Hottywood’s HORRORscopes: Week of March 30-April 5, 2014

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Find out what your luck has in store for you this week.

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Capricorn

December 22 – January 19

If your pet is a giant penguin, keep it away from valuable bottles.

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Aquarius

January 20 – February 18

Everybody at the bottom crosses paths eventually.

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Pisces

February 19 – March 20

Necessity is the mother of invention…and anonymous sex.

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Aries

March 21 – April 19

Your next carryout experience will sort of remind you of a combination of morning breath and cigarettes.

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Taurus

April 20 – May 20

Don’t waste your quarters washing clothes this week. You’re going to need them for something else. Instead, wear your jeans, socks and underwear inside out and hope for the best.

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Gemini

May 21 – June 20

You’ll never be the man your sister is.

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Cancer

June 21 – July 22

This week you may be tough to figure out because you will answer all questions with a question while speaking with a Pig-Latin British-Arabian accent.

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Leo

July 23 – August 22

Some may think you strive to be a doormat, which means a lot of people will attempt to walk all over you. This does nothing for your character. What was your name again? Exactly.

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Virgo

August 23 – September 22

Applaud yourself every time you enter a room. Mostly likely no one else will.

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Libra

September 23 – October 22

“You say tomato”; “I say tomawto” is just someone’s way of not admitting they are wrong as hell. But tomawto isn’t just wrong, it’s also stupid.

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Scorpio

October 23 – November 21

You can’t help it. Sometimes you con yourself into things just to get through life.

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Sagittarius

November 22 – December 21

You are a total pain in the ass. You regulate your breathing and farting and color-coordinate your underwear drawer. Prepare to eat lunch alone.

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Quote of the week:    “Common sense is not so common.”

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