Find out what your luck has in store for you this week.
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Capricorn
December 22 – January 19
Your life will change after you get the last whole punched on you Quizno’s card.
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Aquarius
January 20 – February 18
In a couple of years you are going to have to stand on your head in order for your boobs to sit up like a 24 year old.
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Pisces
February 19 – March 20
The silent treatment will only make someone forget you faster.
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Aries
March 21 – April 19
Counting to 10 is 1 of the 2 things you do well. The 2nd of the 2 is breathing.
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Taurus
April 20 – May 20
A “get rich quick scheme” isn’t quick if you work on it for at least an hour.
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Gemini
May 21 – June 20
Be careful. You may lose your pride in the first place you forgot to look last.
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Cancer
June 21 – July 22
Want to stick it to an unlikable supervisor? Give them a high-five. After they touch the palm of your hand, sue them for sexual harassment.
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Leo
July 23 – August 22
Soup will give you the same comfort as rebound sex.
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Virgo
August 23 – September 22
A crack head always has an excuse.
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Libra
September 23 – October 22
You and your ex can still have sex. Just not with each other.
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Scorpio
October 23 – November 21
Never trust anyone whose perfume/cologne is strong enough to burn your nose hairs. Something smells fishy about what they are hiding.
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Sagittarius
November 22 – December 21
You only have one chance to make it over a barbed wire fence without ripping your crotch. Make it count.
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Quote of the week: “What you know is dangerous to your enemy. What you think you know is dangerous to you.”
