Find out what your luck has in store for you this week.
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Capricorn
December 22 – January 19
Your hair may fall out and your skin may wrinkle, but Viagra is forever. Well, at least 4-8 hours of a lifetime.
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Aquarius
January 20 – February 18
You have the singing voice of Aaron Neville and the face of a chipmunk, which is actually kind of redundant. Aaron Neville is a chipmunk.
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Pisces
February 19 – March 20
You will not be able to get the song “I Never Thought I Would Grow Hair There” out of your head.
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Aries
March 21 – April 19
Your life is filled with a million stories. Half of them are true. The other half hasn’t happened yet.
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Taurus
April 20 – May 20
In the fate of danger you will want to tell someone, “In the end, I hope it’s me and not you.” But if you say that you’d be lying. You’d really hope it’s them.
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Gemini
May 21 – June 20
That’s so cute. You think you have a choice.
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Cancer
June 21 – July 22
The answer to your question is either too much of a little or not enough of almost.
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Leo
July 23 – August 22
You are kind of like the before in a makeover show.
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Virgo
August 23 – September 22
There are no small minds, only big heads.
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Libra
September 23 – October 22
The best part about dating someone in a wheelchair is that when you both get drunk you can call a special bus company and get a free ride home.
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Scorpio
October 23 – November 21
You will lie before you open your mouth.
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Sagittarius
November 22 – December 21
You will recover nicely from a lack of an oven mitt situation.
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Quote of the week: “Man does not live by soap alone.”
