Hottywood’s HORRORscopes: Week of April 27 – May 3, 2014

Find out what your luck has in store for you this week.

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Capricorn

December 22 – January 19

Soon the time will come for you to relive your teenage acne years as an adult.

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Aquarius

January 20 – February 18

It says a lot about your character to have a turnstile entrance as a door for your bedroom.

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Pisces

February 19 – March 20

You rose from the sewer but now you’re the shit.

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Aries

March 21 – April 19

What’s worse than no money? No money and in debt.

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Taurus

April 20 – May 20

There’s one thing you should never willingly give up: bladder control.

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Gemini

May 21 – June 20

The brilliance of your eye is destroyed by the ignorance of your mouth.

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Cancer

June 21 – July 22

Boobs take precedence over conversation any day.

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Leo

July 23 – August 22

You can’t catch someone in the act if you don’t give them time to fuck up.

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Virgo

August 23 – September 22

When it comes to the light of inspiration, you are a regular bulb snatcher.

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Libra

September 23 – October 22

You are prone to play with your private parts a lot this week.

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Scorpio

October 23 – November 21

You are quick and intelligent when no one is around. Unfortunately everyone you know will bombard your personal space, which in turn will accent your public stupidity.

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Sagittarius

November 22 – December 21

The only person that will question your cheap ways will be a struggling prostitute. This looks like a normal week for you.

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Quote of the week:  “Your arrogance does not cause friction to hose who cannot spell the word.”  

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Get Over Yourself

Every now and then it’s necessary for someone to knock you off your high horse and tell you to get over yourself.

Admit it. You’ve at one time or another busted out of your seams because your ass was too big for your britches. Your outfit was right. Your shoes were blindingly white. Your hair was tight. And everyone was on your jock, right? WRONG! There are only two people up your ass the way you are; you and the person you’re f*cking that week. Other than that, outside of an occasional “you look nice TODAY,” no one gives a shit about the pedestal you stand on.

___If you think any and every situation and/or conversation (to include social media posts) are about you; if you are able to turn any and every situation and/or conversation into something about you, GET OVER YOURSELF. I”ll bet you any amount of money that you are the only person as interested in you as you are. Really. No one cares. Shut up.

___If you want to brag about a new promotion you’ve just received to someone that can’t get out of the mailroom, GET OVER YOURSELF. Your bragging is merely falling on deaf ears and will almost always get your shoes stolen in a CVS parking lot (everyone knows there’s a CVS next to every person’s place of employment, even if they work in a jungle. CVS’ are like churches and liquor stores. You can find one on every corner).

___If you think your sex is the best and everyone wants to f*ck you, GET OVER YOURSELF. You are doing nothing but making yourself out to be a horny little jack rag, and the only thing that will get you is a sexually transmitted disease. #SHIELDS!

___If you think you have the answer to everybody’s problems, GET OVER YOURSELF. Nobody likes a know-it-all and you’d be surprised at the number of people who couldn’t care less about what you think.

___If you think your personality is so much of a winner that everyone flocks to you, GET OVER YOURSELF. People like you are usually the ones other people call upon as a last resort. In actuality, your personality could almost be compared to a glass of unsweetened tea.

___If you think you’re too good to return phone calls, GET OVER YOURSELF. Someone probably drunk-dialed or butt-dialed your number anyway.

___If you think you can sing or rap better than any or all other fellow artists, GET OVER YOURSELF. Everyone is their own best audience when the shower curtain is closed.

___If you think you are the world’s greatest cook, GET OVER YOURSELF. I bet there are some babies over in Africa with kwashiorkor that wouldn’t eat that mess you serve on a plate.

I’m not telling you not to be proud of yourself. I’m not saying you shouldn’t be confident and think highly of yourself. What I’m telling you is that you shouldn’t expect everyone to push you to the front of the line simply because you think that’s where you belong. Really. No disrespect. It’s just natural that not everyone cares about you as much as you do.

In a word…or three…GET OVER YOURSELF.

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Quote of the Week:  “You think I’m being a bitch? Let me check my notes to see if I care. Nope. Not at all. Have a nice day.”  

Hottywood’s HORRORscopes: Week of April 13-19, 2014

Find out what your luck has in store for you this week.

