Find out what your luck has in store for you this week.

_________________________________________________________

Capricorn

December 22 – January 19

Sometimes you need a moment to yourself…a Maalox moment.

____________________________________________________

Aquarius

January 20 – February 18

You should be the “you” you were before you became the “you” you are now for that someone that wants you to be who you are not.

____________________________________________________

Pisces

February 19 – March 20

[Painful] memories help you overcome an emotional upset that involves pubic hair, a zipper and a bottle of gin.

____________________________________________________

Aries

March 21 – April 19

You don’t have bad breath because of failure to apply toothpaste to tongue, but rather because everything that comes out of your mouth is bullshit.

____________________________________________________

Taurus

April 20 – May 20

The older you get, the better you get…unless you’re a banana.

____________________________________________________

Gemini

May 21 – June 20

You’re eager to begin something you can’t finish – a Little Caesar’s pizza. Who can blame you? That shit is nasty.

____________________________________________________

Cancer

June 21 – July 22

Jello is not natural. If God wanted peaches to be suspended in mid-air he would have filled them with helium.

____________________________________________________

Leo

July 23 – August 22

Those around you are far more interested in your affairs than you think. Keep your booty calls private, your friends close, and your enemies dangling on a weak tree branch over a steep cliff.

____________________________________________________

Virgo

August 23 – September 22

No, you are not paranoid. There actually is a giant invisible mutant spider coming after you. But something good will come out of it provided it doesn’t swallow you whole or feed you to its babies.

____________________________________________________

Libra

September 23 – October 22

Time may seem to be moving slowly, but that’s only because you have to pee really, really badly and there’s no bathroom in sight.

____________________________________________________

Scorpio

October 23 – November 21

“A financial investment may yield more than expected,” is a nice way of saying knocking over a liquor store will rake in enough cash to bribe a mob of bill collectors to stop calling your house. A word of advice, though: DON’T GET CAUGHT.

____________________________________________________

Sagittarius

November 22 – December 21

Buying tickets from a scalper is no less of a crime than eating grapes at the supermarket without paying for them.

_________________________________________________________

Quote of the week:    “You shouldn’t mind making jokes, but you should mind looking like one.”