Needed or Not?

Pee PeeUndergarments (or underwear) have been worn for over 7000 years (according to the research I found on the internet. I was surprised because the bible conditioned me to go back in time only 2000 years, but hey I’ve been known to fall off the little yellow bus every now and then).

The history of undergarments has gone from the very simple loincloth to some rather elaborate lingerie. Although we primarily wear underwear to protect our outerwear, it is also worn to provide support, to keep us warm, and even to be fashionable (thanks Madonna; George Clinton!). Today we are going to gripe over the opening in the crotch of men’s boxer shorts. I know it’s a rather strange topic to discuss but so what? It’s a free country, right?

It’s easy to assume that the crotch opening is merely for easy access when a man needs to whip out his family jewels to go number one behind a bush. It could also provide easy access in other situations that I’d only be at liberty to say out loud on paper if this were an erotica article. So for all you readers out there that have your mind in a gutter, join the club! My mind is in the gutter, too. And yes, we’re thinking about the same thing(s), but that’s not the point of this post.

Though those reasons are a good enough raison d’être to have a hole in your underwear, it can not go unnoticed when that hole is a mere inconvenience to the man wearing the draws. For example, when your Johnson decides to play peek-a-boo outside of that crotch opening while you’re zipping up your jeans (OUCH!); or when you’re walking and it decides to play peek-a-boo outside of the open crotch window while inside your trousers, leaving you to walk funny or bring a great amount of attention to your groin area as you stroll down the street, office hallway, or the center aisle of a Baptist church sanctuary.

To the lazy man that thought it a good idea to put a crotch opening in a pair of boxer shorts, let me be the first to say your idea was ingenious. I can’t tell you the number of times I’ve thrown up a fist bump or a symbolic high five for not having to completely unbutton my pants when standing at a McDonald’s urinal while waiting for my fries to cook. In contrast though, I have to say you didn’t think this plan out all the way. You didn’t consider the possibility of a man’s private parts sticking its head out of the window when having inappropriate thoughts during a staff meeting or some other ambiguous situation.

While I won’t be too critical for the money you drew in off of one lazy idea (okay, I could be hating just a little bit), I will say that the crotch opening in a man’s underwear is further proof that even the most perfect things are and/or can be flawed.

Now if you’ll excuse me I have to go take a potty break, and lucky for me I only have to do number one!

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Quote of the Week: “In department stores, so much kitchen equipment is bought indiscriminately by people who just come in for men’s underwear.” – Julia Childs

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Hottywood’s HORRORscopes: Week of June 23-29, 2013

Find out what your luck has in store for you this week.

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Capricorn

December 22 – January 19

You are as cranky as a kangaroo with a porcupine in its pouch.

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Aquarius

January 20 – February 18

Never trust a man to hold your sandwich whose deodorant is a clump of dirt.

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Pisces

February 19 – March 20

Super glue is a woman’s best friend when it comes to summertime humidity hair frizz and morning breath.

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Aries

March 21 – April 19

Taking a ruler to bed is one way of measuring the length of time you sleep.

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Taurus

April 20 – May 20

Warm and fuzzy would describe your characteristics perfectly if you were sewn together and stuffed with feathers.

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Gemini

May 21 – June 20

Squeaky wheels aren’t squeaky if the wheels are square.

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Cancer

June 21 – July 22

Your best ideas come from a condemned consignment store in Utah.

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Leo

July 23 – August 22

A magic ski mask will grant you a knack for making money.

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Virgo

August 23 – September 22

You are always hungry and good at puzzles, which will not mean a damn thing at your next job interview.

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Libra

September 23 – October 22

M&M spelled backwards is M&M.

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Scorpio

October 23 – November 21

You are an unscrupulous pit sniffer who will sell your relatives’ limbs just to buy a cell phone.

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Sagittarius

November 22 – December 21

Your grandmother’s quilt has more personality than you.

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Quote of the week:  “Gossip is the art of saying nothing in a way that leaves practically nothing unsaid.”

This Week on, “Ask Hottywood!”

Dear Hottywood,

The last two weeks have been extremely challenging. Everything happened that I thought was unthinkable. I got slapped in the face by people with no hands and kicked so much until my knees fell off, cutting me down to size. I’m usually the person that people turn to for guidance or just a general good time. But now that I’m in a dark place, no one wants to be bothered. Outside of reading your Hottywood Helps funnies, what can I do to get myself out of my funk? 

