Find out what your luck has in store for you this week.
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Capricorn
December 22 – January 19
There is a story in your future: Once upon a time your laundry made it to the front door. The end.
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Aquarius
January 20 – February 18
For 7 days, no matter how much you clean, every time you have company your bathroom toilet will have an ungodly bodily fluid filth on the inner edges of the [toilet] seat.
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Pisces
February 19 – March 20
What good is freedom if u can’t feel your nipples?
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Aries
March 21 – April 19
You’re not sure what’s going on today. Relax. It isn’t the end of the world because it’s not the first time you’ve been clueless about shit.
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Taurus
April 20 – May 20
Today you just might successfully recruit someone weird enough to scrape the dead skin from between your toes. This person will either be a friend for life or a serial killer with a foot fungus fetish.
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Gemini
May 21 – June 20
Develop your individuality by sleeping with any person willing to pay you $.50 for telling you how good you look in a pair of MC Hammer pants.
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Cancer
June 21 – July 22
Your overwhelming need to be needy is making someone feel a need to either punch you in the esophagus or drown themselves in a 24oz bottle of Deer Park water.
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Leo
July 23 – August 22
Put your elbows on your knees if you want to shit at ease.
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Virgo
August 23 – September 22
You need to feel a sense of accomplishment today; begin by lotioning the back of your neck.
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Libra
September 23 – October 22
You are likely to deal with an old person’s unexpected bladder eruption.
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Scorpio
October 23 – November 21
You can actually make a real difference by super gluing someone’s gym socks to a glass panel of a revolving door while they are still wearing those socks.
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Sagittarius
November 22 – December 21
Today is as good a day as any to French braid your pubic hair.
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Quote of the week: “What you see depends mainly on what you look for.”
