Find out what your luck has in store for you this week.
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Capricorn
December 22 – January 19
Repeat after me: “My greatness is slightly overshadowed by my modesty.”
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Aquarius
January 20 – February 18
Having two faces makes it difficult for a person to decide which one to slap first.
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Pisces
February 19 – March 20
Don’t spend too much time thinking about what needs to be done. You’re not going to do shit anyway.
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Aries
March 21 – April 19
Never drink out of a public toilet on ‘spicy coupon’ night.
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Taurus
April 20 – May 20
You have only one habit everyone finds annoying – breathing.
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Gemini
May 21 – June 20
Beware of a chicken-hearted jive turkied taradactle.
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Cancer
June 21 – July 22
You may feel an urge to learn something new today. Ignore that feeling. It’s just the cosmos’ way of telling you your skin is unusually dry. You’ll be moist again in no time.
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Leo
July 23 – August 22
Iron scorches are in this season.
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Virgo
August 23 – September 22
You must dedicate your life to not caring about whether or not your socks match your underwear.
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Libra
September 23 – October 22
Everyone loves dancing sheep.
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Scorpio
October 23 – November 21
A plastic slip cover is a couch’s preservation for the afterlife.
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Sagittarius
November 22 – December 21
Your list of things to clean at home is probably longer than it should be, which says a lot about your lazy and trifling ass. Get up and do some work or never expect dinner guests again.
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Quote of the week: “It’s not the load that weighs you down. It’s the way you carry it.”