Find out what your luck has in store for you this week.
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Capricorn
December 22 – January 19
You’ve never been afraid of hard work – clowns; escalators; and chalk, maybe. But not hard work.
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Aquarius
January 20 – February 18
You have an uncanny ability to walk into a bar and pick out every single person that won’t sleep with you.
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Pisces
February 19 – March 20
Sometimes you should consider what you should say before you end up saying what you damn well know you shouldn’t have said.
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Aries
March 21 – April 19
It’s all about personality today, which could mean bad news if you don’t have any.
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Taurus
April 20 – May 20
The bad news is mime class will be canceled this week. The good news is mime class will be canceled this week.
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Gemini
May 21 – June 20
Hugs are free before 11pm.
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Cancer
June 21 – July 22
Your next overwhelming cravings will be mohawks and French toast.
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Leo
July 23 – August 22
Someone is anxious to talk to you after they get more drunk.
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Virgo
August 23 – September 22
If a potential significant other invites you on a lunch date, don’t weigh too much on the possible relationship. Remember, lunch is a cheap imitation of dinner. That’s why it has its own menu.
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Libra
September 23 – October 22
Every Tom, Dick and Harry’s name is John.
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Scorpio
October 23 – November 21
On a particular day you will remember the first time someone told you your pretty was unraveling.
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Sagittarius
November 22 – December 21
No one goes to jail for free coveralls and male bonding.
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Quote of the week: “Take your time but hurry the hell up.”
