Find out what your luck has in store for you this week.
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Capricorn
December 22 – January 19
Don’t let anyone come after your A like the letter B.
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Aquarius
January 20 – February 18
Never steal from anyone you can’t outrun.
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Pisces
February 19 – March 20
Your answer to everything should be, “Testosterone made me do it.” If you happen to be a woman, expect strange looks.
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Aries
March 21 – April 19
Today will be a good day for you. Your most violent activity will be stapling.
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Taurus
April 20 – May 20
Your excessive exercising will cause you to be unable to raise your arms above your waist. You will have to push all elevator buttons with your forehead.
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Gemini
May 21 – June 20
You can make a protest statement and show cleavage at the same time.
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Cancer
June 21 – July 22
You have but one physical requirement, and that is to digest vending machine food.
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Leo
July 23 – August 22
Viagra keeps a family together.
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Virgo
August 23 – September 22
Never trust a man that keeps a perm after perms have gone out of style.
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Libra
September 23 – October 22
Unfortunately you were born with a rare fundamental, genetically transmitted mental condition known to psychologists as: The Fear That If You Get Attached in a Relationship, Some Unattached Guy, Somewhere, Will Be Having More Fun Than You.
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Scorpio
October 23 – November 21
The climax of a typical evening for you, this week, will be watching an infomerical for Hair in a Spray Can while eating onion drip straight from the container.
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Sagittarius
November 22 – December 21
Sadly the only tool you know how to operate is a toenail clipper.
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Quote of the week: “It’s cheaper to keep her.”
