17 Ways to Get Removed From My Contacts List

Hey look, let me be honest. I’m a pretty cool and simple guy, if I do say so myself…and I do. I put my pants on one leg at a time just like everyone else. But I do believe in boundaries. I really couldn’t care less if you like those boundaries or not. But if you cross that line, MY line, your ass will get cut one way or another. On a more happier note, though, I welcome friends. So if you wish to get pulled into and remain in my inner circle then you should be warned never to break any one of these 17 rules.

  1. Always remember that even though I am not always right, I am never wrong. If you’re righter than I am, something is wrong is with you. And I don’t do wrong or crazy. Well I do but that’s a story for another time.
  2. Don’t disturb me while I’m eating fried chicken. Don’t ask for any. Don’t inhale the aroma, it’s MINE!  GTFOH with your hungry self!
  3. Don’t mess with my money, my mama, or my chicken!  Homie don’t play dat! I don’t play that either. To be honest with you, I have no idea who the hell Homie is.
  4. Don’t take any of my french fries. You will almost always return home with one or two missing fingers.
  5. One night stands cannot spend the night after the deed has been done. Don’t ask. Don’t imply. Don’t try on the sneak tip. Show yourself out of my house either by [front] doorway or bathroom window.
  6. Don’t ask me more than three questions at a time. I have a three question limit. Anything after that will get you deathly close to a roller derby push over a long cliff.
  7. Don’t lie to me. There’s no point. Chances are I don’t care what it is you’re lying about anyway.
  8. Don’t wear black and navy blue at the same time. The two colors don’t go together and I will call you all kinds of bammas.
  9. Don’t speak to me before 9am. I don’t like people before 9am.
  10. Don’t assume that just because I’ve shown a little interest in your conversation that I’m interested in you. Most likely I’m not. I’m just polite until I get tired of pretending.
  11. Don’t pretend to be my friend and then dog me out behind my back. I have enough fake people in my life. Some of them are of the same blood line. Others sign my pay check.
  12. Get to the point of any story you are trying to tell me. I get bored quickly; I’m usually uninterested in the story I’m being told; I have the attention span of a goldfish.
  13. Don’t be ugly AND mean. Ugly people should ALWAYS be nice. Don’t be pretty AND mean. A pretty face will only get you but so far, unless you’re a prostitute, and even then you are paid to do what you are told, and I’m telling you not to be pretty AND mean.
  14. Don’t call me on the phone. Text me. I HATE the phone and 9 times out of 10 I will ignore you, block you, or delete you. Forever and ever. Amen.
  15. Don’t ask me why I get thirsty after I get out of the bath tub. I don’t know why and it’s none of your damn business.
  16. Don’t eat yellow snow. That shit is nasty. Or that piss, rather.
  17. Don’t be lazier than I am. I can’t stand a lazy mothereffer. Sometimes I can’t stand myself so you know damn well I won’t be able to stand you.

As long as you don’t break any of these rules then we’re good. Believe me though, I have no problem deleting folks permanently. “Out of sight; out of mind.” I have more than enough voices in my head to keep me company.

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Quote of the Week:  “Every cow needs its tail more than once.”

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Hottywood’s HORRORscopes: Week of January 26-February 1, 2014

Find out what your luck has in store for you this week.

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Capricorn

December 22 – January 19

Looking like you were bobbing for apples before showing up at the office is not cute, unless of course you were actually bobbing for apples. Then…well…never mind.

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Aquarius

January 20 – February 18

You paid $120 for a pair of suede shoes. Then you spilled a $5 chocolate ice cream cone on them. That was $125 worth of poor judgment.

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Pisces

February 19 – March 20

Someone will begin to grow on you, like a chia pet.

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Aries

March 21 – April 19

There are two words on this planet that can make all of your pain go away: MINIATURE GOLF.

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Taurus

April 20 – May 20

Beware of a misinterpretation of your vagina.

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Gemini

May 21 – June 20

The same person that offers you their unwarranted opinion is the same person that thinks cheese does not go bad.

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Cancer

June 21 – July 22

Your entire life will flash before your eyes, and it will be boring.

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Leo

July 23 – August 22

You’ve lived where you are since you moved there.

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Virgo

August 23 – September 22

666, 13 and 911 are your lucky numbers for the week. Unfortunately you won’t win the lottery off any of these, but you will be pulled over by the police at least 13 times.

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Libra

September 23 – October 22

These seven words will cause you to throw a jelly donut in someone’s face: “So what do you do all day?”

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Scorpio

October 23 – November 21

You will be buried under a mountain of shaving cream. This will be potentially disastrous if you are a hairy ass female.

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Sagittarius

November 22 – December 21

All of your lovers’ kisses will taste like puppy spit. Here’s your perfect chance to reconsider your taste in romantic partners.

