Below are Hottywood’s cookie fortunes as revealed by the moon and the sun, and the itch on the bottom of his foot.

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Capricorn

December 22 – January 19

If a long term relationship is what you seek, start investing now in shares of Grey Goose because the idiot that agrees to date you is sure to drive you to drink.

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Aquarius

January 20 – February 18

A paper weight has a more interesting story to tell than you.

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Pisces

February 19 – March 20

Get your fill of food by eating all the free samples at the local Sam’s, Costco or BJ’s. In other words, this week don’t change your already greedy and cheap ways.

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Aries

March 21 – April 19

Ancient Scandinavians believed the Holiest Cow “Auðumbla” was the one that suckled the Gods. You may not know what that means but it’ll sound good in your head for the rest of the day.

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Taurus

April 20 – May 20

Someone is itching to punch you in the throat for your overly eternal optimism, incessant cheerfulness and sunny disposition. And by “someone” I mean the homeless guy standing behind you.

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Gemini

May 21 – June 20

You should host a BYOB weekend bash this weekend and invite only your closest imaginary friends. Don’t be offended if no one shows up.

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Cancer

June 21 – July 22

The socially awkward will cling to you like a static sock to a pant leg.

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Leo

July 23 – August 22

Your personality is an exact replica of a bill collector.

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Virgo

August 23 – September 22

Ebonics and teenage slang count as being bilingual.

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Libra

September 23 – October 22

You might be genetically linked to whatever the crap is that makes jeans  fall off someone’s ass.

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Scorpio

October 23 – November 21

A rabbit with a gun is more dangerous than a dog without a leg to hump – arguably.

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Sagittarius

November 22 – December 21

If a charlatan shows a brief bit of interest in you, it’s probably because you are stranger than they are. Go for it. You may not get this chance again for many moons.

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Quote of the week:    “Sometimes not getting what you want is a wonderful stroke of luck.”