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Capricorn

December 22 – January 19

Don’t let anyone come after your A like the letter B.

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Aquarius

January 20 – February 18

Never steal from anyone you can’t outrun.

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Pisces

February 19 – March 20

Your answer to everything should be, “Testosterone made me do it.” If you happen to be a woman, expect strange looks.

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Aries

March 21 – April 19

Today will be a good day for you. Your most violent activity will be stapling.

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Taurus

April 20 – May 20

Your excessive exercising will cause you to be unable to raise your arms above your waist. You will have to push all elevator buttons with your forehead.

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Gemini

May 21 – June 20

You can make a protest statement and show cleavage at the same time.

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Cancer

June 21 – July 22

You have but one physical requirement, and that is to digest vending machine food.

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Leo

July 23 – August 22

Viagra keeps a family together.

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Virgo

August 23 – September 22

Never trust a man that keeps a perm after perms have gone out of style.

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Libra

September 23 – October 22

Unfortunately you were born with a rare fundamental, genetically transmitted mental condition known to psychologists as: The Fear That If You Get Attached in a Relationship, Some Unattached Guy, Somewhere, Will Be Having More Fun Than You.

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Scorpio

October 23 – November 21

The climax of a typical evening for you, this week, will be watching an infomerical for Hair in a Spray Can while eating onion drip straight from the container.

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Sagittarius

November 22 – December 21

Sadly the only tool you know how to operate is a toenail clipper.

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Quote of the week:   “It’s cheaper to keep her.”

Why Sunglasses are as Important as Underwear

Over a period of history, dating back even to the 12th century (so I’ve been told. The 12th century is just a wee bit before my time), sunglasses have undergone quite a few changes in terms of functionality and appearance.

A MOMENT IN HISTORY

  • In the beginning, China witnessed the first occurrence of sunglasses, which were most commonly worn by the wealthy.
  • Later in the 18th century, sunglasses with vision correction were conceived by James Ayscough.
  • Sunglasses really took off in the 1920s, which was contributed by the prevalence of the film industry.
  • During the decades after the 1930s, sunglasses were widely accepted and has since maintained its popularity.

Traditional sunglasses were only expected to offer proper protection against UV rays and HEV radiation. Then came the innovation in sunwear style ( various shapes, sizes and colors).  Today, sunglasses have become more than just a popular accessory. They are in fact quite as important as underwear. You’re probably wondering where I’m going with this. It’s simple actually. We all wear underwear to cover our asses. That’s about the only reason I can come up with right now for wearing underwear, but when you think about it, the only reason we wear sunglasses is to cover our eyes, right? WRONG. There are actually a few more functionalities of sunglasses. They not only come in handy to protect eyes from UV rays, but they also come in handy when:


sleepy dog glassesYou’re sleepy.
Far be it from me to judge anyone that wears sunglasses indoors. Well actually not far be it from me. I’ll judge. People look crazy wearing sunglasses indoors but I never stopped to consider that maybe those crazy folks are wearing their sunglasses indoors because they were up all night doing sinful things and woke up the next morning looking like a zombie from an episode of the Walking Dead. Hell, if I looked like that I’d hide behind a pair of dark specs too. Shit. Maybe I need to put my sunglasses on because I feel like my forehead will formally and intimately introduce itself to this keyboard any minute now.

You’re hungover. You can’t tell me that you’ve never gone to work with a hangover. The lights are too loud. The fax machine is too loud. Your head is pounding too loudly. The color of your blood shot eyes are too loud. What better way to hide your disheveled face than behind a pair of your darkest lenses? Sure, everyone may still be able to smell the alcohol seeping out of your pores, but smelly pores never looked so good behind an obscure pair of specs.

You’re having a bad hair day. You have to admit that sometimes even your best outfit can’t hide those straggly strands. Your clothes are too far away from your head. It’s not enough of a distraction. And if you think your outfit won’t distract from your head, then you can forget about your shoes. Don’t waste your time on sky high heels or the whitest pair of kicks money can buy. Instead throw on the coolest shades you can find. They’re right on your face and everyone looking into your dome will be fascinated that you owned your messy look. No matter what you wear; no matter how bushy, nappy, curly or bald your hair is…whether your braids are too tight or half of your baby hair has fallen out on the bus, a nice pair of sunglasses ALWAYS looks good and pulls a look together. They make whatever style you’re rocking, good or bad, look as if you meant to do it. Your bad hair day, coupled with a nice pair of sunglasses instantly transforms your style into BAMA CHIC. Problem solved!

