Find out what your luck has in store for you this week.
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Capricorn
December 22 – January 19
Sometimes you need a moment to yourself…a Maalox moment.
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Aquarius
January 20 – February 18
You should be the “you” you were before you became the “you” you are now for that someone that wants you to be who you are not.
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Pisces
February 19 – March 20
[Painful] memories help you overcome an emotional upset that involves pubic hair, a zipper and a bottle of gin.
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Aries
March 21 – April 19
You don’t have bad breath because of failure to apply toothpaste to tongue, but rather because everything that comes out of your mouth is bullshit.
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Taurus
April 20 – May 20
The older you get, the better you get…unless you’re a banana.
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Gemini
May 21 – June 20
You’re eager to begin something you can’t finish – a Little Caesar’s pizza. Who can blame you? That shit is nasty.
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Cancer
June 21 – July 22
Jello is not natural. If God wanted peaches to be suspended in mid-air he would have filled them with helium.
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Leo
July 23 – August 22
Those around you are far more interested in your affairs than you think. Keep your booty calls private, your friends close, and your enemies dangling on a weak tree branch over a steep cliff.
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Virgo
August 23 – September 22
No, you are not paranoid. There actually is a giant invisible mutant spider coming after you. But something good will come out of it provided it doesn’t swallow you whole or feed you to its babies.
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Libra
September 23 – October 22
Time may seem to be moving slowly, but that’s only because you have to pee really, really badly and there’s no bathroom in sight.
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Scorpio
October 23 – November 21
“A financial investment may yield more than expected,” is a nice way of saying knocking over a liquor store will rake in enough cash to bribe a mob of bill collectors to stop calling your house. A word of advice, though: DON’T GET CAUGHT.
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Sagittarius
November 22 – December 21
Buying tickets from a scalper is no less of a crime than eating grapes at the supermarket without paying for them.
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Quote of the week: “You shouldn’t mind making jokes, but you should mind looking like one.”
Ooo I love that quote of the week at the end! 🙂
Ain’t it the truth?!