What Constitutes a Bad Day…?

Over the last few days I’ve heard a few people complain about the bad days they’ve been having, myself included.

For example, I had a hankering for fried chicken for a full run of an eight out work day, an hour and a half of commute time, and the sixty minutes it takes for me to settle down and unwind after a long day of solving everyone else’s problems. Just as soon as the smoke settled from the soles of my feet from running around the office all day, it was finally time to fry up some delicious deep fried wings, when to my surprise I realized I had no cooking oil. The first word that came to my mind began with the letter “F” and ended with a “K.” Anyone that knows me knows that a disruption in my plan to devour some golden fried chicken wings is equivalent to the world coming to an end.

In the long run, though having a day incomplete with chicken wings is, can, or should be considered a natural disaster, it doesn’t constitute a bad day (unless of course you’re me. Shit ain’t right without my wings).

However for the record, as long as you’ve:

not lost all of your rent receipts and are now facing a $558 charge from your leasing office for non-receipt of funds on something you know you’ve paid; or

not received a phone call from a detective threatening to bring you up on charges of fraud for a payday loan you failed to remit in the amount of  [either] an $800 settlement fee or $4000 and some change, to include legal fees, late fees, miscellaneous penalty fees and kick your ass fees; or

not been told by your weed man that his car has been broken in to and his stash stolen on the day that your significant other broke up with you, auctioned off all of your personal belongings to their secret bed buddies, and your deodorant failed while riding the bus with a bunch of rude and brutally honest high school teenagers; or

not thrown up uncontrollably as a result of drinking too many vodka shots at the very moment of oral sex or penetration; or

not experienced a taste bud deficiency – specifically when all of your potato chips taste like canned spinach; or

not noticed that every pair of trousers you own has a hole in the crotch; or

not been demoted from a volunteer trash man to volunteer human pooper scooper in an urban city dog park, AKA the hood; and finally

not run out of cooking oil when you so desperately wanted to fry some damn chicken wings;

Then you have no reason to complain about anything. You’ve had a good day!

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Quote of the Week:  “I think we consider too much the good luck of the early and not enough the bad luck of the worm.”

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Hottywood’s HORRORscopes: Week of July 21-27, 2013

Broken Crystal Ball

Find out what your luck has in store for you this week.

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Capricorn

December 22 – January 19

Your life will change after you get the last whole punched on you Quizno’s card.

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Aquarius

January 20 – February 18

In a couple of years you are going to have to stand on your head in order for your boobs to sit up like a 24 year old.

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Pisces

February 19 – March 20

The silent treatment will only make someone forget you faster.

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Aries

March 21 – April 19

Counting to 10 is 1 of the 2 things you do well. The 2nd of the 2 is breathing.

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Taurus

April 20 – May 20

A “get rich quick scheme” isn’t quick if you work on it for at least an hour.

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Gemini

May 21 – June 20

Be careful. You may lose your pride in the first place you forgot to look last.

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Cancer

June 21 – July 22

Want to stick it to an unlikable supervisor? Give them a high-five. After they touch the palm of your hand, sue them for sexual harassment.

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Leo

July 23 – August 22

Soup will give you the same comfort as rebound sex.

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Virgo

August 23 – September 22

A crack head always has an excuse.

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Libra

September 23 – October 22

You and your ex can still have sex.  Just not with each other.

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Scorpio

October 23 – November 21

Never trust anyone whose perfume/cologne is strong enough to burn your nose hairs. Something smells fishy about what they are hiding.

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Sagittarius

November 22 – December 21

You only have one chance to make it over a barbed wire fence without ripping your crotch. Make it count.

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Quote of the week:    “What you know is dangerous to your enemy. What you think you know is dangerous to you.”

This Week on, “Ask Hottywood!”

