Find out what your luck has in store for you this week.

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Capricorn

December 22 – January 19

Your arrogance is very visible today. You couldn’t hide it if you tried. Tell your best ideas and count the number of people that roll their eyes at you. Plan to eat lunch alone.

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Aquarius

January 20 – February 18

This is not a good day to squirm your way out of any dumb situation that you possibly created for yourself. No one will believe your BS. Keep your mouth shut and avoid questions, free fast food and fermented beverages.

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Pisces

February 19 – March 20

The calls are coming from inside the house.

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Aries

March 21 – April 19

You can’t lie through your teeth if you don’t have any, which is exactly what will happen if you are caught lying.

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Taurus

April 20 – May 20

The $20 bill you found randomly on the street is counterfeit. You’ll find out when you [attempt to] make a purchase at CVS.

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Gemini

May 21 – June 20

The truth to your destiny rests in the knowledge that narrow streets and cheap cement is the reason why it’s so easy to get pregnant in Sicily just by crossing the street.

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Cancer

June 21 – July 22

Nothing can be achieved without hope, confidence, and a good ol’ threat of an ass kicking.

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Leo

July 23 – August 22

Your job is to push everyone over the edge today – and you never seem to get sick of it, so it’s only fitting that everyone else’s job is to push you into oncoming traffic. #AnEyeForAnEyeAToothForATooth

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Virgo

August 23 – September 22

For the rest of the week, you will have a recurring dream of being sexually assaulted by a 400lb bearded woman dressed in nothing but black see-through leggings and kool-aid stained gym socks.

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Libra

September 23 – October 22

After anyone has bombarded you with any more questions over your pre-approved three question quota, you have a right to karate-chop them in the esophagus. There will be no need to run afterwards because they will be in too much shock and pain to chase you. Also, they will ask no further questions (except maybe, “Can you call an ambulance?”).

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Scorpio

October 23 – November 21

Someone is going to irritate you at the exact moment you have to go #2 the most/worst.

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Sagittarius

November 22 – December 21

Never walk into an invisible spider web with your mouth open on Sundays.

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Quote of the week:    “The secret of enjoying good wine: (1) Open the bottle and let it breathe. If it does not look like it’s breathing, (2) give it mouth to mouth.”