Hottywood’s HORRORscopes: Week of January 12-18, 2014

Eventually

Find out what your luck has in store for you this week.

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Capricorn

December 22 – January 19

You shouldn’t go looking for love but if you do, start your search behind a Domino’s Pizza joint.

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Aquarius

January 20 – February 18

Poker in the front; liquor in the back.

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Pisces

February 19 – March 20

Every party is better with a goat.

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Aries

March 21 – April 19

The next mountain of fish sticks you eat will give you guppy lips.

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Taurus

April 20 – May 20

Things might be looking up if you fancy bathing naked in a stranger’s kitchen sink. And by “things looking up,” I mean your cell mate’s private parts.

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Gemini

May 21 – June 20

Listerine is the champagne of bottled mouth wash.

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Cancer

June 21 – July 22

Never trust a sales person that smiles when they talk. It usually means their underwear are extra tight.

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Leo

July 23 – August 22

“Press your lips together and blow” is a statement of both survival and popularity in every fish tank across the land.

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Virgo

August 23 – September 22

The funk never falls far from the pit.

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Libra

September 23 – October 22

You will be invited to be a third wheel on a second one night stand.

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Scorpio

October 23 – November 21

Guessing the weight of babies is a new found skill this month as long as you don’t get them confused with midgets.

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Sagittarius

November 22 – December 21

A feeling that you are wrong about something will be no different than the way you’ve ever felt before in your life, mainly because you are usually wrong about everything, including that outfit you’re wearing today.

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Quote of the week:    “At the end of the day it’s another day over.”

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