Find out what your luck has in store for you this week.

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Capricorn

December 22 – January 19

Looking like you were bobbing for apples before showing up at the office is not cute, unless of course you were actually bobbing for apples. Then…well…never mind.

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Aquarius

January 20 – February 18

You paid $120 for a pair of suede shoes. Then you spilled a $5 chocolate ice cream cone on them. That was $125 worth of poor judgment.

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Pisces

February 19 – March 20

Someone will begin to grow on you, like a chia pet.

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Aries

March 21 – April 19

There are two words on this planet that can make all of your pain go away: MINIATURE GOLF.

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Taurus

April 20 – May 20

Beware of a misinterpretation of your vagina.

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Gemini

May 21 – June 20

The same person that offers you their unwarranted opinion is the same person that thinks cheese does not go bad.

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Cancer

June 21 – July 22

Your entire life will flash before your eyes, and it will be boring.

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Leo

July 23 – August 22

You’ve lived where you are since you moved there.

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Virgo

August 23 – September 22

666, 13 and 911 are your lucky numbers for the week. Unfortunately you won’t win the lottery off any of these, but you will be pulled over by the police at least 13 times.

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Libra

September 23 – October 22

These seven words will cause you to throw a jelly donut in someone’s face: “So what do you do all day?”

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Scorpio

October 23 – November 21

You will be buried under a mountain of shaving cream. This will be potentially disastrous if you are a hairy ass female.

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Sagittarius

November 22 – December 21

All of your lovers’ kisses will taste like puppy spit. Here’s your perfect chance to reconsider your taste in romantic partners.

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Quote of the week:    “…ain’t nobody mad but the devil.”