Below are Hottywood’s cookie fortunes as revealed by the moon and the sun, and the itch on the bottom of his foot.
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Capricorn
December 22 – January 19
If a long term relationship is what you seek, start investing now in shares of Grey Goose because the idiot that agrees to date you is sure to drive you to drink.
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Aquarius
January 20 – February 18
A paper weight has a more interesting story to tell than you.
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Pisces
February 19 – March 20
Get your fill of food by eating all the free samples at the local Sam’s, Costco or BJ’s. In other words, this week don’t change your already greedy and cheap ways.
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Aries
March 21 – April 19
Ancient Scandinavians believed the Holiest Cow “Auðumbla” was the one that suckled the Gods. You may not know what that means but it’ll sound good in your head for the rest of the day.
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Taurus
April 20 – May 20
Someone is itching to punch you in the throat for your overly eternal optimism, incessant cheerfulness and sunny disposition. And by “someone” I mean the homeless guy standing behind you.
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Gemini
May 21 – June 20
You should host a BYOB weekend bash this weekend and invite only your closest imaginary friends. Don’t be offended if no one shows up.
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Cancer
June 21 – July 22
The socially awkward will cling to you like a static sock to a pant leg.
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Leo
July 23 – August 22
Your personality is an exact replica of a bill collector.
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Virgo
August 23 – September 22
Ebonics and teenage slang count as being bilingual.
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Libra
September 23 – October 22
You might be genetically linked to whatever the crap is that makes jeans fall off someone’s ass.
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Scorpio
October 23 – November 21
A rabbit with a gun is more dangerous than a dog without a leg to hump – arguably.
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Sagittarius
November 22 – December 21
If a charlatan shows a brief bit of interest in you, it’s probably because you are stranger than they are. Go for it. You may not get this chance again for many moons.
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Quote of the week: “Sometimes not getting what you want is a wonderful stroke of luck.”
