Find out what your luck has in store for you this week.

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Capricorn

December 22 – January 19

Your butt looks like you’ve been smuggling two bald guys across the border.

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Aquarius

January 20 – February 18

Good news: Everything about your outfit stretches so you can keep on eating even after you’re full.

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Pisces

February 19 – March 20

Not only are you a schizophrenic with a personality disorder (oxymoron much?), but your socks don’t match. Well, at least one is always dirtier than the other.

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Aries

March 21 – April 19

A bandana-wearing street thug and his cocker spaniel will jack you for your frisbee at a local dog park.

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Taurus

April 20 – May 20

The only thing that can help you out of your bad situation is a trinket from the bag of The Wizard of Oz.

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Gemini

May 21 – June 20

Anybody that smells like tater tots can’t be all bad.

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Cancer

June 21 – July 22

If you can successfully execute the joke, “Three baboons walk into a bar…,” you have already set the standard for the rest of your day.

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Leo

July 23 – August 22

A person with ram-like eyebrows and no eyelashes is going to get your attention without even trying. Go figure.

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Virgo

August 23 – September 22

Believing nothing and knowing everything is a math equation that ends in 0.

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Libra

September 23 – October 22

Imagine not having sex for 15 years and THEN tell me things could be worse.

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Scorpio

October 23 – November 21

You can’t judge trash by the bag it’s in – a message brought to you by the sanitary department.

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Sagittarius

November 22 – December 21

The best way to catch a squirrel is to climb a tree and act like a nut. That’s also the best way to get on the VIP list to the loony bin.

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Quote of the week:    “Handle every situation like a dog. If you can’t eat it or screw it, piss on it and walk away.”