Find out what your luck has in store for you this week.
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Capricorn
December 22 – January 19
You are as cranky as a kangaroo with a porcupine in its pouch.
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Aquarius
January 20 – February 18
Never trust a man to hold your sandwich whose deodorant is a clump of dirt.
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Pisces
February 19 – March 20
Super glue is a woman’s best friend when it comes to summertime humidity hair frizz and morning breath.
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Aries
March 21 – April 19
Taking a ruler to bed is one way of measuring the length of time you sleep.
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Taurus
April 20 – May 20
Warm and fuzzy would describe your characteristics perfectly if you were sewn together and stuffed with feathers.
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Gemini
May 21 – June 20
Squeaky wheels aren’t squeaky if the wheels are square.
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Cancer
June 21 – July 22
Your best ideas come from a condemned consignment store in Utah.
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Leo
July 23 – August 22
A magic ski mask will grant you a knack for making money.
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Virgo
August 23 – September 22
You are always hungry and good at puzzles, which will not mean a damn thing at your next job interview.
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Libra
September 23 – October 22
M&M spelled backwards is M&M.
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Scorpio
October 23 – November 21
You are an unscrupulous pit sniffer who will sell your relatives’ limbs just to buy a cell phone.
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Sagittarius
November 22 – December 21
Your grandmother’s quilt has more personality than you.
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Quote of the week: “Gossip is the art of saying nothing in a way that leaves practically nothing unsaid.”
Home of Ask Hottywood 
As a Leo, I can profess that you are absolutely correct; my magic ski mask always seems to make money appear whenever I go into Starbucks. (As always, all of your horrorscopic insights were brilliance)
That sounds like the beginning of a joke; “A masked man walks into a Starbucks…”
Is that the one where he bets the barista he can pee into a Venti cup from behind the pastry display without getting any on the syrup rack?
No. It’s the other one where he dances naked on the counter top with his clothes on backwards while humming the tune of “The Facts of Life” in Swahili.
I totally forgot that one until now! Wasn’t the punchline: “No, but Chris-Cross’s agent was just in here and said there’s an opening in the comeback tour!”
That’s the one! By George, I think he’s got it. …who is George and why are we telling him that you have it?
I think it started with Boy George, who had it then got rid of it…?
He gave it to George Michael.
What George Michael did with it is anyone’s guess.
LOL… you two should totally take this on the road… you guys are hilarious!