Find out what your luck has in store for you this week.
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Capricorn
December 22 – January 19
Simply because it’s your prerogative, staple a block of jelly to your nipples and pretend you own an oil refinery.
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Aquarius
January 20 – February 18
There’s only one thing worse than going #2 on yourself. Oh, who are you kidding? No there isn’t.
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Pisces
February 19 – March 20
Give everyone you meet today a pickle and feather-tickle their underarms.
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Aries
March 21 – April 19
Avoid playing board games with people with large foreheads.
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Taurus
April 20 – May 20
You seem to be coating yourself in glue and rolling around in sesame seeds a lot lately. This is an appropriate definition of “bringing sexy back.”
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Gemini
May 21 – June 20
Today is a good day to freeze your most important (or favorite) body part(s) in a block of ice, and later thaw (taunting) yourself in front of a family of albino penguins.
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Cancer
June 21 – July 22
Naked posters of Candice Bergen (Murphy Brown) will haunt your dreams tonight.
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Leo
July 23 – August 22
Never shove a roll of duct tape up your nose while taking a driver’s test. Something will smell fishy.
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Virgo
August 23 – September 22
Trading wash cloths with a 6ft dwarf and French kissing a one-eyed half Egyptian/half Guatemalan maid will be the highlight of your day, provided you narrowly escape getting hit by a run-away bus and live to tell about it. #BusyDay
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Libra
September 23 – October 22
Just because modern science came up with a formula for cinnamon flavored dental floss doesn’t mean it can so easily come up with a cure for the flu.
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Scorpio
October 23 – November 21
Beware of the nutshell answer.
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Sagittarius
November 22 – December 21
Only for TRUE friends, serve any cake that you baked — if you can lift it
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Quote of the week: “Don’t go through life with a catcher’s mitt on both hands. You need to be able to throw something back.”