Who Can I Run To 

Dear Who Can I Run To,

No TimeI have to admit, being a man self-proclaimed to have all the answers for everyone (but myself at times) is easier than it looks/sounds. Since you’ve come to the right place I’ll let you in on this little secret; when you have no one else to turn to or no other place to run and hide, the best place to find comfort isn’t just in the bible, it’s inside the pages of a bad celebrity gossip magazine – preferably InTouch or Life & Style. It’s always nice to read about people who make waaaaaaaay more money than you, date hotter people, live in nicer homes, and drive better cars, and are feeling just as crappy, if not worse, than you are. That lets you know that even greater, more popular, and often untouchable people are just as normal and miserable as, well…you.

Find yourself a hobby, like making bracelets out of a box of Cheerios cereal. The creative distraction will take your mind off your troubles and will also help you to realize that it’s time to change your situation when you’ve been reduced to making bracelets made out of some dry ass cereal (it also tastes great!).

As for your peeps that don’t want to be bothered when you’re down and out…wave that delicious bracelet in their face(s) – all two of them – and be the first to yell, “No greedies!” They may think you’re being funny but in that moment, you will have made someone laugh while bringing joy to yourself, knowing that you are serious as shit.

Let me know how things turn out for you.

Hottywood

Hottywood’s HORRORscopes: Week of June 9-15, 2013

bird poo good bad luck

Find out what your luck has in store for you this week.

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Capricorn

December 22 – January 19

Pray that your enemy is strong and brave so that when you kick his ass you will not be ashamed.

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Aquarius

January 20 – February 18

Man with penis in peanut butter jar is nuts.

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Pisces

February 19 – March 20

A man that has eaten too much cake and has to be carried to a toilet has no idea how far away the bathroom really is.

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Aries

March 21 – April 19

When a fox walks lame, an old rabbit jumps. Your day will depend on whether or not you can figure out what the hell this means.

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Taurus

April 20 – May 20

You are a sexual leach that has an airbag for a headboard.

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Gemini

May 21 – June 20

You think you are playing hard to get when in fact you are playing easy to resist.

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Cancer

June 21 – July 22

A man does not wander far from where his corn is roasting unless he really has to pee.

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Leo

July 23 – August 22

Indecision is your enemy today. If you don’t wash your hands, you are dirty. If you do wash your hands, you are wasting water. #@%! it all.

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Virgo

August 23 – September 22

Remember, somewhere out there an eagle died by an arrow made of its own feathers. When you think about it, it takes a weak eagle to die from some damn feathers.

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Libra

September 23 – October 22

Hello. Welcome to planet pocket protector.

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Scorpio

October 23 – November 21

Whoever said day and night can not dwell together has never heard of Stevie Wonder or Ray Charles.

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Sagittarius

November 22 – December 21

It’s possible you may not look as handsome to others as you do to yourself. This is a nice way of telling you to clean your glasses.

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Quote of the week:    “Listen to what they say about others and you will know what they say about you.”

This Week on, “Ask Hottywood!”

Dear Hottywood, 

Some new neighbors moved into my building about two weeks ago and they are proving themselves to be unruly. Between the weed smoking and the night time fights, they are driving me crazy. Before I call the police, do you have any suggestions for me to get them to calm down? 

Gladys Kravitz

Dear Gladys,

Loud NeighborsI have to be straight up with you and say there isn’t much you can do legally to get your neighbors to tone it down outside of calling the police and complaining. You could knock on their door and ask them kindly to shut the phuck up, but depending on where you live and the type of neighbors they are, that would be a disaster waiting to happen.

It should come as no surprise that I have a million ideas running through my mind that will answer your question. None of which I’d recommend aloud in front of anyone that carries a badge, a gun or a 2×4, however I promise they’d all work in your favor. Instead of listing those ideas here, click on this link to see where my head is.

Man vs. Wild: The Rise and Fall of the Nuisance Neighbor

If all else fails, start a neighborhood watch in your neighborhood and convince every participating member to stand outside of your neighbors’ door while carrying pitch forks and burning torches (if you bake the members of the neighborhood watch group some weed-laced muffins, you can get them to do anything you want). Maybe you can scare some sense into those nuisance neighbors of yours. You may want to stand in back of the crowd, though, so they won’t recognize you. If they notice you’re a part of the angry mob, they just may wait for you to come home late one night ready to beat the hell out of you.

