Undergarments (or underwear) have been worn for over 7000 years (according to the research I found on the internet. I was surprised because the bible conditioned me to go back in time only 2000 years, but hey I’ve been known to fall off the little yellow bus every now and then).
The history of undergarments has gone from the very simple loincloth to some rather elaborate lingerie. Although we primarily wear underwear to protect our outerwear, it is also worn to provide support, to keep us warm, and even to be fashionable (thanks Madonna; George Clinton!). Today we are going to gripe over the opening in the crotch of men’s boxer shorts. I know it’s a rather strange topic to discuss but so what? It’s a free country, right?
It’s easy to assume that the crotch opening is merely for easy access when a man needs to whip out his family jewels to go number one behind a bush. It could also provide easy access in other situations that I’d only be at liberty to say out loud on paper if this were an erotica article. So for all you readers out there that have your mind in a gutter, join the club! My mind is in the gutter, too. And yes, we’re thinking about the same thing(s), but that’s not the point of this post.
Though those reasons are a good enough raison d’être to have a hole in your underwear, it can not go unnoticed when that hole is a mere inconvenience to the man wearing the draws. For example, when your Johnson decides to play peek-a-boo outside of that crotch opening while you’re zipping up your jeans (OUCH!); or when you’re walking and it decides to play peek-a-boo outside of the open crotch window while inside your trousers, leaving you to walk funny or bring a great amount of attention to your groin area as you stroll down the street, office hallway, or the center aisle of a Baptist church sanctuary.
To the lazy man that thought it a good idea to put a crotch opening in a pair of boxer shorts, let me be the first to say your idea was ingenious. I can’t tell you the number of times I’ve thrown up a fist bump or a symbolic high five for not having to completely unbutton my pants when standing at a McDonald’s urinal while waiting for my fries to cook. In contrast though, I have to say you didn’t think this plan out all the way. You didn’t consider the possibility of a man’s private parts sticking its head out of the window when having inappropriate thoughts during a staff meeting or some other ambiguous situation.
While I won’t be too critical for the money you drew in off of one lazy idea (okay, I could be hating just a little bit), I will say that the crotch opening in a man’s underwear is further proof that even the most perfect things are and/or can be flawed.
Now if you’ll excuse me I have to go take a potty break, and lucky for me I only have to do number one!
Quote of the Week: “In department stores, so much kitchen equipment is bought indiscriminately by people who just come in for men’s underwear.” – Julia Childs