Find out what your luck has in store for you this week.
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Capricorn
December 22 – January 19
Pray that your enemy is strong and brave so that when you kick his ass you will not be ashamed.
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Aquarius
January 20 – February 18
Man with penis in peanut butter jar is nuts.
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Pisces
February 19 – March 20
A man that has eaten too much cake and has to be carried to a toilet has no idea how far away the bathroom really is.
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Aries
March 21 – April 19
When a fox walks lame, an old rabbit jumps. Your day will depend on whether or not you can figure out what the hell this means.
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Taurus
April 20 – May 20
You are a sexual leach that has an airbag for a headboard.
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Gemini
May 21 – June 20
You think you are playing hard to get when in fact you are playing easy to resist.
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Cancer
June 21 – July 22
A man does not wander far from where his corn is roasting unless he really has to pee.
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Leo
July 23 – August 22
Indecision is your enemy today. If you don’t wash your hands, you are dirty. If you do wash your hands, you are wasting water. #@%! it all.
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Virgo
August 23 – September 22
Remember, somewhere out there an eagle died by an arrow made of its own feathers. When you think about it, it takes a weak eagle to die from some damn feathers.
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Libra
September 23 – October 22
Hello. Welcome to planet pocket protector.
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Scorpio
October 23 – November 21
Whoever said day and night can not dwell together has never heard of Stevie Wonder or Ray Charles.
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Sagittarius
November 22 – December 21
It’s possible you may not look as handsome to others as you do to yourself. This is a nice way of telling you to clean your glasses.
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Quote of the week: “Listen to what they say about others and you will know what they say about you.”