You’re covertly checking out someone’s boobs. Men do it. Women even do it. Everyone checks out boobs. In an attempt not to single out any one group [boob lovers], sunglasses are also used to check out someone’s pecs, butt, and pants prints. Checking out these body parts is usually inappropriate, no matter what situation you’re in. Sunglasses are necessary to hide your roaming eyes so someone doesn’t accidentally roam their fist into your face.

In the end, the aesthetical progression in the sunwear industry does not conflict with sunglasses’ functional dimensions. They marry quite well, actually. In today’s world you can get a great pair of sunglasses in all shapes, sizes, and colors. And no matter how ugly the glasses are, how bad your hair is, how wrinkled your clothes are, or how disheveled your face appears, if you throw on a pair of sunglasses you instantly look cool. Sunglasses aren’t just a fashion thing. They are a necessity and should be a staple in everyone’s wardrobe.

To me, sunglasses are like potato chips – I can’t have just one!  In fact, I have a pair for each voice in my head.

 

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Quote of the Week:  “With my sunglasses on, I’m Jack Nicholson. Without them, I’m fat and 60.” –Jack Nicholson

This Week on, “Ask Hottywood!”

Dear Hottywood,

I am a compulsive internet shopper. I’m not really that ashamed of it, at least not until I’ve run out of money to cover my essential bills and have to swallow my pride to borrow [money] from whomever will loan it to me. HELP! Are there some magic words you can chant to stop me from ordering my life away through PayPal?

Poor House Diva,

Dear Poor House Diva,

I want to have sympathy for you, but I too have been known to prioritize a cool overly priced neck tie over an electric bill. I do have some magic words that will help you though:

  • BANKRUPTCY/CHAPTER 11: Hope that outfit was worth your bus fare
  • DEBT: Bill collectors only say they’re your friend to lure you into their trap
  • NEGATIVE CREDIT HISTORY: You will never get a decent gubment job with bad credit
  • EMPTY REFRIDGERATOR : Your ass might be hungry but you’ll look good in your size -0 party dress
  • NO LIGHTS: You won’t be able to see what your new outfit looks like on you
  • HOMELESS: All dressed up and nowhere to go

Now what I want you to do is put your flyest outfit next to the image of any one of the magic words listed above and think about which is more important. If you choose that new must-have outfit over your priority finances, then you admit to yourself that you will be the best dressed woman in the poor house and your name, Poor House Diva, will have lived up to its reputation. Be careful though. Anyone that lives in the poor house has nothing to lose from stealing the items you bought after you’ve given up everything to have.

On the real, you should consider the following things:

SEEK THERAPY.  You need help! Just kidding…sorta. Cognitive behavioral therapy can encourage you to understand your actions and make you aware of the longer-term consequences (refer to the list above).

LOOK AT POSSIBLE MEDICATIONS. While studies on the effects of medications on compulsive shopping haven’t reached any hard-and-fast conclusions, anti-depressants or anti-anxiety medications are sometimes helpful. Getting laid all the time will also help to keep your mind occupied.

CHECK OUT 12-STEP PROGRAMS. Most towns and cities have Shoppers AnonymousDebtors Anonymous or Overspenders Anonymous programs that operate much like Alcoholics Anonymous. Be warned though. These 12-step programs may cause you to drink. Then you run the risk of a whole other problem on your hands.

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Quote of the Week:  “The comfort of the rich depends upon an abundant supply of the poor.”

The Top Most Annoying Questions People Will Ask in the Office

Help DeskIf you’ve ever worked in an office environment or currently work in one now, by now you’ve probably realized that your coworkers can say and do some pretty annoying things. For example, there’s the guy that will walk aaaaaallll the way down the hall to your desk, passed the mailbox/mail room, just to ask you to put something in the mail for him. There’s also the director/supervisor that will send you a 2 paged email that pretty much asks you to email the exact same information to someone else. These random acts of stupidity may not make sense to a normal person outside of the realm of 9-5, but in an office, this is ordinary behavior. There are some office workers that find offense to these acts, particularly workers that consider themselves to be low on the totem pole – aka office secretaries, interns, and/or general service officers.

