Find out what your luck has in store for you this week.

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Capricorn

December 22 – January 19

Don’t let anyone come after your A like the letter B.

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Aquarius

January 20 – February 18

Never steal from anyone you can’t outrun.

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Pisces

February 19 – March 20

Your answer to everything should be, “Testosterone made me do it.” If you happen to be a woman, expect strange looks.

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Aries

March 21 – April 19

Today will be a good day for you. Your most violent activity will be stapling.

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Taurus

April 20 – May 20

Your excessive exercising will cause you to be unable to raise your arms above your waist. You will have to push all elevator buttons with your forehead.

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Gemini

May 21 – June 20

You can make a protest statement and show cleavage at the same time.

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Cancer

June 21 – July 22

You have but one physical requirement, and that is to digest vending machine food.

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Leo

July 23 – August 22

Viagra keeps a family together.

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Virgo

August 23 – September 22

Never trust a man that keeps a perm after perms have gone out of style.

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Libra

September 23 – October 22

Unfortunately you were born with a rare fundamental, genetically transmitted mental condition known to psychologists as: The Fear That If You Get Attached in a Relationship, Some Unattached Guy, Somewhere, Will Be Having More Fun Than You.

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Scorpio

October 23 – November 21

The climax of a typical evening for you, this week, will be watching an infomerical for Hair in a Spray Can while eating onion drip straight from the container.

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Sagittarius

November 22 – December 21

Sadly the only tool you know how to operate is a toenail clipper.

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Quote of the week:   “It’s cheaper to keep her.”