Find out what your luck has in store for you this week.
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Capricorn
December 22 – January 19
Your butt looks like you’ve been smuggling two bald guys across the border.
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Aquarius
January 20 – February 18
Good news: Everything about your outfit stretches so you can keep on eating even after you’re full.
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Pisces
February 19 – March 20
Not only are you a schizophrenic with a personality disorder (oxymoron much?), but your socks don’t match. Well, at least one is always dirtier than the other.
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Aries
March 21 – April 19
A bandana-wearing street thug and his cocker spaniel will jack you for your frisbee at a local dog park.
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Taurus
April 20 – May 20
The only thing that can help you out of your bad situation is a trinket from the bag of The Wizard of Oz.
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Gemini
May 21 – June 20
Anybody that smells like tater tots can’t be all bad.
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Cancer
June 21 – July 22
If you can successfully execute the joke, “Three baboons walk into a bar…,” you have already set the standard for the rest of your day.
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Leo
July 23 – August 22
A person with ram-like eyebrows and no eyelashes is going to get your attention without even trying. Go figure.
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Virgo
August 23 – September 22
Believing nothing and knowing everything is a math equation that ends in 0.
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Libra
September 23 – October 22
Imagine not having sex for 15 years and THEN tell me things could be worse.
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Scorpio
October 23 – November 21
You can’t judge trash by the bag it’s in – a message brought to you by the sanitary department.
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Sagittarius
November 22 – December 21
The best way to catch a squirrel is to climb a tree and act like a nut. That’s also the best way to get on the VIP list to the loony bin.
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Quote of the week: “Handle every situation like a dog. If you can’t eat it or screw it, piss on it and walk away.”