Popular to contrary belief though, these behaviors aren’t what drive coworkers batty. What will drive you to curse, drink, quit or get fired because of instinctual reactions are the common questions associates ask their colleagues on a daily basis. Let’s go over a few, shall we?

Before we begin, it should be pointed out that every one of these questions can be answered with a simple, “Do you care?” however we’ll try to scratch a little deeper than the surface.

Most weeks in the office begin with two questions that’ll make you want to drive a Number 2 pencil either in your own skull or the skull of the person that asks: Am I disturbing you?” or “Are you busy?”

If it’s any time before 9am or after 2pm, then YES you are disturbing me. Most employees don’t care about life before 9am because they aren’t fully awake. It takes more concentration to motivate your body to operate on a corporate American schedule than one could possibly imagine. Don’t ask anyone if you are disturbing them before 9am. Instead, ask that question once they’ve finished their third cup of joe and have taken at least two a.m. dumps. By then the caffeine would have kicked in and their stomachs would have settled from all the shit bottled up inside them from the richness of the coffee’s creamer. Throw caution to asking anyone if you are disturbing them [any time] in the afternoon. Chances are they are full from lunch and the only thing they want to work on is concocting a way to catch some zzz’s on company time without you interrupting their train of mischievous thought. On that note, don’t even waste your time bothering to ask anyone at the office if they are busy. This, alone, is a dumb question. The conversation could go something like this:

THEM: “Are you busy?”

YOU: “Where am I? I’m at work. And what do I do at work? I work. So if I’m working, then I’m what? I’m busy. Also, if I’m busy then you are disturbing me.”

Another question that’s easy to make someone’s skin crawl is “Do you want to meet?”

Uh, no! Who in the hell actually wants to take time out of their busy schedule to meet about anything that doesn’t involve cake or wine?  Most meetings begin with a bunch of random, boring, useless small talk. The small talk usually begins with an interrogation of the activities or events of your weekend. First and foremost, your colleagues couldn’t care less about what you’ve done over the weekend. If anyone asks you about your weekend in fact, they are probably fishing for information or confirmation that you are not as perfect as you paint yourself to be from 9-5. The best answer to the weekend question is “Nothing,” “No more or less than you,” or “Mind your fukkin’ business.” If you go with the latter, I promise you’ll never be faced with this question again.

The best answer to the question, “Do you want to meet?” is “No. Not really. Not now. Not ever.” However no one in the working world has the balls to say no. Honestly I believe saying “no” is quite equivalent to saying, “I quit” or “I want you to fire me for not being a team player.” Having said this, we as a working society almost always answer this question with a plastic “yes,” while thinking to ourselves, “of course I’d like to stop what I’m doing to talk to you about something I’m not interested in. Need you ask?”

Oh gosh, I wish I could spell the look on my face right now!

Other questions that will annoy the hell out of you:

Did you listen to WTLK, the all talk radio station, this morning? – Sure. Because the one thing I want to do is listen to more strangers talk to me about shit I don’t know about, care about or understand BEFORE I endure the same torture in our morning staff meeting.

What do you think? – The most appropriate answer I can come up with is “I think I don’t care?” Since that answer is just about guaranteed to reduce your popularity credit, you can never go wrong with answering: “C” (C was always the right multiple choice answer in grade school) or “I agree with what he/she [the last person who spoke] said.”

When referring to one’s lunch: Ooh, what’s that? – It’s mine. That’s what it is.

Can I ask you a question? – You just did.

Can you change the fax or copier toner? – I could in my previous life as a flunky.

Knowing that every office has a stupid question staple, it really serves no purpose to get angry. You can either answer all questions truthfully and run the risk of getting fired, give up the politically correct office answer(s) or answer all questions with your facial expressions (otherwise known as a NONversation, a conversation with no words). How you deal with the stupid/annoying questions issue is up to you. But choose wisely and always keep in mind that there is no escaping the annoyances of office inquiries. Does this make sense? Oh snap. That’s another office question!

And on that note, I’m out!

