Find out what your luck has in store for you this week.
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Capricorn
December 22 – January 19
The next song you hear about an oil spill will really be about a vagina.
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Aquarius
January 20 – February 18
You will learn something new about three things: 1. Life 2. Love, and 3. Breaking & Entering.
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Pisces
February 19 – March 20
Good fortune will fall into your crotch after you’ve made a sizable donation to the CWNFITA (Children With No Feeling In Their Arms) Foundation.
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Aries
March 21 – April 19
An obvious lesbian will bring you good news.
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Taurus
April 20 – May 20
There is a time and place for needle nipples. Until then, put a shirt on before you put someone’s eye out with those things.
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Gemini
May 21 – June 20
Pizza and ice cream are well worth the diarrhea.
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Cancer
June 21 – July 22
Even a creepy freak can have good intentions every once in a while.
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Leo
July 23 – August 22
Some things aren’t meant for you to understand while others aren’t meant for you to care about.
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Virgo
August 23 – September 22
Instagram is Twitter for people who can’t read.
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Libra
September 23 – October 22
Beauty fades. Dumb is forever.
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Scorpio
October 23 – November 21
Everyone knows you aren’t losing weight because of exercise. You’re losing weight because of malnutrition.
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Sagittarius
November 22 – December 21
You are about as subtle as a garlic sandwich.
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Quote of the week: “A man cannot ride you if your back isn’t bent.”
