Find out what your luck has in store for you this week.

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Capricorn

December 22 – January 19

You are not one to be messed with, especially after having eaten a bowl of baked beans and a side of marshmallows.

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Aquarius

January 20 – February 18

This week family is almost as important to you as your neighbor’s goldfish.

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Pisces

February 19 – March 20

Someone will find you almost unrecognizable with your legs so close together.

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Aries

March 21 – April 19

No one will be able to outdo you in the wrinkled pants department today!

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Taurus

April 20 – May 20

There’s one place where you won’t have the last word – your funeral.

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Gemini

May 21 – June 20

You are one of the rare people on the planet that acts more like an ass when you’re sober rather than when you’re drunk.

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Cancer

June 21 – July 22

You may get into a sausage fight with a giant gnome.

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Leo

July 23 – August 22

Do not chew up watermelons and spit the seeds at ducks. This will lower your vitamin levels.

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Virgo

August 23 – September 22

You will exceed everyone’s expectations because no one expects anything of you.

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Libra

September 23 – October 22

Give everyone you meet a pickle today and say, “Let’s be friends.”

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Scorpio

October 23 – November 21

The Friday after your next pay day you will have to decide if you are your job’s bitch or the homeless man that tries to rob you at your local 7-11.

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Sagittarius

November 22 – December 21

The last person who drew giraffes on your stomach mysteriously melted into a puddle of goo. This is a great day to be you as luck is on your side.

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Quote of the week:    “The person with the foot closest to the grave is not always the first one in.”