Hottywood’s HORRORscopes: Week of December 1-6, 2013

Find out what your luck has in store for you this week.

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Capricorn

December 22 – January 19

You should keep your mouth shut. Remember, that’s how a fish gets caught.

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Aquarius

January 20 – February 18

If you are confused about the status of a date, look into your date’s eyes and say, “This is officially a date.” If they don’t like it, put your clothes back on and go the hell home. Run if you can after you’ve picked your face up off the floor.

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Pisces

February 19 – March 20

The only thing better than finding something you were looking for is finding something you weren’t looking for at a bargain…on a ho stroll…in June…around 2am…while wearing MC Hammer pants.

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Aries

March 21 – April 19

If someone writes in your obituary that you died of gonorrhea instead of diarrhea at the time of your untimely demise, you should be a little flattered. It’s better to be remembered as a lover rather than a sack of shit.

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Taurus

April 20 – May 20

Congratulations! You have just been elected as chairman of the Itty Bitty Titty Committee.

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Gemini

May 21 – June 20

A wise pothead once said, “There is no smoke without fire.”

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Cancer

June 21 – July 22

Nothing good ever comes from a big furry butt covered with leather insulated underwear. Nothing.

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Leo

July 23 – August 22

Once you’re in hell only the devil can help you out.

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Virgo

August 23 – September 22

Teeth that glitter aren’t always gold.

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Libra

September 23 – October 22

You can get people to do anything you want just by saying, “I killed Simon. I am the new Simon Says.”

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Scorpio

October 23 – November 21

You can’t quite get moving today. It’s probably because you haven’t had a decent morning bowel movement. When you do, do it publicly on a [staff meeting] conference room table.

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Sagittarius

November 22 – December 21

Sometimes all you need to know is your name…and maybe if you’re wearing clean underwear.

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Quote of the week:    Every cow needs its titty milk more than once.

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