Hottywood’s HORRORscopes: Week of March 30-April 5, 2014

free hugs

Find out what your luck has in store for you this week.

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Capricorn

December 22 – January 19

If your pet is a giant penguin, keep it away from valuable bottles.

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Aquarius

January 20 – February 18

Everybody at the bottom crosses paths eventually.

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Pisces

February 19 – March 20

Necessity is the mother of invention…and anonymous sex.

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Aries

March 21 – April 19

Your next carryout experience will sort of remind you of a combination of morning breath and cigarettes.

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Taurus

April 20 – May 20

Don’t waste your quarters washing clothes this week. You’re going to need them for something else. Instead, wear your jeans, socks and underwear inside out and hope for the best.

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Gemini

May 21 – June 20

You’ll never be the man your sister is.

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Cancer

June 21 – July 22

This week you may be tough to figure out because you will answer all questions with a question while speaking with a Pig-Latin British-Arabian accent.

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Leo

July 23 – August 22

Some may think you strive to be a doormat, which means a lot of people will attempt to walk all over you. This does nothing for your character. What was your name again? Exactly.

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Virgo

August 23 – September 22

Applaud yourself every time you enter a room. Mostly likely no one else will.

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Libra

September 23 – October 22

“You say tomato”; “I say tomawto” is just someone’s way of not admitting they are wrong as hell. But tomawto isn’t just wrong, it’s also stupid.

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Scorpio

October 23 – November 21

You can’t help it. Sometimes you con yourself into things just to get through life.

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Sagittarius

November 22 – December 21

You are a total pain in the ass. You regulate your breathing and farting and color-coordinate your underwear drawer. Prepare to eat lunch alone.

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Quote of the week:    “Common sense is not so common.”

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Just One of Those Days

OneOfThoseDays

Today is one of those days. Yup I’ve concluded.

My mood is straight up. It isn’t anything eluded.

The rain is coming down and my penis is risen.

My stomach is growling and I’m without any chicken.

My coworkers are all talking holes in my head

And my bad luck hasn’t been lucky yet enough to kill me dead.

The phone keeps ringing, while unexpected meetings pop up.

Instead of death on the spot this is my luck.

Horny as a toad, stuck in a room for eight hours.

My colleagues’ sweet salutations causes my mood to steadily sour.

As much as I want to say “Get the hell away,” I don’t think today is the day I should go that way.

“Why do you say that?” asks the nosy man on my left.

Because today is pay day and I’d like to continue collecting checks.

In my future though, rests a spirits store and some green

If you don’t get it, you don’t get – like the Washington Post, nah mean?

Speaking of “don’t get it,” I’m not getting it now

Which is why I’m in this mood. BOOM, BAM, KAPOW!

Something’s gotta give, and I mean soon before I turn into a straight goon.

The day is still young and the night’s not here yet.

I know I’ma get something. You can place that on a bet!

Was it this serious for me to put this in a poem?

Yes it was cause that’s how I roll

BITCHEZ!

 

Hottywood’s HORRORscopes: Week of March 23-29, 2014

Groped

Find out what your luck has in store for you this week.

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Capricorn

December 22 – January 19

There is a story in your future: Once upon a time your laundry made it to the front door. The end.

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Aquarius

January 20 – February 18

For 7 days, no matter how much you clean, every time you have company your bathroom toilet will have an ungodly bodily fluid filth on the inner edges of the [toilet] seat.

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Pisces

February 19 – March 20

What good is freedom if u can’t feel your nipples?

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Aries

March 21 – April 19

You’re not sure what’s going on today. Relax. It isn’t the end of the world because it’s not the first time you’ve been clueless about shit.

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Taurus

April 20 – May 20

Today you just might successfully recruit someone weird enough to scrape the dead skin from between your toes. This person will either be a friend for life or a serial killer with a foot fungus fetish.

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Gemini

May 21 – June 20

Develop your individuality by sleeping with any person willing to pay you $.50 for telling you how good you look in a pair of MC Hammer pants.

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Cancer

June 21 – July 22

Your overwhelming need to be needy is making someone feel a need to either punch you in the esophagus or drown themselves in a 24oz bottle of Deer Park water.

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Leo

July 23 – August 22

Put your elbows on your knees if you want to shit at ease.

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Virgo

August 23 – September 22

You need to feel a sense of accomplishment today; begin by lotioning the back of your neck.

