Find out what your luck has in store for you this week.
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Capricorn
December 22 – January 19
Looking like you were bobbing for apples before showing up at the office is not cute, unless of course you were actually bobbing for apples. Then…well…never mind.
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Aquarius
January 20 – February 18
You paid $120 for a pair of suede shoes. Then you spilled a $5 chocolate ice cream cone on them. That was $125 worth of poor judgment.
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Pisces
February 19 – March 20
Someone will begin to grow on you, like a chia pet.
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Aries
March 21 – April 19
There are two words on this planet that can make all of your pain go away: MINIATURE GOLF.
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Taurus
April 20 – May 20
Beware of a misinterpretation of your vagina.
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Gemini
May 21 – June 20
The same person that offers you their unwarranted opinion is the same person that thinks cheese does not go bad.
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Cancer
June 21 – July 22
Your entire life will flash before your eyes, and it will be boring.
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Leo
July 23 – August 22
You’ve lived where you are since you moved there.
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Virgo
August 23 – September 22
666, 13 and 911 are your lucky numbers for the week. Unfortunately you won’t win the lottery off any of these, but you will be pulled over by the police at least 13 times.
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Libra
September 23 – October 22
These seven words will cause you to throw a jelly donut in someone’s face: “So what do you do all day?”
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Scorpio
October 23 – November 21
You will be buried under a mountain of shaving cream. This will be potentially disastrous if you are a hairy ass female.
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Sagittarius
November 22 – December 21
All of your lovers’ kisses will taste like puppy spit. Here’s your perfect chance to reconsider your taste in romantic partners.
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Quote of the week: “…ain’t nobody mad but the devil.”