In the meantime, beating them at their own game would be my first and last suggestion before calling the police. Not only is it personally satisfying and could possibly earn you a lot of street cred (or could make you the center of a bunch of neighborhood gossip), it’s a lot more fun!

Good luck.

Hottywood

 

HottywoodHelps.com Nominated for a Liebster (not Lobster) Award

liebster-awardJust when that annoying indestructible strand of nipple hair had finally fallen out, I didn’t think things could get any better until my friends over at SmashingThroughLife  nominated HottywoodHelps.com for a Liebster award.

Of course at first I had no idea what the hell a Lobster Liebster award was or why I was nominated for it, but if I’m being recognized for anything other than winning a pie eating contest, it’s all good with me, so thanks SmashingThroughLife. Folks, if you’ve not visited their website yet, get off your ass and go over there now. It’s some good stuff. If you don’t, you will forever walk into invisible spider webs with your mouth open.

Since you asked, I know you didn’t really but I’m going to tell you anyway what the Liebster award is. The Liebster award is a recognition that’s given to small bloggers by other small bloggers. There isn’t any money or chicken wings associated with the award (although there should be) but it’s nice to know that others are reading some unknown and/or underground blogs other than the blogger and the two or three people he’s holding hostage and forcing to stomach his/her literary works. If you are lucky enough to receive a nomination for this prestigious award like I have, then the universe (and by “universe” I mean the judges and nominators) request that you stop being lazy for just a second to do the following things.

  1. Thank the Liebster Blog presenter who nominated you and link back to their blog. That’s just common courtesy like saying “please,” “thank you,” and “pass the damn jelly!”
  2. Post 11 facts about yourself, answering the 11 questions you were asked and create 11 questions for your nominees.
  3. Nominate 11 blogs who you feel deserve to be noticed and leave a comment on their blog letting them know they have been chosen.
  4. Display the Liebster Award logo.
  5. No tag back thingy’s.

Also as part of the process, it is asked that you reveal some interesting (and sometimes intrusive) facts about yourself by answering some questions that have been posed by the nominator (see #2 above). For example, below you’ll find some questions that SmashingThroughLife asked me. I don’t know if the answers I provided were exactly what was expected, but I’m going to assume part of the reason I was nominated for the Liebster award is because there’s no telling what the hell I will say next.

  1. How do you take your eggs? I take them out of the carton while I’m still inside the supermarket when no one is looking and place them inside my shirt or pants. Usually I look like I have man boobs or really big balls. Almost always no one has the “balls” to ask any questions. After I’ve taken and carefully hidden the eggs inside my clothes, I walk out of the store very quickly and very, very carefully.
  2. What is the best concert you’ve ever been to? The best concert I’ve ever been to was any concert where one of my personalities serenaded my other personalities in Russian Pig Latin. I may not have been able to translate any of the lyrics, but music like farting, is a universal language.
  3. What’s hiding under your bed right now? Dents in the floor from where I tried to cave in my downstairs neighbors’ ceiling after listening to one of their drunken late night trysts. Arguably I could have been jealous that I wasn’t invited or involved, but that’s not the question at hand now is it?
  4. Worst book you ever read, maybe you couldn’t even finish it. What was it? The book was called ‘Behind the Velvet Ropes’. I don’t remember much about it except that it made me wish I had a velvet rope tied around my neck with the other end [of the rope] attached to any car involved in a high speed police chase.
  5. How do you like your pizza topped? Duh. I like my pizza topped with another pizza.
  6. What’s the most outrageous thing you’ve ever eaten?  Pickled raven’s wings. …don’t ask.
  7. What is the most played song on your iPod?Bitch Please’ by Lil Wayne because the words are so romantic. Some of the lyrics say: “Stop lying, bitch,” and “Look into my eyes, ho.”
  8. Would you or do you go to the movies alone? I probably would go to the movies alone as long as it’s a matinee and there’s no one there to see me by myself, and no one there to think I have no friends. However I’m never alone and I never go anywhere alone. I have too many voices in my head. At least that’s what they tell me.
  9. When was the last time you got so drunk you couldn’t remember anything the next morning? I don’t know. I don’t remember. Last night is highly possible, though. Wait, what was the question?
  10. Something that makes you smile every single time you think of it. What is it? The thought of tying my old supervisor’s shoe strings to the back of an Amtrak train. He may not like it but I’d sure get a kick out of it. In fact, I’m smiling now just thinking about it.
  11. What is the bravest thing you’ve ever done? The bravest thing I’ve ever done was flip my desk upside down, set it on fire and mooned an entire office of people while in the process of quitting my job (not necessarily in that order). Oh wait, you mean in real life? If you mean in real life, the bravest thing I think I’ve done was drop my pants to my ankles while peeing standing up.