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Libra

September 23 – October 22

You are likely to deal with an old person’s unexpected bladder eruption.

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Scorpio

October 23 – November 21

You can actually make a real difference by super gluing someone’s gym socks to a glass panel of a revolving door while they are still wearing those socks.

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Sagittarius

November 22 – December 21

Today is as good a day as any to French braid your pubic hair.

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Quote of the week:    “What you see depends mainly on what you look for.”

Chivalry isn’t Dead, it’s Just a Little Numb

Construction Worker Whistle

It would be really nice if a woman would kindly tell me why most women (seemingly the most unattractive ones, dare I say) have a pissy attitude when a man greets them with a courteous hello.

I’m going to jump out on a limb and say the vast majority of women deals with impolite, discourteous, pornographic, horny, disrespectful and sometimes even and/or overly obnoxious men on a regular basis; and because of their encounters [with such men], they’ve assumed that every man that offers a friendly salutation has some other motive in mind. I could be wrong with my assumption but personal experience has been doing nothing but challenging my ethics and common courtesies.

NO

Ladies, on behalf of the disrespectful men that have in one way or another disrupted your good days with a very bad “psst”, a whistle, “hey mama”, “can I get in those jeans”, “what’s up with that”, or “damn you’s a fine bitch!”, I would like to apologize. Maybe those men don’t get or haven’t gotten any attention, or loving, or special kisses, or ass. Maybe they were raised by wolves. Maybe the stork delivered them to the doorsteps of their parents. Maybe they don’t believe their mothers are actually women. Whatever their reasons for being douche bags, I’m making a personal plea that you get over yourselves and stop taking out your angrywomanism on every single man that greets you out of the kindness of his heart. To put it simply, not all men are jerks. And not all men want to get in your bloomers. And to those lesser attractive women, you should be nicer. Ugly people shouldn’t be mean. Though I could flush out that statement by saying something like nobody wants your shoe bottom face lookin’ ass, I’m going to be nice and keep it simple.

Every man isn’t in to you. Every man doesn’t want to take a sip of your sweet & sour nectar. The good men, like myself, will eventually wonder why you don’t, won’t, or can’t determine which men are genuine with their salute and which aren’t.  You roll your eyes when we speak but then you defame our character when we don’t. Please do us a favor and stop blowing hot and cold. It’s hard enough being a man as it is. We don’t need you to make life any more difficult for us. Save that for when you actually do respond to our flirtatious salaam with your phone number.

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Quote of the Week:  “A man must have very eminent qualities to hold his own without being polite.” –Jean de la Bruyere

The Warning Label for Love

Warning ALERTCan I be frank for a minute? I know, I know. Who the hell is Frank? ANYWAY, let me start by saying far be it from me to discourage anyone from entering into a union with the love of their life; or the love of their week; or the love of their night. The experience, alone, of sharing one love, one bank account (I can barely say this with a straight face), and having the privilege to bump pelvises any time you feel like it is worth every word of every mushy love poem that’s ever been written. I love love.  I love a lot of things about love. Not everything, but a lot. But one thing most people aren’t warned about is what they’re giving up or getting themselves into when they exit the world of bachelor/bacheloretteism. I feel it my duty to warn newly relationship-bound persons of the intensity of a fresh romantic amalgamation.

Think of this little list as a warning label for the pill either romantic party has to swallow when it comes high time to share the remote control. Someone may or may not thank me for this later.

