Find out what your luck has in store for you this week.

_________________________________________________________

Capricorn

December 22 – January 19

The worst feeling in the world isn’t being broke. It’s not having a bowel movement in 10 days.

____________________________________________________

Aquarius

January 20 – February 18

It is never a compliment when someone tells you, “You look like death eating a pickle.”

____________________________________________________

Pisces

February 19 – March 20

Chances are you hardly wear underwear this week because your private parts will unexplainably reek of piss and Funyons.

____________________________________________________

Aries

March 21 – April 19

Unibrow waxing is linked with low IQs.

____________________________________________________

Taurus

April 20 – May 20

A block of government cheese may not do anything for your pimple problem.

____________________________________________________

Gemini

May 21 – June 20

It’s ok to sniff your fingers all day after eating fried chicken.

____________________________________________________

Cancer

June 21 – July 22

A man does not wander far from where his corn is roasting unless he really has to pee.

____________________________________________________

Leo

July 23 – August 22

Gift cards: when you care a lot to do so little.

____________________________________________________

Virgo

August 23 – September 22

“You’re the life of the party,” “you’re a real thrill seeker,” and “you’ll try anything once,” are just nice ways of saying “you’re stupid.”

____________________________________________________

Libra

September 23 – October 22

Twice is a coincidence. Three times is a pattern. Four times is inebriation. Five times is an accidentally-on-purpose beat down.

____________________________________________________

Scorpio

October 23 – November 21

No matter the culture, masterbating at a wedding is never considered appropriate. Butt-sniffing is permissible but only if you’re a puppy.

____________________________________________________

Sagittarius

November 22 – December 21

Never underestimate anyone that keeps their hands behind their back.

_________________________________________________________

Quote of the week:    “If you try on enough shoes, eventually you’ll find a pair that fits.”