Even though we are well passed the New Year’s Resolution mark, it’s never too late to let go of some stuff in the current year. Specifically things that should have been let go of a long time ago, like that old toothbrush you may have had since you were 8 years old or a favorite polyester paisley-printed butterfly collar shirt that obviously should have been left somewhere in the 70s.
I, personally, am leaving behind the last hand print I planted on someone’s forehead for being so completely stupid. Smacking them in the forehead probably wasn’t the most sensitive thing to offer in celebration of one’s stupidity, but I received great pleasure in watching them get it. In that moment, the phrase “this is going to hurt me more than it will hurt you,” played absolutely no role in the situation (in fact there was no reason for me even writing this line. It just sounded good, so I’m probably going to let this statement go, too, which only adds emphasis to this post title). I’m sure my slapping them in the forehead hurt their head and pride much more than it did the palm of my hand. For that reason alone I’m going to leave the print in the past. Don’t worry though. I have many, many more palm prints to pass out to those in need.
Today I’d like to encourage folks to let of little things. Take a look at the list below.
It’s time to let go of expectations. If you don’t get what you expect, you’re disappointed. If you get exactly what you expect, [sometimes] you’re disappointed. It’s a damned if you do, damned if you don’t situation, so why bother? Let the shit go and hope for the best. No matter how things turn out you’ll be okay. You have no other choice, unless of course you choose not to be okay – in which case you’d be eligible for one of those stupidity dummy smacks to the forehead I have plenty of to share.
It’s time to let go of butt implants, unless of course you look like this…then it’s all good. Really it’s time to let go of implants all together. Instead appreciate what the good Lawd gave you. Appreciate what construction workers whistle at; what all men stare at; what you tell everyone to kiss. Nobody wants to kiss an ass full of silicone. Also, when you sit down, if you sit on an extra long, extra sharp sewing needle, your ass could explode and no doubt be more embarrassing and painful than messy. Stuffing pillows in your jeans, a little exercise, or getting butt-humped will resolve any issue you have with your flat ass.
Speaking of a little exercise, or the opposite actually…
It’s time to let go of non-progressive dieting. If you are eating nothing but diet rice cakes and sugar-free this and gluten-free that and the only weight you’ve lost is in your nipples, then give it up and eat yourself into oblivion. You may be fat but at least you’ll be full and happy. Everyone needs to be comfortable in their own skin even if they have more skin than the next man to be comfortable in. Don’t get me wrong. I’m all about healthy living. In my world I consider heavy lifting equivalent to lifting your spork from the plate to your lips.
Speaking of exercising…
It’s time to let go of lucky gym socks and underwear. You’d be surprised at the number of my friends that put on lucky gym socks or underwear in hopes of meeting the woman or man of their dreams while running through some unsafe, unlit jogger’s path. The only thing lucky about those socks and underwear is that no one can smell them through shoes or sweat pants. In actuality though, once those undergarments have been taken off, everyone on the left side of the planet can smell the sweat. And if you ask me, to stink is not so lucky. Let it go, take your cheap ass to somebody’s department store and buy your socks and drawers new. A new smell will get you laid before intrusive body sweat will.
It’s time to let go of gas bubbles. Be honest with yourself and everyone around you. Everyone is full of shit. You may interpret that whatever way you deem necessary (insert “LOL” here). Instead of going into deep detail of why you should stop holding in your farts, I’ll simply say “It’s better to let it out and be ashamed than to hold it back and bust a vein.” Enough said. Point taken. Case Closed.
I can go on and on with a list of things we need to let go of, but the truth is it’s lunch time and the last thing I’m going to do is let go of this succulent Philly cheese steak right now.
If I can reach or have reached at least one person out there with my suggestions of letting unnecessary stuff go, then I have served my purpose for the day. I would have managed to set someone free from the stress of holding on to something that is more detrimental than helpful. I also would have one more reason to say in full confidence, “Hottywood Helps!”
Now let me go finish eating.
Quote of the Week: “It’s better to let it out and be ashamed than to hold it back and bust a vein.”