Hottywood’s HORRORscopes: Week of June 23-29, 2013

Find out what your luck has in store for you this week.

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Capricorn

December 22 – January 19

You are as cranky as a kangaroo with a porcupine in its pouch.

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Aquarius

January 20 – February 18

Never trust a man to hold your sandwich whose deodorant is a clump of dirt.

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Pisces

February 19 – March 20

Super glue is a woman’s best friend when it comes to summertime humidity hair frizz and morning breath.

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Aries

March 21 – April 19

Taking a ruler to bed is one way of measuring the length of time you sleep.

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Taurus

April 20 – May 20

Warm and fuzzy would describe your characteristics perfectly if you were sewn together and stuffed with feathers.

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Gemini

May 21 – June 20

Squeaky wheels aren’t squeaky if the wheels are square.

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Cancer

June 21 – July 22

Your best ideas come from a condemned consignment store in Utah.

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Leo

July 23 – August 22

A magic ski mask will grant you a knack for making money.

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Virgo

August 23 – September 22

You are always hungry and good at puzzles, which will not mean a damn thing at your next job interview.

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Libra

September 23 – October 22

M&M spelled backwards is M&M.

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Scorpio

October 23 – November 21

You are an unscrupulous pit sniffer who will sell your relatives’ limbs just to buy a cell phone.

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Sagittarius

November 22 – December 21

Your grandmother’s quilt has more personality than you.

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Quote of the week:  “Gossip is the art of saying nothing in a way that leaves practically nothing unsaid.”

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10 thoughts on “Hottywood’s HORRORscopes: Week of June 23-29, 2013

  1. As a Leo, I can profess that you are absolutely correct; my magic ski mask always seems to make money appear whenever I go into Starbucks. (As always, all of your horrorscopic insights were brilliance)

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