Ain’t Nobody Got Time for Dat

“Let’s see. What don’t we have time for this week?”

Water cooler talk about how boring your spouse is in bed during the Arsenio Hall Show

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Fornicating preachers that lie like hell

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Hearing any explanation [while naked and just before sex] about why one body part is larger than the other (e.g. breasts and balls)

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The relevancy of Perri “Pebbles” Reid’s former R&B music career

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Barefooted Walmart shopping extraterrestrials

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The 19 year old girl that got arrested for squirting her boyfriend with a water gun (CLICK HERE for more info)

(This happened back in September but I was somewhere sleeping under a rock then. Sorry I’m late)

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A combination value pack of hair weaves and rain and its dreadful results

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One night stands that refuse to sign a booty call agreement and have no house to go home to

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Making up excuses for not going to work instead of stating the obvious, “I just don’t phucking feel like coming in today.”

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The all-game show channel

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Any person or culture that does not believe in or support the invention of deodorant

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That last line of dust that won’t go inside the dust pan

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Itchy scrotum sacks

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Salads

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Hottywood’s HORRORscopes: Week of October 20-26, 2013

Luck Thinking

Find out what your luck has in store for you this week.

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Capricorn

December 22 – January 19

This is a fashion faux pas week for you because no matter what you put on, your arms will appear to be shorter than they actually are.

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Aquarius

January 20 – February 18

Silent farts are much worse than invisible ones.

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Pisces

February 19 – March 20

Ironically, the sheriff in Puppytown is a cat.

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Aries

March 21 – April 19

Is something keeping u down? Keep your chins up.

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Taurus

April 20 – May 20

A wise man once said without pot, there’s nothing left to make you not feel what you’re feeling.

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Gemini

May 21 – June 20

Someone would rather comb their coarse hair with the spikes of a porcupine rather than see you win a brutal game of ping-pong.

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Cancer

June 21 – July 22

Your best friend comes from a box; batteries not included.

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Leo

July 23 – August 22

“Commitment” is a three worded declaration that runs most people off before the stalking begins.

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Virgo

August 23 – September 22

You might gain spiritual retribution by feeding onions to a giraffe at midnight under a full moon in Mexico. Good luck with that one, though.

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Libra

September 23 – October 22

You may get a buffet’s worth of free samples and belly fat at any and every grocery store across the land if only you take a pair of nerd specs like Clark Kent did when he didn’t want the world to know (in all of its naivety and blindness) that he was actually Superman.

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Scorpio

October 23 – November 21

Your incessant cheerfulness and sunny disposition is the reason why you wind up going to the cafeteria alone every morning.

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Sagittarius

November 22 – December 21

Romance went out with fuzzy dice and cow print.

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Quote of the week:    “A drowning man will clutch at a straw.”

This Week on, “Ask Hottywood!”

Dear Hottywood,

I hooked up with a guy about three weeks ago; and though we haven’t bumped uglies since, he’s been back to my house almost every night since we got together. I think I like him and I don’t mean to/want to push the issue, but is there a reason why he hasn’t or doesn’t want to have relations with me [anymore]?

Just Curious,

Dear Just Curious,

Relax sweetheart. He keeps coming back so you must be doing something right. If ol’ boy hasn’t tried to smash after already hitting it and is still coming back to visit you (almost every night after three weeks nonetheless), then he’s probably digging you more than just wanting to dig in to you. It sounds like you’re on a path down Relationship Road. Trust me, if he wasn’t interested in you or is/was only interested in your Victoria’s Secrets, you’d know. Take my advice and don’t phuck things up by worrying about why you’re not getting phucked. That stress will phuck you over every time. Sit back, enjoy the ride and see where things go.

Congratulations and good luck on your new journey.

P.S., make sure you keep your refrigerator stocked with beer.

-Hottywood

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Old Love

If You Spell “We” and “Team” with an “I”, Then…

I’m sure somewhere over the years we’ve talked about self-absorbed people that only find the time to discuss their needs and wants [only]; “I need a new weave.”; “I need to get laid by the whole cheerleading team.”; “I want a donut (well who can blame them).”; “I want a nickname like Lindsay Lohan’s Firecrotch.”; “I want to never ever sing like Aaron Neville.” Cry me a river, why don’t you?

Well I’ve got one for you. Actually I have a few of them for you. “I want you to shut the hell up.” “I want you to drive off a bridge without a car.” “I want you to stick four bran muffins in your mouth at one time and forget about a beverage to wash them down with.” “I want you to forget how to speak for 8 hours and 15 minutes.” “I want you to record yourself for a full day and then tell me you don’t get on your own damn nerves.”

This post is dedicated to all those persons that failed every vocabulary quiz in grade school and still spells the words “We” and “Team” with an “I.”

This post is dedicated to all those persons that feel there is no topic more interesting than their boring asses.

This post is dedicated to all those persons that only find friendship with a couple of the voices in their head because no one else is sober enough to listen to them talk about themselves.

This post is dedicated to…well, shit. You get the point.

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Quote of the Week:  “There’s something ugly about a pretty boy who knows he’s pretty and assumes everyone else know it too.”

Hottywood’s HORRORscopes: Week of October 6-12, 2013

Find out what your luck has in store for you this week.

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Capricorn

December 22 – January 19

Sometimes you need a moment to yourself…a Maalox moment.

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Aquarius

January 20 – February 18

You should be the “you” you were before you became the “you” you are now for that someone that wants you to be who you are not.

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Pisces

February 19 – March 20

[Painful] memories help you overcome an emotional upset that involves pubic hair, a zipper and a bottle of gin.

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Aries

March 21 – April 19

You don’t have bad breath because of failure to apply toothpaste to tongue, but rather because everything that comes out of your mouth is bullshit.

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Taurus

April 20 – May 20

The older you get, the better you get…unless you’re a banana.

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Gemini

May 21 – June 20

You’re eager to begin something you can’t finish – a Little Caesar’s pizza. Who can blame you? That shit is nasty.

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Cancer

June 21 – July 22

Jello is not natural. If God wanted peaches to be suspended in mid-air he would have filled them with helium.

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Leo

July 23 – August 22

Those around you are far more interested in your affairs than you think. Keep your booty calls private, your friends close, and your enemies dangling on a weak tree branch over a steep cliff.

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Virgo

August 23 – September 22

No, you are not paranoid. There actually is a giant invisible mutant spider coming after you. But something good will come out of it provided it doesn’t swallow you whole or feed you to its babies.

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Libra

September 23 – October 22

Time may seem to be moving slowly, but that’s only because you have to pee really, really badly and there’s no bathroom in sight.

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Scorpio

October 23 – November 21

“A financial investment may yield more than expected,” is a nice way of saying knocking over a liquor store will rake in enough cash to bribe a mob of bill collectors to stop calling your house. A word of advice, though: DON’T GET CAUGHT.

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Sagittarius

November 22 – December 21

Buying tickets from a scalper is no less of a crime than eating grapes at the supermarket without paying for them.

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Quote of the week:    “You shouldn’t mind making jokes, but you should mind looking like one.”