Dear Hottywood, 

My husband is an addict. He isn’t addicted to drugs or alcohol. His case is much worse. He’s addicted to donuts. Glazed; chocolate glazed; powdered; jelly-filled; cream-filled. If it’s soft baked with a hole in the middle or something juicy enough to ooze out onto his lips, he can’t resist it. 

I’m worried the sugary deliciousness will eventually destroy his waistline. Is there anything I can do to calm his desire to consume the bready goodness? 

Sincerely, 

The Wife of a Skinny Fat Man 

Dear Wife of a Skinny Fat Man,

Hooked on DonutsI’m going to speak on your husband’s behalf and tell you to back off a little bit. In today’s society, men have enough “stuff” to deal with (like making sure the wife is always happy even at his own expense, for instance). I know you may be worried about his eating habits, but unless your husband is at risk of falling into a diabetic coma, a few million donuts won’t hurt anything except your bed springs, which I’m sure are already getting a workout when he hits your skins.

Telling him what he can/can’t/should/shouldn’t eat will eventually translate to nagging and that always puts a damper on communication and the relationship as a whole – slowly but surely. Once he feels you are nagging him, if he doesn’t eventually tell you to shut up and go away he’s going to ignore you all together. Trust me; that will be more of a strain on your relationship than his donut consumption.

Does he tell you when you can/can’t buy shoes? Does he tell you that you shouldn’t have a headache when he wants to have sex with you? Does he tell you that you can’t have chocolate when you’re PMSing? If he did tell you these things, 9 times out of 10 your response would be, “Chile, please!”

Flip the script and put yourself in his shoes and not in his pants (let him wear the pants in the family). Think about how it makes him feel when you tell him what he can and can’t do. Ask yourself, “Would you rather him to be addicted to donuts or drugs and alcohol or sex with other women?” The more you tell him not to eat donuts, the more he’s going to eat out of spite – and soon your name will be THE WIFE OF A FAT FAT MAN.

Hottywood

 

Hottywood’s HORRORscopes: Week of July 7-13, 2013

Talk About Luck

Find out what your luck has in store for you this week.

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Capricorn

December 22 – January 19

How do you get an attractive man/woman to go out on a date with you? Go to the beach. Find a magic lamp. Rub it and hope a genie comes out.

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Aquarius

January 20 – February 18

You will never forget your first bounced check.

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Pisces

February 19 – March 20

Humiliating yourself is so much more interesting when you do it in front of Chinese people.

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Aries

March 21 – April 19

If you think you can’t be replaced, phuck up at work.

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Taurus

April 20 – May 20

Do you know what’s on a raw food diet? Cookie dough!

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Gemini

May 21 – June 20

Never trust anyone that dries their dishes with the same towel they dry their body with after getting out of the shower.

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Cancer

June 21 – July 22

When you least expect it, eating wrinkly raisins will make you feel like you’re eating little bitty old people.

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Leo

July 23 – August 22

Your face could be pink and you can shave off both your eyebrows and still no one will notice anything different about you.

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Virgo

August 23 – September 22

Beware of anybody that tells you how they keep it. – “I keep it one hunned”; “I keep it five thousand.” Aw, shut up!

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Libra

September 23 – October 22

Stop sticking your nose where it doesn’t belong. You’re like a delicious fortune cookie without the delicious cookie part.

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Scorpio

October 23 – November 21

A one-winged chicken with a unibrow will make for an unlikely savior…or an even more unlikely meal.

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Sagittarius

November 22 – December 21

There is no quieter way to get a silent fart out.

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Quote of the week:    “Hot grits are really hot, especially when dropped in your crotch.”

This Week on, “Ask Hottywood!”

Dear Hottywood, 

I’ve unknowingly been having relations with someone who failed to mention to me he’s in a relationship. I found out on Facebook. Should I be in my feelings? 