  1. It’s no secret that [most] men don’t like to converse over the phone for extended periods of time. The reasons could be endless. This does not only apply to men. I know my share of women that aren’t into the phone (unfortunately I haven’t been lucky enough to date those women, but that’s a story for another time). It’s just very, very common among men. With this said, [fellas] when you decide to lock it down with a ball and chain or wife it up with a ring prize from the center of a cracker jack box, you can give up smoke signals, pigeon messengers, text messages, and/or two cups accompanied by extra long pieces of string. Once you’ve joined yourself at the hip with another, your rights to refuse a phone call are no longer yours. The moment you reject, avoid or accidentally throw your phone into an industrial paper shredder, you immediately open yourself up to suspicion and doubt.
  2. If you’ve ever or always considered yourself to be a private person – someone that revels in the delights and Debbie-downers of your own thoughts and emotions – you can give up control of your personal thoughts the moment you call someone your “boo.” When two people bun up with one another, someone eventually wants to talk intimately; know your thoughts; your inner most secret feelings. “What are your thinking?” is sometimes [and most often] a personal violation and is widely known as some bullshit called communication. No matter how hard you try, you can’t escape it. Communication isn’t all bad though. It’s only bothersome when someone forces you to discuss what you don’t want to share openly. In the words of the wise Michelle Tanner from the hit series FULL HOUSE – “How rude!”
  3. Ironically, the whole shift in communication (giving up text messages to talk on the phone; discussing your personal feelings) brings us to a total change in lifestyle. For example:
    • Having to consider someone else in any and all decisions. This isn’t so bad if you have kids. You’re used to considering other people in your actions/plans. But if you’re childless, you couldn’t give a rat’s ass about anyone else’s opinion regarding your decisions.
    • CAUTIONDrinking, smoking, cursing, mobile masturbation, salt, sugar and fried foods. In the blink of an eye your health, social and self-interaction is more of a concern to whomever you’re dating than it is you. It can easily be mistaken that your vices (for lack of a better word) are well enough to peak initial interest but not well enough to put a ring on it without modification. That’s some bullshit if I’ve ever heard any.
    • Having to show the same kind of concern for someone else’s problems when your own are more pressing to you can be difficult sometimes, however it’s necessary when you’re dating someone. This is called compassion, or the it’s not all about me syndrome. If you can’t do this genuinely, or even fake it well, you’ll quickly be branded as an asshole and become even more quickly single.
    • There is no longer a such thing as “ME” time.  All of your free “ME” time will be spent trying to figure out a non-assholish way of explaining why you don’t want to be bothered with anyone. This same thing (coming up with a convincing explanation) also applies to cuddle time. Let’s be real. Not everyone wants to have someone draped over them all the time. It’s good [especially] after sex, but in most cases when it’s time to go to sleep, the only thing you want blanketing you is a blanket. Nine times out of ten, you want the person pouring themselves on to you to get the phuck off. Go away. Sleep in the garage or something. Anything. This getoffofmeism is particularly common among those that sweat heavily.

Look. I’m not discouraging anyone from dating. In fact I’d encourage it as much as I can – even though this post could argue otherwise. The truth of the matter is there are quite a few people that get involved in relationships with no real knowledge of what comes with the prize, or in some cases, what’s given up for the prize. In the end though, if you’ve found your soul mate – that someone that makes your heart skip a beat (and you’re sure it isn’t heart burn, gas, or a heart attack); someone that makes you smile (and you’re sure walking into a glass door has nothing to do with anything); someone that you can’t live without or stop thinking about; when it all boils down, everything you give in return for love is well worth it. If you don’t believe me just ask any prostitute what he/she gives in return for love. Wait. Maybe that’s a bad analogy. Ahhh, who cares? You’ve been warned. Now go love in peace.

Hottywood’s HORRORscopes: Week of March 9-15, 2014

Find out what your luck has in store for you this week.

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Capricorn

December 22 – January 19

The next song you hear about an oil spill will really be about a vagina.

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Aquarius

January 20 – February 18

You will learn something new about three things: 1. Life 2. Love, and 3. Breaking & Entering.

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Pisces

February 19 – March 20

Good fortune will fall into your crotch after you’ve made a sizable donation to the CWNFITA (Children With No Feeling In Their Arms) Foundation.

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Aries

March 21 – April 19

An obvious lesbian will bring you good news.

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Taurus

April 20 – May 20

There is a time and place for needle nipples. Until then, put a shirt on before you put someone’s eye out with those things.

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Gemini

May 21 – June 20

Pizza and ice cream are well worth the diarrhea.

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Cancer

June 21 – July 22

Even a creepy freak can have good intentions every once in a while.

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Leo

July 23 – August 22

Some things aren’t meant for you to understand while others aren’t meant for you to care about.

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Virgo

August 23 – September 22

Instagram is Twitter for people who can’t read.

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Libra

September 23 – October 22

Beauty fades. Dumb is forever.

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Scorpio

October 23 – November 21

Everyone knows you aren’t losing weight because of exercise. You’re losing weight because of malnutrition.

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Sagittarius

November 22 – December 21

You are about as subtle as a garlic sandwich.

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Quote of the week:    “A man cannot ride you if your back isn’t bent.”