Find out what your luck has in store for you this week.
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Capricorn
December 22 – January 19
How do you get an attractive man/woman to go out on a date with you? Go to the beach. Find a magic lamp. Rub it and hope a genie comes out.
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Aquarius
January 20 – February 18
You will never forget your first bounced check.
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Pisces
February 19 – March 20
Humiliating yourself is so much more interesting when you do it in front of Chinese people.
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Aries
March 21 – April 19
If you think you can’t be replaced, phuck up at work.
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Taurus
April 20 – May 20
Do you know what’s on a raw food diet? Cookie dough!
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Gemini
May 21 – June 20
Never trust anyone that dries their dishes with the same towel they dry their body with after getting out of the shower.
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Cancer
June 21 – July 22
When you least expect it, eating wrinkly raisins will make you feel like you’re eating little bitty old people.
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Leo
July 23 – August 22
Your face could be pink and you can shave off both your eyebrows and still no one will notice anything different about you.
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Virgo
August 23 – September 22
Beware of anybody that tells you how they keep it. – “I keep it one hunned”; “I keep it five thousand.” Aw, shut up!
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Libra
September 23 – October 22
Stop sticking your nose where it doesn’t belong. You’re like a delicious fortune cookie without the delicious cookie part.
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Scorpio
October 23 – November 21
A one-winged chicken with a unibrow will make for an unlikely savior…or an even more unlikely meal.
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Sagittarius
November 22 – December 21
There is no quieter way to get a silent fart out.
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Quote of the week: “Hot grits are really hot, especially when dropped in your crotch.”
