Hottywood’s HORRORscopes: Week of September 29-October 5, 2013

Find out what your luck has in store for you this week.

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Capricorn

December 22 – January 19

Repeat after me: “My greatness is slightly overshadowed by my modesty.”

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Aquarius

January 20 – February 18

Having two faces makes it difficult for a person to decide which one to slap first.

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Pisces

February 19 – March 20

Don’t spend too much time thinking about what needs to be done. You’re not going to do shit anyway.

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Aries

March 21 – April 19

Never drink out of a public toilet on ‘spicy coupon’ night.

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Taurus

April 20 – May 20

You have only one habit everyone finds annoying – breathing.

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Gemini

May 21 – June 20

Beware of a chicken-hearted jive turkied taradactle.

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Cancer

June 21 – July 22

You may feel an urge to learn something new today. Ignore that feeling. It’s just the cosmos’ way of telling you your skin is unusually dry. You’ll be moist again in no time.

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Leo

July 23 – August 22

Iron scorches are in this season.

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Virgo

August 23 – September 22

You must dedicate your life to not caring about whether or not your socks match your underwear.

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Libra

September 23 – October 22

Everyone loves dancing sheep.

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Scorpio

October 23 – November 21

A plastic slip cover is a couch’s preservation for the afterlife.

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Sagittarius

November 22 – December 21

Your list of things to clean at home is probably longer than it should be, which says a lot about your lazy and trifling ass. Get up and do some work or never expect dinner guests again.

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Quote of the week:    “It’s not the load that weighs you down. It’s the way you carry it.”

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