Find out what your luck has in store for you this week.

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Capricorn

December 22 – January 19

The next song you hear about an oil spill will really be about a vagina.

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Aquarius

January 20 – February 18

You will learn something new about three things: 1. Life 2. Love, and 3. Breaking & Entering.

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Pisces

February 19 – March 20

Good fortune will fall into your crotch after you’ve made a sizable donation to the CWNFITA (Children With No Feeling In Their Arms) Foundation.

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Aries

March 21 – April 19

An obvious lesbian will bring you good news.

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Taurus

April 20 – May 20

There is a time and place for needle nipples. Until then, put a shirt on before you put someone’s eye out with those things.

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Gemini

May 21 – June 20

Pizza and ice cream are well worth the diarrhea.

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Cancer

June 21 – July 22

Even a creepy freak can have good intentions every once in a while.

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Leo

July 23 – August 22

Some things aren’t meant for you to understand while others aren’t meant for you to care about.

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Virgo

August 23 – September 22

Instagram is Twitter for people who can’t read.

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Libra

September 23 – October 22

Beauty fades. Dumb is forever.

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Scorpio

October 23 – November 21

Everyone knows you aren’t losing weight because of exercise. You’re losing weight because of malnutrition.

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Sagittarius

November 22 – December 21

You are about as subtle as a garlic sandwich.

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Quote of the week:    “A man cannot ride you if your back isn’t bent.”