Find out what your luck has in store for you this week.

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Capricorn

December 22 – January 19

How do you get an attractive man/woman to go out on a date with you? Go to the beach. Find a magic lamp. Rub it and hope a genie comes out.

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Aquarius

January 20 – February 18

You will never forget your first bounced check.

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Pisces

February 19 – March 20

Humiliating yourself is so much more interesting when you do it in front of Chinese people.

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Aries

March 21 – April 19

If you think you can’t be replaced, phuck up at work.

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Taurus

April 20 – May 20

Do you know what’s on a raw food diet? Cookie dough!

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Gemini

May 21 – June 20

Never trust anyone that dries their dishes with the same towel they dry their body with after getting out of the shower.

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Cancer

June 21 – July 22

When you least expect it, eating wrinkly raisins will make you feel like you’re eating little bitty old people.

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Leo

July 23 – August 22

Your face could be pink and you can shave off both your eyebrows and still no one will notice anything different about you.

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Virgo

August 23 – September 22

Beware of anybody that tells you how they keep it. – “I keep it one hunned”; “I keep it five thousand.” Aw, shut up!

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Libra

September 23 – October 22

Stop sticking your nose where it doesn’t belong. You’re like a delicious fortune cookie without the delicious cookie part.

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Scorpio

October 23 – November 21

A one-winged chicken with a unibrow will make for an unlikely savior…or an even more unlikely meal.

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Sagittarius

November 22 – December 21

There is no quieter way to get a silent fart out.

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Quote of the week:    “Hot grits are really hot, especially when dropped in your crotch.”