Hottywood’s HORRORscopes: Week of February 23-March 1, 2014

LEO

Find out what your luck has in store for you this week.

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Capricorn

December 22 – January 19

Simply because it’s your prerogative, staple a block of jelly to your nipples and pretend you own an oil refinery.

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Aquarius

January 20 – February 18

There’s only one thing worse than going #2 on yourself. Oh, who are you kidding? No there isn’t.

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Pisces

February 19 – March 20

Give everyone you meet today a pickle and feather-tickle their underarms.

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Aries

March 21 – April 19

Avoid playing board games with people with large foreheads.

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Taurus

April 20 – May 20

You seem to be coating yourself in glue and rolling around in sesame seeds a lot lately. This is an appropriate definition of “bringing sexy back.”

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Gemini

May 21 – June 20

Today is a good day to freeze your most important (or favorite) body part(s) in a block of ice, and later thaw (taunting) yourself in front of a family of albino penguins.

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Cancer

June 21 – July 22

Naked posters of Candice Bergen (Murphy Brown) will haunt your dreams tonight.

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Leo

July 23 – August 22

Never shove a roll of duct tape up your nose while taking a driver’s test. Something will smell fishy.

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Virgo

August 23 – September 22

Trading wash cloths with a 6ft dwarf and French kissing a one-eyed half Egyptian/half Guatemalan maid will be the highlight of your day, provided you narrowly escape getting hit by a run-away bus and live to tell about it. #BusyDay

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Libra

September 23 – October 22

Just because modern science came up with a formula for cinnamon flavored dental floss doesn’t mean it can so easily come up with a cure for the flu.

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Scorpio

October 23 – November 21

Beware of the nutshell answer.

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Sagittarius

November 22 – December 21

Only for TRUE friends, serve any cake that you baked — if you can lift it

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Quote of the week:    “Don’t go through life with a catcher’s mitt on both hands. You need to be able to throw something back.”

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Hottywood’s HORRORscopes: Week of February 16-22, 2014

Furry Fortune Teller

Find out what your luck has in store for you this week.

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Capricorn

December 22 – January 19

Your hair may fall out and your skin may wrinkle, but Viagra is forever.  Well, at least 4-8 hours of a lifetime.

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Aquarius

January 20 – February 18

You have the singing voice of Aaron Neville and the face of a chipmunk, which is actually kind of redundant. Aaron Neville is a chipmunk.

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Pisces

February 19 – March 20

You will not be able to get the song “I Never Thought I Would Grow Hair There” out of your head.

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Aries

March 21 – April 19

Your life is filled with a million stories. Half of them are true. The other half hasn’t happened yet.

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Taurus

April 20 – May 20

In the fate of danger you will want to tell someone, “In the end, I hope it’s me and not you.” But if you say that you’d be lying. You’d really hope it’s them.

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Gemini

May 21 – June 20

That’s so cute. You think you have a choice.

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Cancer

June 21 – July 22

The answer to your question is either too much of a little or not enough of almost.

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Leo

July 23 – August 22

You are kind of like the before in a makeover show.

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Virgo

August 23 – September 22

There are no small minds, only big heads.

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Libra

September 23 – October 22

The best part about dating someone in a wheelchair is that when you both get drunk you can call a special bus company and get a free ride home.

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Scorpio

October 23 – November 21

You will lie before you open your mouth.

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Sagittarius

November 22 – December 21

You will recover nicely from a lack of an oven mitt situation.

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Quote of the week:    “Man does not live by soap alone.”