This Week on, “Ask Hottywood!”

Dear Hottywood,

I am a compulsive internet shopper. I’m not really that ashamed of it, at least not until I’ve run out of money to cover my essential bills and have to swallow my pride to borrow [money] from whomever will loan it to me. HELP! Are there some magic words you can chant to stop me from ordering my life away through PayPal?

Poor House Diva,

Dear Poor House Diva,

I want to have sympathy for you, but I too have been known to prioritize a cool overly priced neck tie over an electric bill. I do have some magic words that will help you though:

  • BANKRUPTCY/CHAPTER 11: Hope that outfit was worth your bus fare
  • DEBT: Bill collectors only say they’re your friend to lure you into their trap
  • NEGATIVE CREDIT HISTORY: You will never get a decent gubment job with bad credit
  • EMPTY REFRIDGERATOR : Your ass might be hungry but you’ll look good in your size -0 party dress
  • NO LIGHTS: You won’t be able to see what your new outfit looks like on you
  • HOMELESS: All dressed up and nowhere to go

Now what I want you to do is put your flyest outfit next to the image of any one of the magic words listed above and think about which is more important. If you choose that new must-have outfit over your priority finances, then you admit to yourself that you will be the best dressed woman in the poor house and your name, Poor House Diva, will have lived up to its reputation. Be careful though. Anyone that lives in the poor house has nothing to lose from stealing the items you bought after you’ve given up everything to have.

On the real, you should consider the following things:

SEEK THERAPY.  You need help! Just kidding…sorta. Cognitive behavioral therapy can encourage you to understand your actions and make you aware of the longer-term consequences (refer to the list above).

LOOK AT POSSIBLE MEDICATIONS. While studies on the effects of medications on compulsive shopping haven’t reached any hard-and-fast conclusions, anti-depressants or anti-anxiety medications are sometimes helpful. Getting laid all the time will also help to keep your mind occupied.

CHECK OUT 12-STEP PROGRAMS. Most towns and cities have Shoppers AnonymousDebtors Anonymous or Overspenders Anonymous programs that operate much like Alcoholics Anonymous. Be warned though. These 12-step programs may cause you to drink. Then you run the risk of a whole other problem on your hands.

_______________________________________________________________________________________________ 

Quote of the Week:  “The comfort of the rich depends upon an abundant supply of the poor.”

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