego. It’ll also boost your chances of contracting an STD, but hey – you can’t win ‘em all.

Tell the Chinese carryout cooks to increase the number of shrimp they put in your egg rolls. If your egg rolls are heavier, you’ll have a stronger chance of increasing your muscle mass, particularly your six pack one pack stomach muscle.

If none of these suggestions help your case then you are a lost cause and there’s nothing I, nor anyone else, can do for you.

Best of luck.


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