Below are Hottywood’s cookie fortunes as revealed by the moon,  the sun, and the itch on the bottom of his foot.

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Capricorn

December 22 – January 19

You’ve not lived until you have experienced the taste of your own foot in your mouth. Preferably with ketchup.

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Aquarius

January 20 – February 18

What does your day look like tomorrow? Put it this way; if nightmare and disaster got married, they would have a really ugly baby.

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Pisces

February 19 – March 20

The proper response after receiving an uninvitation to a social gathering is, “I’d love to not come but I’m already not going to another party.”

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Aries

March 21 – April 19

Intense masturbation aimed in the direction of a Nintendo game set may cause cancer.

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Taurus

April 20 – May 20

The answer for any question you are asked today (regardless of what the question is) should be, “The ever-evolving bastardization of the written and spoken language as a result of social and cultural idolization of uneducated, unintelligable celebrities.”

Good luck saying that three times fast.

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Gemini

May 21 – June 20

You have what it takes to make sleeping a competitive event in the world Olympics.

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Cancer

June 21 – July 22

For good luck, rub the heel of your foot on a bald man’s head. Note: The good luck will come after you get punched. 

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Leo

July 23 – August 22

If you know what a NILF is, you’re smarter than what anyone gives you credit for. You’re also very horny and probably need to take your ass to church ASAP.

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Virgo

August 23 – September 22

Cursing is in deed a language in itself and is considerable to deem one bilingual, dammit!

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Libra

September 23 – October 22

Bribe a bill collector with Monopoly money and a butter sandwich.

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Scorpio

October 23 – November 21

If at all possible try to avoid hanging with massholes. A masshole is another way of describing a clique or group of people whose personalities all stink like shit.

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Sagittarius

November 22 – December 21

You will have the taste of Kung Pao Beef in your mouth for the next two days.

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Quote of the week:    “Anything you do sober you can do while you’re high from pot. It’s just that when you’re high, you realize that nothing you do is worth the effort.”