Find out what your luck has in store for you this week.
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Capricorn
December 22 – January 19
Soon the time will come for you to relive your teenage acne years as an adult.
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Aquarius
January 20 – February 18
It says a lot about your character to have a turnstile entrance as a door for your bedroom.
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Pisces
February 19 – March 20
You rose from the sewer but now you’re the shit.
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Aries
March 21 – April 19
What’s worse than no money? No money and in debt.
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Taurus
April 20 – May 20
There’s one thing you should never willingly give up: bladder control.
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Gemini
May 21 – June 20
The brilliance of your eye is destroyed by the ignorance of your mouth.
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Cancer
June 21 – July 22
Boobs take precedence over conversation any day.
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Leo
July 23 – August 22
You can’t catch someone in the act if you don’t give them time to fuck up.
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Virgo
August 23 – September 22
When it comes to the light of inspiration, you are a regular bulb snatcher.
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Libra
September 23 – October 22
You are prone to play with your private parts a lot this week.
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Scorpio
October 23 – November 21
You are quick and intelligent when no one is around. Unfortunately everyone you know will bombard your personal space, which in turn will accent your public stupidity.
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Sagittarius
November 22 – December 21
The only person that will question your cheap ways will be a struggling prostitute. This looks like a normal week for you.
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Quote of the week: “Your arrogance does not cause friction to hose who cannot spell the word.”
