Find out what your luck has in store for you this week.
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Capricorn
December 22 – January 19
Someone may use the word love loosely when a bad situation or a good body organ gets tight.
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Aquarius
January 20 – February 18
As a reward for successfully completing a hard week of cold turkey dieting, you have now earned yourself the right to do 10 things Justin Bieber would do.
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Pisces
February 19 – March 20
If you get nothing else for Christmas, the one thing you WILL get is no sex.
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Aries
March 21 – April 19
No one, except flies, is attracted to your shit.
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Taurus
April 20 – May 20
Never show your arrogance from the wrong side of the cage.
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Gemini
May 21 – June 20
This is your week to do everything YOUR way! Unfortunately your poor sense of judgment will make you do everything wrong. Bribery and lap dances are your best bets.
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Cancer
June 21 – July 22
Things aren’t as weird as your outfit looks.
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Leo
July 23 – August 22
Don’t be shy about running naked through a grocery store while toilet paper hangs from your butt. Be shy after you’ve been locked up and thrown in a cell with three beefy guys that haven’t seen a woman in seven years.
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Virgo
August 23 – September 22
Roll some dice. If you get the number 7, your knee caps will fall off by noon tomorrow.
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Libra
September 23 – October 22
There’s bad news and there’s bad news. Let’s start with the bad news: The bad news is your life up to now has not been worth shit. What could be worse than that? Sadly, tomorrow will be no different.
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Scorpio
October 23 – November 21
For no reason at all, piss on a wall and see what shape it makes. This will not bring you any good or bad luck, but it sure as hell will be both relieving and entertaining.
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Sagittarius
November 22 – December 21
Your impulsive nature may cause you to do number 2 standing up behind a Domino’s Pizza joint in the ritziest part of town. This is a bad week for eating with your hands.
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Quote of the week: “Drunk drivers run red lights. Stoners wait for the light to turn green.”