Find out what your luck has in store for you this week.

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Capricorn

December 22 – January 19

Someone may use the word love loosely when a bad situation or a good body organ gets tight.

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Aquarius

January 20 – February 18

As a reward for successfully completing a hard week of cold turkey dieting, you have now earned yourself the right to do 10 things Justin Bieber would do.

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Pisces

February 19 – March 20

If you get nothing else for Christmas, the one thing you WILL get is no sex.

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Aries

March 21 – April 19

No one, except flies, is attracted to your shit.

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Taurus

April 20 – May 20

Never show your arrogance from the wrong side of the cage.

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Gemini

May 21 – June 20

This is your week to do everything YOUR way! Unfortunately your poor sense of judgment will make you do everything wrong. Bribery and lap dances are your best bets.

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Cancer

June 21 – July 22

Things aren’t as weird as your outfit looks.

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Leo

July 23 – August 22

Don’t be shy about running naked through a grocery store while toilet paper hangs from your butt. Be shy after you’ve been locked up and thrown in a cell with three beefy guys that haven’t seen a woman in seven years.

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Virgo

August 23 – September 22

Roll some dice. If you get the number 7, your knee caps will fall off by noon tomorrow.

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Libra

September 23 – October 22

There’s bad news and there’s bad news. Let’s start with the bad news: The bad news is your life up to now has not been worth shit. What could be worse than that? Sadly, tomorrow will be no different.

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Scorpio

October 23 – November 21

For no reason at all, piss on a wall and see what shape it makes. This will not bring you any good or bad luck, but it sure as hell will be both relieving and entertaining.

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Sagittarius

November 22 – December 21

Your impulsive nature may cause you to do number 2 standing up behind a Domino’s Pizza joint in the ritziest part of town. This is a bad week for eating with your hands.

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Quote of the week:    “Drunk drivers run red lights. Stoners wait for the light to turn green.”