Find out what your luck has in store for you this week.
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Capricorn
December 22 – January 19
The worst feeling in the world isn’t being broke. It’s not having a bowel movement in 10 days.
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Aquarius
January 20 – February 18
It is never a compliment when someone tells you, “You look like death eating a pickle.”
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Pisces
February 19 – March 20
Chances are you hardly wear underwear this week because your private parts will unexplainably reek of piss and Funyons.
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Aries
March 21 – April 19
Unibrow waxing is linked with low IQs.
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Taurus
April 20 – May 20
A block of government cheese may not do anything for your pimple problem.
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Gemini
May 21 – June 20
It’s ok to sniff your fingers all day after eating fried chicken.
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Cancer
June 21 – July 22
A man does not wander far from where his corn is roasting unless he really has to pee.
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Leo
July 23 – August 22
Gift cards: when you care a lot to do so little.
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Virgo
August 23 – September 22
“You’re the life of the party,” “you’re a real thrill seeker,” and “you’ll try anything once,” are just nice ways of saying “you’re stupid.”
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Libra
September 23 – October 22
Twice is a coincidence. Three times is a pattern. Four times is inebriation. Five times is an accidentally-on-purpose beat down.
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Scorpio
October 23 – November 21
No matter the culture, masterbating at a wedding is never considered appropriate. Butt-sniffing is permissible but only if you’re a puppy.
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Sagittarius
November 22 – December 21
Never underestimate anyone that keeps their hands behind their back.
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Quote of the week: “If you try on enough shoes, eventually you’ll find a pair that fits.”