The Warning Label for Love

Warning ALERTCan I be frank for a minute? I know, I know. Who the hell is Frank? ANYWAY, let me start by saying far be it from me to discourage anyone from entering into a union with the love of their life; or the love of their week; or the love of their night. The experience, alone, of sharing one love, one bank account (I can barely say this with a straight face), and having the privilege to bump pelvises any time you feel like it is worth every word of every mushy love poem that’s ever been written. I love love.  I love a lot of things about love. Not everything, but a lot. But one thing most people aren’t warned about is what they’re giving up or getting themselves into when they exit the world of bachelor/bacheloretteism. I feel it my duty to warn newly relationship-bound persons of the intensity of a fresh romantic amalgamation.

Think of this little list as a warning label for the pill either romantic party has to swallow when it comes high time to share the remote control. Someone may or may not thank me for this later.

  1. It’s no secret that [most] men don’t like to converse over the phone for extended periods of time. The reasons could be endless. This does not only apply to men. I know my share of women that aren’t into the phone (unfortunately I haven’t been lucky enough to date those women, but that’s a story for another time). It’s just very, very common among men. With this said, [fellas] when you decide to lock it down with a ball and chain or wife it up with a ring prize from the center of a cracker jack box, you can give up smoke signals, pigeon messengers, text messages, and/or two cups accompanied by extra long pieces of string. Once you’ve joined yourself at the hip with another, your rights to refuse a phone call are no longer yours. The moment you reject, avoid or accidentally throw your phone into an industrial paper shredder, you immediately open yourself up to suspicion and doubt.
  2. If you’ve ever or always considered yourself to be a private person – someone that revels in the delights and Debbie-downers of your own thoughts and emotions – you can give up control of your personal thoughts the moment you call someone your “boo.” When two people bun up with one another, someone eventually wants to talk intimately; know your thoughts; your inner most secret feelings. “What are your thinking?” is sometimes [and most often] a personal violation and is widely known as some bullshit called communication. No matter how hard you try, you can’t escape it. Communication isn’t all bad though. It’s only bothersome when someone forces you to discuss what you don’t want to share openly. In the words of the wise Michelle Tanner from the hit series FULL HOUSE – “How rude!”
  3. Ironically, the whole shift in communication (giving up text messages to talk on the phone; discussing your personal feelings) brings us to a total change in lifestyle. For example:
    • Having to consider someone else in any and all decisions. This isn’t so bad if you have kids. You’re used to considering other people in your actions/plans. But if you’re childless, you couldn’t give a rat’s ass about anyone else’s opinion regarding your decisions.
    • CAUTIONDrinking, smoking, cursing, mobile masturbation, salt, sugar and fried foods. In the blink of an eye your health, social and self-interaction is more of a concern to whomever you’re dating than it is you. It can easily be mistaken that your vices (for lack of a better word) are well enough to peak initial interest but not well enough to put a ring on it without modification. That’s some bullshit if I’ve ever heard any.
    • Having to show the same kind of concern for someone else’s problems when your own are more pressing to you can be difficult sometimes, however it’s necessary when you’re dating someone. This is called compassion, or the it’s not all about me syndrome. If you can’t do this genuinely, or even fake it well, you’ll quickly be branded as an asshole and become even more quickly single.
    • There is no longer a such thing as “ME” time.  All of your free “ME” time will be spent trying to figure out a non-assholish way of explaining why you don’t want to be bothered with anyone. This same thing (coming up with a convincing explanation) also applies to cuddle time. Let’s be real. Not everyone wants to have someone draped over them all the time. It’s good [especially] after sex, but in most cases when it’s time to go to sleep, the only thing you want blanketing you is a blanket. Nine times out of ten, you want the person pouring themselves on to you to get the phuck off. Go away. Sleep in the garage or something. Anything. This getoffofmeism is particularly common among those that sweat heavily.

Look. I’m not discouraging anyone from dating. In fact I’d encourage it as much as I can – even though this post could argue otherwise. The truth of the matter is there are quite a few people that get involved in relationships with no real knowledge of what comes with the prize, or in some cases, what’s given up for the prize. In the end though, if you’ve found your soul mate – that someone that makes your heart skip a beat (and you’re sure it isn’t heart burn, gas, or a heart attack); someone that makes you smile (and you’re sure walking into a glass door has nothing to do with anything); someone that you can’t live without or stop thinking about; when it all boils down, everything you give in return for love is well worth it. If you don’t believe me just ask any prostitute what he/she gives in return for love. Wait. Maybe that’s a bad analogy. Ahhh, who cares? You’ve been warned. Now go love in peace.

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