17 Ways to Get Removed From My Contacts List

Hey look, let me be honest. I’m a pretty cool and simple guy, if I do say so myself…and I do. I put my pants on one leg at a time just like everyone else. But I do believe in boundaries. I really couldn’t care less if you like those boundaries or not. But if you cross that line, MY line, your ass will get cut one way or another. On a more happier note, though, I welcome friends. So if you wish to get pulled into and remain in my inner circle then you should be warned never to break any one of these 17 rules.

  1. Always remember that even though I am not always right, I am never wrong. If you’re righter than I am, something is wrong is with you. And I don’t do wrong or crazy. Well I do but that’s a story for another time.
  2. Don’t disturb me while I’m eating fried chicken. Don’t ask for any. Don’t inhale the aroma, it’s MINE!  GTFOH with your hungry self!
  3. Don’t mess with my money, my mama, or my chicken!  Homie don’t play dat! I don’t play that either. To be honest with you, I have no idea who the hell Homie is.
  4. Don’t take any of my french fries. You will almost always return home with one or two missing fingers.
  5. One night stands cannot spend the night after the deed has been done. Don’t ask. Don’t imply. Don’t try on the sneak tip. Show yourself out of my house either by [front] doorway or bathroom window.
  6. Don’t ask me more than three questions at a time. I have a three question limit. Anything after that will get you deathly close to a roller derby push over a long cliff.
  7. Don’t lie to me. There’s no point. Chances are I don’t care what it is you’re lying about anyway.
  8. Don’t wear black and navy blue at the same time. The two colors don’t go together and I will call you all kinds of bammas.
  9. Don’t speak to me before 9am. I don’t like people before 9am.
  10. Don’t assume that just because I’ve shown a little interest in your conversation that I’m interested in you. Most likely I’m not. I’m just polite until I get tired of pretending.
  11. Don’t pretend to be my friend and then dog me out behind my back. I have enough fake people in my life. Some of them are of the same blood line. Others sign my pay check.
  12. Get to the point of any story you are trying to tell me. I get bored quickly; I’m usually uninterested in the story I’m being told; I have the attention span of a goldfish.
  13. Don’t be ugly AND mean. Ugly people should ALWAYS be nice. Don’t be pretty AND mean. A pretty face will only get you but so far, unless you’re a prostitute, and even then you are paid to do what you are told, and I’m telling you not to be pretty AND mean.
  14. Don’t call me on the phone. Text me. I HATE the phone and 9 times out of 10 I will ignore you, block you, or delete you. Forever and ever. Amen.
  15. Don’t ask me why I get thirsty after I get out of the bath tub. I don’t know why and it’s none of your damn business.
  16. Don’t eat yellow snow. That shit is nasty. Or that piss, rather.
  17. Don’t be lazier than I am. I can’t stand a lazy mothereffer. Sometimes I can’t stand myself so you know damn well I won’t be able to stand you.

As long as you don’t break any of these rules then we’re good. Believe me though, I have no problem deleting folks permanently. “Out of sight; out of mind.” I have more than enough voices in my head to keep me company.


Quote of the Week:  “Every cow needs its tail more than once.”

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