Now that you’ve gotten all into my business, let me share with you a list of the blogs I’ve chosen to nominate for the Liebster award. I hope they take the time to follow directions and answer the 11 questions I’ve put together so that I and everyone in the blogisphere can get to know them a little better.

  1. Ned’s Blog
  2. Smashing Through Life
  3. Marriagecoach1’s Blog
  4. Dream Free or Die
  5. Sen1989 “The Prince of Urban Media”
  6. Stuff Black People Hate
  7. MDM Associates
  8. The Human Water Cooler
  9. Dark Office Humor
  10. My Everyday Power Blog
  11. Elife Advice

Nominated bloggers, please answer the 11 questions below:

  1. Do you hover over toilets in public bathrooms?
  2. What body part do you wash first?
  3. What’s the strangest talent that you don’t have?
  4. What’s one common reason all of your exes share for dumping you?
  5. If you had to choose between never washing your bed sheets and never washing your bath towel again, which would you choose?
  6. If you were the only man/woman on Earth with the very last McDonald’s French fry, where would you hide?
  7. When was the last time you played an air guitar?
  8. Name something that you do alone that you wouldn’t do in front of others.
  9. Have you ever sniffed an armadillo’s butt (if not, you’ve not lived)?
  10. How often do you clean out your belly button?
  11. Have you ever found your girlfriend’s/boyfriend’s brother/sister/friend more attractive than them?

So that’s what it is, my people. I’ve been nominated for an award; answered some questions about myself for all of you that are nosy enough to care (or not to care); and I’ve given my nominations for those I think are worthy enough to be recognized. What the hell more do you want from me? Geez.

As I pack my long tree branch with a bunch of personal things wrapped up in a bandana tied to the end of the stick, I want to say “much love to you all” before I take my hike! Let us all remember 90% of any effort is getting started. The other 10% leaves you too tired to care about finishing what took you so long to start in the first place.

Again, thanks for nominating Hottywood Helps. Now you won’t have to wake up to glass bottle caps under your car tire every morning.

Hottywood’s HORRORscopes: Week of June 2-8, 2013

Not a good idea

Below are Hottywood’s cookie fortunes as revealed by the moon,  the sun, and the itch on the bottom of his foot.

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Capricorn

December 22 – January 19

You’ve not lived until you have experienced the taste of your own foot in your mouth. Preferably with ketchup.

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Aquarius

January 20 – February 18

What does your day look like tomorrow? Put it this way; if nightmare and disaster got married, they would have a really ugly baby.

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Pisces

February 19 – March 20

The proper response after receiving an uninvitation to a social gathering is, “I’d love to not come but I’m already not going to another party.”

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Aries

March 21 – April 19

Intense masturbation aimed in the direction of a Nintendo game set may cause cancer.

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Taurus

April 20 – May 20

The answer for any question you are asked today (regardless of what the question is) should be, “The ever-evolving bastardization of the written and spoken language as a result of social and cultural idolization of uneducated, unintelligable celebrities.”

Good luck saying that three times fast.

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Gemini

May 21 – June 20

You have what it takes to make sleeping a competitive event in the world Olympics.

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Cancer

June 21 – July 22

For good luck, rub the heel of your foot on a bald man’s head. Note: The good luck will come after you get punched. 

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Leo

July 23 – August 22

If you know what a NILF is, you’re smarter than what anyone gives you credit for. You’re also very horny and probably need to take your ass to church ASAP.

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Virgo

August 23 – September 22

Cursing is in deed a language in itself and is considerable to deem one bilingual, dammit!

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Libra

September 23 – October 22

Bribe a bill collector with Monopoly money and a butter sandwich.

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Scorpio

October 23 – November 21

If at all possible try to avoid hanging with massholes. A masshole is another way of describing a clique or group of people whose personalities all stink like shit.

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Sagittarius

November 22 – December 21

You will have the taste of Kung Pao Beef in your mouth for the next two days.

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Quote of the week:    “Anything you do sober you can do while you’re high from pot. It’s just that when you’re high, you realize that nothing you do is worth the effort.”