Find out what your luck has in store for you this week.
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Capricorn
December 22 – January 19
This is a fashion faux pas week for you because no matter what you put on, your arms will appear to be shorter than they actually are.
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Aquarius
January 20 – February 18
Silent farts are much worse than invisible ones.
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Pisces
February 19 – March 20
Ironically, the sheriff in Puppytown is a cat.
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Aries
March 21 – April 19
Is something keeping u down? Keep your chins up.
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Taurus
April 20 – May 20
A wise man once said without pot, there’s nothing left to make you not feel what you’re feeling.
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Gemini
May 21 – June 20
Someone would rather comb their coarse hair with the spikes of a porcupine rather than see you win a brutal game of ping-pong.
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Cancer
June 21 – July 22
Your best friend comes from a box; batteries not included.
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Leo
July 23 – August 22
“Commitment” is a three worded declaration that runs most people off before the stalking begins.
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Virgo
August 23 – September 22
You might gain spiritual retribution by feeding onions to a giraffe at midnight under a full moon in Mexico. Good luck with that one, though.
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Libra
September 23 – October 22
You may get a buffet’s worth of free samples and belly fat at any and every grocery store across the land if only you take a pair of nerd specs like Clark Kent did when he didn’t want the world to know (in all of its naivety and blindness) that he was actually Superman.
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Scorpio
October 23 – November 21
Your incessant cheerfulness and sunny disposition is the reason why you wind up going to the cafeteria alone every morning.
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Sagittarius
November 22 – December 21
Romance went out with fuzzy dice and cow print.
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Quote of the week: “A drowning man will clutch at a straw.”