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Quote of the Week:  “There are no stupid questions. Only stupid people that ask stupid questions.”

It’s Time to Let it Go

Even though we are well passed the New Year’s Resolution mark, it’s never too late to let go of some stuff in the current year. Specifically things that should have been let go of a long time ago, like that old toothbrush you may have had since you were 8 years old or a favorite polyester paisley-printed butterfly collar shirt that obviously should have been left somewhere in the 70s.

I, personally, am leaving behind the last hand print I planted on someone’s forehead for being so completely stupid. Smacking them in the forehead probably wasn’t the most sensitive thing to offer in celebration of one’s stupidity, but I received great pleasure in watching them get it. In that moment, the phrase “this is going to hurt me more than it will hurt you,” played absolutely no role in the situation (in fact there was no reason for me even writing this line. It just sounded good, so I’m probably going to let this statement go, too, which only adds emphasis to this post title). I’m sure my slapping them in the forehead hurt their head and pride much more than it did the palm of my hand. For that reason alone I’m going to leave the print in the past. Don’t worry though. I have many, many more palm prints to pass out to those in need.

Today I’d like to encourage folks to let of little things. Take a look at the list below.


ExpectationsIt’s time to let go of expectations.
If you don’t get what you expect, you’re disappointed. If you get exactly what you expect, [sometimes] you’re disappointed. It’s a damned if you do, damned if you don’t situation, so why bother? Let the shit go and hope for the best. No matter how things turn out you’ll be okay. You have no other choice, unless of course you choose not to be okay – in which case you’d be eligible for one of those stupidity dummy smacks to the forehead I have plenty of to share.

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bottom_heavyIt’s time to let go of butt implants, unless of course you look like this…then it’s all good.  Really it’s time to let go of implants all together. Instead appreciate what the good Lawd gave you. Appreciate what construction workers whistle at; what all men stare at; what you tell everyone to kiss. Nobody wants to kiss an ass full of silicone. Also, when you sit down, if you sit on an extra long, extra sharp sewing needle, your ass could explode and no doubt be more embarrassing and painful than messy. Stuffing pillows in your jeans, a little exercise, or getting butt-humped will resolve any issue you have with your flat ass.

Speaking of a little exercise, or the opposite actually…

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Whatever You WantIt’s time to let go of non-progressive dieting. If you are eating nothing but diet rice cakes and sugar-free this and gluten-free that and the only weight you’ve lost is in your nipples, then give it up and eat yourself into oblivion. You may be fat but at least you’ll be full and happy. Everyone needs to be comfortable in their own skin even if they have more skin than the next man to be comfortable in. Don’t get me wrong. I’m all about healthy living. In my world I consider heavy lifting equivalent to lifting your spork from the plate to your lips.

Speaking of exercising…

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It’s time to let go of lucky gym socks and underwear. You’d be surprised at the number of my friends that put on lucky gym socks or underwear in hopes of meeting the woman or man of their dreams while running through some unsafe, unlit jogger’s path. The only thing lucky about those socks and underwear is that no one can smell them through shoes or sweat pants. In actuality though, once those undergarments have been taken off, everyone on the left side of the planet can smell the sweat. And if you ask me, to stink is not so lucky. Let it go, take your cheap ass to somebody’s department store and buy your socks and drawers new. A new smell will get you laid before intrusive body sweat will.

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It’s time to let go of gas bubbles. Be honest with yourself and everyone around you. Everyone is full of shit. You may interpret that whatever way you deem necessary (insert “LOL” here). Instead of going into deep detail of why you should stop holding in your farts, I’ll simply say “It’s better to let it out and be ashamed than to hold it back and bust a vein.” Enough said. Point taken. Case Closed.

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I can go on and on with a list of things we need to let go of, but the truth is it’s lunch time and the last thing I’m going to do is let go of this succulent Philly cheese steak right now.

If I can reach or have reached at least one person out there with my suggestions of letting unnecessary stuff go, then I have served my purpose for the day. I would have managed to set someone free from the stress of holding on to something that is more detrimental than helpful. I also would have one more reason to say in full confidence, “Hottywood Helps!”

Now let me go finish eating.

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Quote of the Week:  “It’s better to let it out and be ashamed than to hold it back and bust a vein.”