Hottywood’s HORRORscopes: Week of September 29-October 5, 2013

Find out what your luck has in store for you this week.

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Capricorn

December 22 – January 19

Repeat after me: “My greatness is slightly overshadowed by my modesty.”

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Aquarius

January 20 – February 18

Having two faces makes it difficult for a person to decide which one to slap first.

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Pisces

February 19 – March 20

Don’t spend too much time thinking about what needs to be done. You’re not going to do shit anyway.

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Aries

March 21 – April 19

Never drink out of a public toilet on ‘spicy coupon’ night.

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Taurus

April 20 – May 20

You have only one habit everyone finds annoying – breathing.

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Gemini

May 21 – June 20

Beware of a chicken-hearted jive turkied taradactle.

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Cancer

June 21 – July 22

You may feel an urge to learn something new today. Ignore that feeling. It’s just the cosmos’ way of telling you your skin is unusually dry. You’ll be moist again in no time.

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Leo

July 23 – August 22

Iron scorches are in this season.

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Virgo

August 23 – September 22

You must dedicate your life to not caring about whether or not your socks match your underwear.

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Libra

September 23 – October 22

Everyone loves dancing sheep.

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Scorpio

October 23 – November 21

A plastic slip cover is a couch’s preservation for the afterlife.

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Sagittarius

November 22 – December 21

Your list of things to clean at home is probably longer than it should be, which says a lot about your lazy and trifling ass. Get up and do some work or never expect dinner guests again.

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Quote of the week:    “It’s not the load that weighs you down. It’s the way you carry it.”

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Hottywood’s HORRORscopes: Week of September 8-14, 2013

No Paper

Find out what your luck has in store for you this week.

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Capricorn

December 22 – January 19

You are not one to be messed with, especially after having eaten a bowl of baked beans and a side of marshmallows.

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Aquarius

January 20 – February 18

This week family is almost as important to you as your neighbor’s goldfish.

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Pisces

February 19 – March 20

Someone will find you almost unrecognizable with your legs so close together.

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Aries

March 21 – April 19

No one will be able to outdo you in the wrinkled pants department today!

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Taurus

April 20 – May 20

There’s one place where you won’t have the last word – your funeral.

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Gemini

May 21 – June 20

You are one of the rare people on the planet that acts more like an ass when you’re sober rather than when you’re drunk.

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Cancer

June 21 – July 22

You may get into a sausage fight with a giant gnome.

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Leo

July 23 – August 22

Do not chew up watermelons and spit the seeds at ducks. This will lower your vitamin levels.

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Virgo

August 23 – September 22

You will exceed everyone’s expectations because no one expects anything of you.

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Libra

September 23 – October 22

Give everyone you meet a pickle today and say, “Let’s be friends.”

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Scorpio

October 23 – November 21

The Friday after your next pay day you will have to decide if you are your job’s bitch or the homeless man that tries to rob you at your local 7-11.

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Sagittarius

November 22 – December 21

The last person who drew giraffes on your stomach mysteriously melted into a puddle of goo. This is a great day to be you as luck is on your side.

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Quote of the week:    “The person with the foot closest to the grave is not always the first one in.”

The Logic in Stupidity

Sometimes it’s kind of nice to watch people make fools of themselves. Their idiocy reminds you that you’re not the only dummy strolling the streets of Earth. How does one make a fool of him/herself? The possibilities are endless. But I’ll name a few ways just to satisfy you. If anything listed below summarizes you in any way, then rest assured that someone is relishing in your jackassdom.

Ugly people that think more attractive people want them for their sex appeal. USUALLY THE ATTRACTIVE PERSON WANTS SOMETHING TANGIBLE FROM THE UGLY PERSON; CHASE DREAMS. NOT PEOPLE.

Unintelligent people that purchase personality glasses in an array of colors, and always seem to use a word in the wrong context. DUMMY.

People that eat peanut butter sandwiches without having a beverage to wash it down with. GENIUS.

Miley Cyrus. NUFF SAID.

Coworkers, colleagues, and/or supervisors that don’t know they are the butt of all office jokes. IF THEY TALKED ABOUT JESUS, THEY’RE SURE AS HELL GONNA TALK ABOUT YOU.

Anyone that hides their dirty little secrets inside their medicine cabinet. 40% OF ALL HOUSE GUESTS SNOOP THROUGH YOUR MEDICINE CABINET. LET’S SEE IF THAT HELPS YOU SLEEP AT NIGHT.

Anyone that doesn’t know a McDonald’s menu by heart.   THE MENU HASN’T CHANGED IN FOREVER YEARS, MORON. “SECURITY!”

All those persons that have no idea what the word “groaking” means. Clue – #NOGREEDIES!

Delusional folks that think they know you based on a relationship you’ve established on a social network. GET A LIFE, LOOSER. ON PAPER I LOOK LIKE I STEPPED OUT OF A MAGAZINE. IN REAL LIFE I HAVE A UNIBROW AND MY TWO BIG TOES’ NAILS CONNECT MAGNETICALLY. BUT YOU PROBABLY ALREADY KNEW THAT.

Miley Cyrus. OH WAIT…WELL, NEVER MIND. SHE’S A REPEAT OFFENDER (WHOM I SECRETLY LOVE).

People that release silent farts and think no one smells that shit. IF IT WASN’T ME THEN OBVIOUSLY…… Granny used to always say “Better to let it out and be ashamed than to hold it back and bust a vein!”

People that think their opinions are only worth $.02. WHAT THE HELL IS $.02 GONNA BUY? YOU CAN KEEP THAT!

The best thing is that the list goes on, so when you stop to think about all the dumb stuff [other] people do, think, and say, something about their stupidity makes you feel a little bit better about yourself.  Who wouldn’t appreciate that warm fuzziness?

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Quote of the Week: “Arachibutyrophobia is the fear of peanut butter sticking to the roof of your mouth.”