This Week on, “Ask Hottywood!”

Dear Hottywood,

I recently started dating a double-plus-sized stripper. The worst part is not that she’s a stripper; or that she’s plus-sized. The worst part is that I’m more concerned about what other people think (or will think) about me dating an overweight exotic dancer. My girlfriend loves cheeseburgers and stripper poles. I want to say “so what,” because I care about her, but I also care about what other people think [about us, or me for my choice in dating her]. Am I wrong? Should I end this relationship before my worries condemn it?

Eye of the Beholder

Dear Eye of the Beholder,

My GirlYou should end the relationship not because of the fact that your girlfriend has a passion for a double dose of calories; nor for the fact that she spins her extra baby fat around a skinny pole. You need to take some time out to tap into your own confidence and self-consciousness before you let your insecurities hurt her feelings, which can also lead to bitter anger. And if she’s as plus-sized as you make her sound, if I were you I’d be more afraid of her sitting on me and breaking every bone in my body; or afraid of her beating you with a stale biscuit – something you clearly think she shouldn’t have or don’t need.

It sounds like you need a little time to figure out who you are so you don’t worry about how others perceive you. Never mind how others perceive you. What about how she perceives you when she finds out how insecure you are about her? More over; never mind how she perceives you. Your writing to me implies you are questioning your perception of yourself.

You’re looking at the size of her g-string instead of the size of her heart. If you don’t get a grip on maturity and the reality of love, your only thrill will continue to come from broads you buy your time from at the nudey bar, and soon you’ll be left broke and lonely.

If she’s confident enough to take her clothes off to show her fat rolls to a room full of people, then she doesn’t need to be, or deserve to be, for that matter, with someone whose security ranking on a scale of 1-100 is no greater than the average size of a shoe.

You should also keep in mind that no one is perfect. So before you pinpoint her flaws, look in the mirror and count the number of imperfections you may have that could possibly warrant her to write to me in question of how she should deal with your defects.

Good luck with this one, pal.

Hottywood

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Hottywood’s HORRORscopes: Week of December 15-21, 2013

Find out what your luck has in store for you this week.

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Capricorn

December 22 – January 19

Someone may use the word love loosely when a bad situation or a good body organ gets tight.

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Aquarius

January 20 – February 18

As a reward for successfully completing a hard week of cold turkey dieting, you have now earned yourself the right to do 10 things Justin Bieber would do.

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Pisces

February 19 – March 20

If you get nothing else for Christmas, the one thing you WILL get is no sex.

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Aries

March 21 – April 19

No one, except flies, is attracted to your shit.

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Taurus

April 20 – May 20

Never show your arrogance from the wrong side of the cage.

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Gemini

May 21 – June 20

This is your week to do everything YOUR way! Unfortunately your poor sense of judgment will make you do everything wrong. Bribery and lap dances are your best bets.

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Cancer

June 21 – July 22

Things aren’t as weird as your outfit looks.

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Leo

July 23 – August 22

Don’t be shy about running naked through a grocery store while toilet paper hangs from your butt. Be shy after you’ve been locked up and thrown in a cell with three beefy guys that haven’t seen a woman in seven years.

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Virgo

August 23 – September 22

Roll some dice. If you get the number 7, your knee caps will fall off by noon tomorrow.

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Libra

September 23 – October 22

There’s bad news and there’s bad news. Let’s start with the bad news: The bad news is your life up to now has not been worth shit. What could be worse than that? Sadly, tomorrow will be no different.

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Scorpio

October 23 – November 21

For no reason at all, piss on a wall and see what shape it makes. This will not bring you any good or bad luck, but it sure as hell will be both relieving and entertaining.

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Sagittarius

November 22 – December 21

Your impulsive nature may cause you to do number 2 standing up behind a Domino’s Pizza joint in the ritziest part of town. This is a bad week for eating with your hands.

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Quote of the week:    “Drunk drivers run red lights. Stoners wait for the light to turn green.”

Hottywood’s HORRORscopes: Week of December 1-6, 2013

Find out what your luck has in store for you this week.

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Capricorn

December 22 – January 19

You should keep your mouth shut. Remember, that’s how a fish gets caught.

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Aquarius

January 20 – February 18

If you are confused about the status of a date, look into your date’s eyes and say, “This is officially a date.” If they don’t like it, put your clothes back on and go the hell home. Run if you can after you’ve picked your face up off the floor.

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Pisces

February 19 – March 20

The only thing better than finding something you were looking for is finding something you weren’t looking for at a bargain…on a ho stroll…in June…around 2am…while wearing MC Hammer pants.

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Aries

March 21 – April 19

If someone writes in your obituary that you died of gonorrhea instead of diarrhea at the time of your untimely demise, you should be a little flattered. It’s better to be remembered as a lover rather than a sack of shit.

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Taurus

April 20 – May 20

Congratulations! You have just been elected as chairman of the Itty Bitty Titty Committee.

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Gemini

May 21 – June 20

A wise pothead once said, “There is no smoke without fire.”

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Cancer

June 21 – July 22

Nothing good ever comes from a big furry butt covered with leather insulated underwear. Nothing.

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Leo

July 23 – August 22

Once you’re in hell only the devil can help you out.

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Virgo

August 23 – September 22

Teeth that glitter aren’t always gold.

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Libra

September 23 – October 22

You can get people to do anything you want just by saying, “I killed Simon. I am the new Simon Says.”

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Scorpio

October 23 – November 21

You can’t quite get moving today. It’s probably because you haven’t had a decent morning bowel movement. When you do, do it publicly on a [staff meeting] conference room table.

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Sagittarius

November 22 – December 21

Sometimes all you need to know is your name…and maybe if you’re wearing clean underwear.

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Quote of the week:    Every cow needs its titty milk more than once.