Find out what your luck has in store for you this week.

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Capricorn

December 22 – January 19

You’ve never been afraid of hard work – clowns; escalators; and chalk, maybe. But not hard work.

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Aquarius

January 20 – February 18

You have an uncanny ability to walk into a bar and pick out every single person that won’t sleep with you.

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Pisces

February 19 – March 20

Sometimes you should consider what you should say before you end up saying what you damn well know you shouldn’t have said.

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Aries

March 21 – April 19

It’s all about personality today, which could mean bad news if you don’t have any.

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Taurus

April 20 – May 20

The bad news is mime class will be canceled this week. The good news is mime class will be canceled this week.

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Gemini

May 21 – June 20

Hugs are free before 11pm.

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Cancer

June 21 – July 22

Your next overwhelming cravings will be mohawks and French toast.

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Leo

July 23 – August 22

Someone is anxious to talk to you after they get more drunk.

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Virgo

August 23 – September 22

If a potential significant other invites you on a lunch date, don’t weigh too much on the possible relationship. Remember, lunch is a cheap imitation of dinner. That’s why it has its own menu.

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Libra

September 23 – October 22

Every Tom, Dick and Harry’s name is John.

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Scorpio

October 23 – November 21

On a particular day you will remember the first time someone told you your pretty was unraveling.

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Sagittarius

November 22 – December 21

No one goes to jail for free coveralls and male bonding.

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Quote of the week:    “Take your time but hurry the hell up.”