Find out what your luck has in store for you this week.
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Capricorn
December 22 – January 19
You shouldn’t go looking for love but if you do, start your search behind a Domino’s Pizza joint.
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Aquarius
January 20 – February 18
Poker in the front; liquor in the back.
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Pisces
February 19 – March 20
Every party is better with a goat.
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Aries
March 21 – April 19
The next mountain of fish sticks you eat will give you guppy lips.
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Taurus
April 20 – May 20
Things might be looking up if you fancy bathing naked in a stranger’s kitchen sink. And by “things looking up,” I mean your cell mate’s private parts.
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Gemini
May 21 – June 20
Listerine is the champagne of bottled mouth wash.
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Cancer
June 21 – July 22
Never trust a sales person that smiles when they talk. It usually means their underwear are extra tight.
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Leo
July 23 – August 22
“Press your lips together and blow” is a statement of both survival and popularity in every fish tank across the land.
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Virgo
August 23 – September 22
The funk never falls far from the pit.
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Libra
September 23 – October 22
You will be invited to be a third wheel on a second one night stand.
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Scorpio
October 23 – November 21
Guessing the weight of babies is a new found skill this month as long as you don’t get them confused with midgets.
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Sagittarius
November 22 – December 21
A feeling that you are wrong about something will be no different than the way you’ve ever felt before in your life, mainly because you are usually wrong about everything, including that outfit you’re wearing today.
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Quote of the week: “At the end of the day it’s another day over.”
