Find out what your luck has in store for you this week.

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Capricorn

December 22 – January 19

Pray that your enemy is strong and brave so that when you kick his ass you will not be ashamed.

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Aquarius

January 20 – February 18

Man with penis in peanut butter jar is nuts.

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Pisces

February 19 – March 20

A man that has eaten too much cake and has to be carried to a toilet has no idea how far away the bathroom really is.

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Aries

March 21 – April 19

When a fox walks lame, an old rabbit jumps. Your day will depend on whether or not you can figure out what the hell this means.

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Taurus

April 20 – May 20

You are a sexual leach that has an airbag for a headboard.

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Gemini

May 21 – June 20

You think you are playing hard to get when in fact you are playing easy to resist.

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Cancer

June 21 – July 22

A man does not wander far from where his corn is roasting unless he really has to pee.

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Leo

July 23 – August 22

Indecision is your enemy today. If you don’t wash your hands, you are dirty. If you do wash your hands, you are wasting water. #@%! it all.

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Virgo

August 23 – September 22

Remember, somewhere out there an eagle died by an arrow made of its own feathers. When you think about it, it takes a weak eagle to die from some damn feathers.

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Libra

September 23 – October 22

Hello. Welcome to planet pocket protector.

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Scorpio

October 23 – November 21

Whoever said day and night can not dwell together has never heard of Stevie Wonder or Ray Charles.

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Sagittarius

November 22 – December 21

It’s possible you may not look as handsome to others as you do to yourself. This is a nice way of telling you to clean your glasses.

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Quote of the week:    “Listen to what they say about others and you will know what they say about you.”