Find out what your luck has in store for you this week.

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Capricorn

December 22 – January 19

This is a fashion faux pas week for you because no matter what you put on, your arms will appear to be shorter than they actually are.

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Aquarius

January 20 – February 18

Silent farts are much worse than invisible ones.

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Pisces

February 19 – March 20

Ironically, the sheriff in Puppytown is a cat.

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Aries

March 21 – April 19

Is something keeping u down? Keep your chins up.

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Taurus

April 20 – May 20

A wise man once said without pot, there’s nothing left to make you not feel what you’re feeling.

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Gemini

May 21 – June 20

Someone would rather comb their coarse hair with the spikes of a porcupine rather than see you win a brutal game of ping-pong.

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Cancer

June 21 – July 22

Your best friend comes from a box; batteries not included.

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Leo

July 23 – August 22

“Commitment” is a three worded declaration that runs most people off before the stalking begins.

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Virgo

August 23 – September 22

You might gain spiritual retribution by feeding onions to a giraffe at midnight under a full moon in Mexico. Good luck with that one, though.

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Libra

September 23 – October 22

You may get a buffet’s worth of free samples and belly fat at any and every grocery store across the land if only you take a pair of nerd specs like Clark Kent did when he didn’t want the world to know (in all of its naivety and blindness) that he was actually Superman.

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Scorpio

October 23 – November 21

Your incessant cheerfulness and sunny disposition is the reason why you wind up going to the cafeteria alone every morning.

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Sagittarius

November 22 – December 21

Romance went out with fuzzy dice and cow print.

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Quote of the week:    “A drowning man will clutch at a straw.”