Vanessa Del Rio

Dear Vanessa,

Other WomanIf I were you I’d feel some kind of way, too. Morally speaking, it shouldn’t feel great to phuck another woman’s man. That would make you look like a bit of a whore bag and would be a justifiable reason (in the other woman’s eyes) to get your ass whooped [by his girlfriend] when she finds out (keyword: WHEN). If homeboy has been digging into you and his girlfriend, that would imply that he has no respect for either one of you, and leaves you to wonder how many other chicks he’s banging. You should be mad about that. You should also be a little scared and quick to get yourself checked out. Dial 1-800-CLEANMEUPQUICK.

I’m not trying to make you feel bad, but the next time you screw someone who has a Facebook page, do a little research. It’s not stalking if you’re going to drop your panties for him anyway. Most people post their whole lives on Facebook, so in his eyes he probably didn’t think he was keeping any secrets from you. Like a lot of men do, he just didn’t tell you his full story. Surprisingly you didn’t check. But I bet you learned a lesson, didn’t you?

Cut your sexual ties with this dude, at least until he gets dumped by his girlfriend, or to put it nicely – unhitched. He’s either going to get dumped or he’s going to get tired of pretending to be faithful while he boinks you and whomever else he’s openly phucking in secret. If he’s a great lay you don’t want to lose his contact for good. If he’s a lousy lay, you have nothing to lose but your pride.

If it’ll make you feel better, do it to him one last time. I mean do it so good that you put his ass in a coma. Then when you hear him snoring for at least 20 minutes uninterrupted, put hot wax on his eyebrows or instant hair removal and let ‘er rip! He might attack you afterwards but mentally and/or emotionally you’ll feel better. Physically you’ll be in a lot of pain if he catches you, but you can’t blame that on me. I can only solve one problem at a time.

Good luck!

Hottywood

Hottywood’s HORRORscopes: Week of June 30-July 6, 2013

Could Be Worse

Find out what your luck has in store for you this week.

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Capricorn

December 22 – January 19

Your arrogance is very visible today. You couldn’t hide it if you tried. Tell your best ideas and count the number of people that roll their eyes at you. Plan to eat lunch alone.

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Aquarius

January 20 – February 18

This is not a good day to squirm your way out of any dumb situation that you possibly created for yourself. No one will believe your BS. Keep your mouth shut and avoid questions, free fast food and fermented beverages.

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Pisces

February 19 – March 20

The calls are coming from inside the house.

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Aries

March 21 – April 19

You can’t lie through your teeth if you don’t have any, which is exactly what will happen if you are caught lying.

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Taurus

April 20 – May 20

The $20 bill you found randomly on the street is counterfeit. You’ll find out when you [attempt to] make a purchase at CVS.

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Gemini

May 21 – June 20

The truth to your destiny rests in the knowledge that narrow streets and cheap cement is the reason why it’s so easy to get pregnant in Sicily just by crossing the street.

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Cancer

June 21 – July 22

Nothing can be achieved without hope, confidence, and a good ol’ threat of an ass kicking.

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Leo

July 23 – August 22

Your job is to push everyone over the edge today – and you never seem to get sick of it, so it’s only fitting that everyone else’s job is to push you into oncoming traffic. #AnEyeForAnEyeAToothForATooth

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Virgo

August 23 – September 22

For the rest of the week, you will have a recurring dream of being sexually assaulted by a 400lb bearded woman dressed in nothing but black see-through leggings and kool-aid stained gym socks.

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Libra

September 23 – October 22

After anyone has bombarded you with any more questions over your pre-approved three question quota, you have a right to karate-chop them in the esophagus. There will be no need to run afterwards because they will be in too much shock and pain to chase you. Also, they will ask no further questions (except maybe, “Can you call an ambulance?”).

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Scorpio

October 23 – November 21

Someone is going to irritate you at the exact moment you have to go #2 the most/worst.

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Sagittarius

November 22 – December 21

Never walk into an invisible spider web with your mouth open on Sundays.

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Quote of the week:    “The secret of enjoying good wine: (1) Open the bottle and let it breathe. If it does not look like it’s breathing, (2) give it mouth to mouth.”