Hottywood’s HORRORscopes: Week of July 21-27, 2013

Broken Crystal Ball

Find out what your luck has in store for you this week.

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Capricorn

December 22 – January 19

Your life will change after you get the last whole punched on you Quizno’s card.

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Aquarius

January 20 – February 18

In a couple of years you are going to have to stand on your head in order for your boobs to sit up like a 24 year old.

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Pisces

February 19 – March 20

The silent treatment will only make someone forget you faster.

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Aries

March 21 – April 19

Counting to 10 is 1 of the 2 things you do well. The 2nd of the 2 is breathing.

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Taurus

April 20 – May 20

A “get rich quick scheme” isn’t quick if you work on it for at least an hour.

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Gemini

May 21 – June 20

Be careful. You may lose your pride in the first place you forgot to look last.

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Cancer

June 21 – July 22

Want to stick it to an unlikable supervisor? Give them a high-five. After they touch the palm of your hand, sue them for sexual harassment.

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Leo

July 23 – August 22

Soup will give you the same comfort as rebound sex.

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Virgo

August 23 – September 22

A crack head always has an excuse.

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Libra

September 23 – October 22

You and your ex can still have sex.  Just not with each other.

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Scorpio

October 23 – November 21

Never trust anyone whose perfume/cologne is strong enough to burn your nose hairs. Something smells fishy about what they are hiding.

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Sagittarius

November 22 – December 21

You only have one chance to make it over a barbed wire fence without ripping your crotch. Make it count.

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Quote of the week:    “What you know is dangerous to your enemy. What you think you know is dangerous to you.”

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