This Week on, “Ask Hottywood!”

Dear Hottywood, 

Some new neighbors moved into my building about two weeks ago and they are proving themselves to be unruly. Between the weed smoking and the night time fights, they are driving me crazy. Before I call the police, do you have any suggestions for me to get them to calm down? 

Gladys Kravitz

Dear Gladys,

Loud NeighborsI have to be straight up with you and say there isn’t much you can do legally to get your neighbors to tone it down outside of calling the police and complaining. You could knock on their door and ask them kindly to shut the phuck up, but depending on where you live and the type of neighbors they are, that would be a disaster waiting to happen.

It should come as no surprise that I have a million ideas running through my mind that will answer your question. None of which I’d recommend aloud in front of anyone that carries a badge, a gun or a 2×4, however I promise they’d all work in your favor. Instead of listing those ideas here, click on this link to see where my head is.

Man vs. Wild: The Rise and Fall of the Nuisance Neighbor

If all else fails, start a neighborhood watch in your neighborhood and convince every participating member to stand outside of your neighbors’ door while carrying pitch forks and burning torches (if you bake the members of the neighborhood watch group some weed-laced muffins, you can get them to do anything you want). Maybe you can scare some sense into those nuisance neighbors of yours. You may want to stand in back of the crowd, though, so they won’t recognize you. If they notice you’re a part of the angry mob, they just may wait for you to come home late one night ready to beat the hell out of you.

In the meantime, beating them at their own game would be my first and last suggestion before calling the police. Not only is it personally satisfying and could possibly earn you a lot of street cred (or could make you the center of a bunch of neighborhood gossip), it’s a lot more fun!

Good luck.

Hottywood

 

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