Below are Hottywood’s cookie fortunes as revealed by the moon, the sun, and the itch on the bottom of his foot.
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Capricorn
December 22 – January 19
You’ve not lived until you have experienced the taste of your own foot in your mouth. Preferably with ketchup.
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Aquarius
January 20 – February 18
What does your day look like tomorrow? Put it this way; if nightmare and disaster got married, they would have a really ugly baby.
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Pisces
February 19 – March 20
The proper response after receiving an uninvitation to a social gathering is, “I’d love to not come but I’m already not going to another party.”
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Aries
March 21 – April 19
Intense masturbation aimed in the direction of a Nintendo game set may cause cancer.
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Taurus
April 20 – May 20
The answer for any question you are asked today (regardless of what the question is) should be, “The ever-evolving bastardization of the written and spoken language as a result of social and cultural idolization of uneducated, unintelligable celebrities.”
Good luck saying that three times fast.
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Gemini
May 21 – June 20
You have what it takes to make sleeping a competitive event in the world Olympics.
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Cancer
June 21 – July 22
For good luck, rub the heel of your foot on a bald man’s head. Note: The good luck will come after you get punched.
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Leo
July 23 – August 22
If you know what a NILF is, you’re smarter than what anyone gives you credit for. You’re also very horny and probably need to take your ass to church ASAP.
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Virgo
August 23 – September 22
Cursing is in deed a language in itself and is considerable to deem one bilingual, dammit!
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Libra
September 23 – October 22
Bribe a bill collector with Monopoly money and a butter sandwich.
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Scorpio
October 23 – November 21
If at all possible try to avoid hanging with massholes. A masshole is another way of describing a clique or group of people whose personalities all stink like shit.
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Sagittarius
November 22 – December 21
You will have the taste of Kung Pao Beef in your mouth for the next two days.
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Quote of the week: “Anything you do sober you can do while you’re high from pot. It’s just that when you’re high, you realize that nothing you do is worth the effort.”
I thought about having a t-shirt made with your great “masshole” definition on it, then realized it would catch on and I’d find myself in a group with masshole t-shirts…
I’m glad you had that epiphany.