Find out what your luck has in store for you this week.
_________________________________________________________
Capricorn
December 22 – January 19
You are not one to be messed with, especially after having eaten a bowl of baked beans and a side of marshmallows.
____________________________________________________
Aquarius
January 20 – February 18
This week family is almost as important to you as your neighbor’s goldfish.
____________________________________________________
Pisces
February 19 – March 20
Someone will find you almost unrecognizable with your legs so close together.
____________________________________________________
Aries
March 21 – April 19
No one will be able to outdo you in the wrinkled pants department today!
____________________________________________________
Taurus
April 20 – May 20
There’s one place where you won’t have the last word – your funeral.
____________________________________________________
Gemini
May 21 – June 20
You are one of the rare people on the planet that acts more like an ass when you’re sober rather than when you’re drunk.
____________________________________________________
Cancer
June 21 – July 22
You may get into a sausage fight with a giant gnome.
____________________________________________________
Leo
July 23 – August 22
Do not chew up watermelons and spit the seeds at ducks. This will lower your vitamin levels.
____________________________________________________
Virgo
August 23 – September 22
You will exceed everyone’s expectations because no one expects anything of you.
____________________________________________________
Libra
September 23 – October 22
Give everyone you meet a pickle today and say, “Let’s be friends.”
____________________________________________________
Scorpio
October 23 – November 21
The Friday after your next pay day you will have to decide if you are your job’s bitch or the homeless man that tries to rob you at your local 7-11.
____________________________________________________
Sagittarius
November 22 – December 21
The last person who drew giraffes on your stomach mysteriously melted into a puddle of goo. This is a great day to be you as luck is on your side.
_________________________________________________________
Quote of the week: “The person with the foot closest to the grave is not always the first one in.”