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Quote of the week:    “…ain’t nobody mad but the devil.”

This Week on, “Ask Hottywood!”

Dear Hottywood, 

I read your column all the time and laugh at some of the [relationship] advice you give to your readers. Well this time I’m coming to you for that same enlightening advice.

For the last two and a half weeks, I’ve been seeing a young lady that I met by way of a mutual friend. The introduction was initially set up because of our supposed similar interests. I should probably say that we went all the way on our first date, thus in my eyes, placing her on booty call status. However in HER eyes, I’m THE ONE. In these short days I’ve become a just-add-water husband. She’s told all of her friends and family about me, made me her beneficiary in the likeliness of her untimely demise, and is now talking marriage, children, and where we’re going to live once we’ve retired.

I’ve tried to tell her that she’s moving way too fast and that I very much enjoy my bachelor life, but that doesn’t seem to be getting through her thick skull. I don’t want to hurt her, but I don’t want anything more to do with her than a quick “What’s up?” on somebody’s instant message chat service.

How can I dump this chick without breaking her heart?

HELP. I’VE FALLEN AND I CAN’T GET UP

Dear HELP. I’VE FALLEN AND I CAN’T GET UP,

BREAK UPIt sounds like you’ve gotten yourself into one fine mess. Should I bother to pinpoint where you made your mistakes? You slept with her already; you’ve entertained her love lust for you; and you’ve kept her around even though you told her you like to roll as a bachelor.

You’re giving her the impression as though there’s still some hope for her delusional ass. As long as you continue to pretend to be interested she’s going to continue to actually be interested.

Sadly, judging by the way you’ve described how she’s latched on to your nuts, it doesn’t look like you’re going to make a clean break from ol’ gal. You have one of three options here.

  1. Tell her the truth. “Bish, Ion’t want you!” Wait. That may be too harsh. “I’m not interested. It’s not me. It’s you.” It still may be a little harsh, but the truth will set you free. Free from this Earth when she runs over your ass with a dune buggy. No matter how you spin it, telling her the truth is going to break her heart because you’ll be telling her something she doesn’t want to hear. Let me just warn you now to watch out for the water works. No man is safe from a woman when she begins to cry.
  2. Pick an argument with her. It doesn’t matter what the argument is about. It could be over the smallest, dumbest thing you can think of. Tell her you hate the way her hairy knees feel when they brush up against the back of your legs when you two lay in bed together. Whatever excuse you come up with, though, be sure to make a big, ignorant deal out of it. The key to this trick is to make her out to be the bad guy [tell her she should be whipped with a bag of nickels for having hairy knees]. And no matter what she says or does, do not let her accept the blame for the argument…or shave her knees. You want her knees to stay hairy in the event she traps some other dude after you and he needs a good excuse to dump her ass.
  3. Be a real man and disappear into the wind. Cut off all communication her; text, phone, email, messenger pigeon, foam cups and string, miming – the whole 9.

There’s not going to be an easy way to get out of this so you should probably expect to come out with a few scars. If you’re still standing in the end though with all of your body parts intact, and are still single to boot, then the battle was worth the fight!

Hottywood’s HORRORscopes: Week of January 12-18, 2014

Eventually

Find out what your luck has in store for you this week.

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Capricorn

December 22 – January 19

You shouldn’t go looking for love but if you do, start your search behind a Domino’s Pizza joint.

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Aquarius

January 20 – February 18

Poker in the front; liquor in the back.

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Pisces

February 19 – March 20

Every party is better with a goat.

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Aries

March 21 – April 19

The next mountain of fish sticks you eat will give you guppy lips.

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Taurus

April 20 – May 20

Things might be looking up if you fancy bathing naked in a stranger’s kitchen sink. And by “things looking up,” I mean your cell mate’s private parts.

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Gemini

May 21 – June 20

Listerine is the champagne of bottled mouth wash.

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Cancer

June 21 – July 22

Never trust a sales person that smiles when they talk. It usually means their underwear are extra tight.

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Leo

July 23 – August 22

“Press your lips together and blow” is a statement of both survival and popularity in every fish tank across the land.

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Virgo

August 23 – September 22

The funk never falls far from the pit.

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Libra

September 23 – October 22

You will be invited to be a third wheel on a second one night stand.

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Scorpio

October 23 – November 21

Guessing the weight of babies is a new found skill this month as long as you don’t get them confused with midgets.

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Sagittarius

November 22 – December 21

A feeling that you are wrong about something will be no different than the way you’ve ever felt before in your life, mainly because you are usually wrong about everything, including that outfit you’re wearing today.

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Quote of the week:    “At the end of the day it’s another day over.”