Find out what your luck has in store for you this week.

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Capricorn

December 22 – January 19

Soon the time will come for you to relive your teenage acne years as an adult.

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Aquarius

January 20 – February 18

It says a lot about your character to have a turnstile entrance as a door for your bedroom.

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Pisces

February 19 – March 20

You rose from the sewer but now you’re the shit.

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Aries

March 21 – April 19

What’s worse than no money? No money and in debt.

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Taurus

April 20 – May 20

There’s one thing you should never willingly give up: bladder control.

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Gemini

May 21 – June 20

The brilliance of your eye is destroyed by the ignorance of your mouth.

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Cancer

June 21 – July 22

Boobs take precedence over conversation any day.

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Leo

July 23 – August 22

You can’t catch someone in the act if you don’t give them time to fuck up.

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Virgo

August 23 – September 22

When it comes to the light of inspiration, you are a regular bulb snatcher.

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Libra

September 23 – October 22

You are prone to play with your private parts a lot this week.

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Scorpio

October 23 – November 21

You are quick and intelligent when no one is around. Unfortunately everyone you know will bombard your personal space, which in turn will accent your public stupidity.

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Sagittarius

November 22 – December 21

The only person that will question your cheap ways will be a struggling prostitute. This looks like a normal week for you.

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Quote of the week:  “Your arrogance does not cause friction to hose who cannot spell the word.”