This Week on, “Ask Hottywood!”

Dear Hottywood,

I’ve been in a dating slump lately. With that said, my ex (we broke up eight months ago) whom I thought I loved, has “seemingly” come back into the picture – not surprisingly with one thing in mind. When he returned to my life, the first thing he wanted to discuss was sex but knowing I’m not that type of girl he chose to talk about our failed relationship instead/first. We had an extensive text conversation followed by a face-to-face conversation which resulted in him blaming me for the demise of our relationship (for lack of better word, because it sure as hell wasn’t a relationship). When I saw that things were going nowhere, I decided to give in and just have sex with him, not for his sake but for the sake of my own needs. I’m not shocked that I haven’t heard from him since, but I’m kind of in my feelings and don’t know why. Can you shed some light on why I can’t let go of what was never there?

Sexually Satisfied but Not Emotionally

Dear Sexually Satisfied but Not Emotionally,

It’s evident that you still harbor feelings for this fool and yet you are letting him make a fool out of you. Let me start off by saying that if your ex (or anyone for that matter) insists on holding on to his pride, ego or excuses instead of holding on to you, it’s time to let go.

You didn’t indicate exactly why your relationship failed but rather he blamed you for the demise, yet he returned for some ass (???). Can we say RED FLAG? I would have suggested you not give in to him, but I totally understand having needs. Everyone has needs and need to get laid from time to time.

Here is your reality check, though:  If you saw no successful result at the end of the texted or face-to-face conversation about your past relationship, then you wasted your fingertip strength, your breath and your time; if you gave up the booty and he hasn’t responded to you afterwards in any way, shape or form, and you still can’t see where he’s coming from, then you need a piano to fall on your head. Trust me. You don’t want that. It hurts; if you slept with him simply to satisfy your needs then maybe you ought to be satisfied with that. Stop putting your eggs in his basket. He doesn’t want your eggs. He wants your basket.

You’re probably holding on to something that isn’t or never was there simply because you want it but don’t have it [right now] or [think you] can’t get it. But the truth is you can have everything you want if you don’t act pressed, foolish or blind – especially not for him. You can probably do better. You probably should hold out for better. You should probably tell yourself that you deserve better. You’ll probably get something or someone better once you believe and accept there’s something better out there for you. Once you accept that then his BS will be just as much of a joke as you are to him. In the meantime if you want to phuck him to satisfy your sexual desires then may I suggest you learn how to separate your emotional feelings from your physical?

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Hottywood’s HORRORscopes: Week of August 18-24, 2013

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Find out what your luck has in store for you this week.

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Capricorn

December 22 – January 19

You’ve never been afraid of hard work – clowns; escalators; and chalk, maybe. But not hard work.

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Aquarius

January 20 – February 18

You have an uncanny ability to walk into a bar and pick out every single person that won’t sleep with you.

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Pisces

February 19 – March 20

Sometimes you should consider what you should say before you end up saying what you damn well know you shouldn’t have said.

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Aries

March 21 – April 19

It’s all about personality today, which could mean bad news if you don’t have any.

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Taurus

April 20 – May 20

The bad news is mime class will be canceled this week. The good news is mime class will be canceled this week.

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Gemini

May 21 – June 20

Hugs are free before 11pm.

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Cancer

June 21 – July 22

Your next overwhelming cravings will be mohawks and French toast.

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Leo

July 23 – August 22

Someone is anxious to talk to you after they get more drunk.

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Virgo

August 23 – September 22

If a potential significant other invites you on a lunch date, don’t weigh too much on the possible relationship. Remember, lunch is a cheap imitation of dinner. That’s why it has its own menu.

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Libra

September 23 – October 22

Every Tom, Dick and Harry’s name is John.

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Scorpio

October 23 – November 21

On a particular day you will remember the first time someone told you your pretty was unraveling.

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Sagittarius

November 22 – December 21

No one goes to jail for free coveralls and male bonding.

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Quote of the week:    “Take your time but hurry the hell up.”

Hottywood’s HORRORscopes: Week of August 4-10, 2013

Dog Knowledge

Find out what your luck has in store for you this week.

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Capricorn

December 22 – January 19

Your butt looks like you’ve been smuggling two bald guys across the border.

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Aquarius

January 20 – February 18

Good news: Everything about your outfit stretches so you can keep on eating even after you’re full.

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Pisces

February 19 – March 20

Not only are you a schizophrenic with a personality disorder (oxymoron much?), but your socks don’t match. Well, at least one is always dirtier than the other.

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Aries

March 21 – April 19

A bandana-wearing street thug and his cocker spaniel will jack you for your frisbee at a local dog park.

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Taurus

April 20 – May 20

The only thing that can help you out of your bad situation is a trinket from the bag of The Wizard of Oz.

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Gemini

May 21 – June 20

Anybody that smells like tater tots can’t be all bad.

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Cancer

June 21 – July 22

If you can successfully execute the joke, “Three baboons walk into a bar…,” you have already set the standard for the rest of your day.

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Leo

July 23 – August 22

A person with ram-like eyebrows and no eyelashes is going to get your attention without even trying. Go figure.

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Virgo

August 23 – September 22

Believing nothing and knowing everything is a math equation that ends in 0.

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Libra

September 23 – October 22

Imagine not having sex for 15 years and THEN tell me things could be worse.

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Scorpio

October 23 – November 21

You can’t judge trash by the bag it’s in – a message brought to you by the sanitary department.

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Sagittarius

November 22 – December 21

The best way to catch a squirrel is to climb a tree and act like a nut. That’s also the best way to get on the VIP list to the loony bin.

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Quote of the week:    “Handle every situation like a dog. If you can’t eat it or screw it, piss on it and walk away.”