Hottywood’s HORRORscopes: Week of May 25-31, 2014

SeeThisComing

Find out what your luck has in store for you this week.

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Capricorn

December 22 – January 19

For any man, getting kicked in the balls is a reminder of what his voice sounded like when he was 9 years old.

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Aquarius

January 20 – February 18

Finding a one dollar bill in your jeans while doing laundry automatically changes your social status to a ‘dollarnaire.’

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Pisces

February 19 – March 20

You make people laugh; sometimes on purpose.

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Aries

March 21 – April 19

Everyone may not always agree with you. And you may not always care. But in the end, you’re usually always right; whether you’re right or wrong. This is exactly why everyone may not like agree with your ass.

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Taurus

April 20 – May 20

All you need is one more last time to get it wrong the first time again.

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Gemini

May 21 – June 20

Remember that strange little kid in the neighborhood who played kickball with a full team of only himself and his imaginary friend? Yeah, he’s still looking at you in the mirror and holds a grudge towards you for always picking him last. This is probably why you drink.

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Cancer

June 21 – July 22

You are allowed to smell the foot of a high kicking midget sumo wrestler, but only this once.

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Leo

July 23 – August 22

Someone is searching for that perfect person and you are not it!

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Virgo

August 23 – September 22

You will seek and find a spiritual union by feeding pigeons to a water moccasin.

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Libra

September 23 – October 22

On rare occasions, you are willing to leave behind a trail of innocent victims for the sake of a cold cup of red kool-aid.

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Scorpio

October 23 – November 21

You are an emotional vampire sometimes known for slowly smothering every speck of free space and independent thought from all those around you. Who wouldn’t want to be your friend? Oh that’s right… no one!

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Sagittarius

November 22 – December 21

To you, “commitment” is synonymous with “prison” and you would rather welcome a hardy drilling of your teeth, sans anesthesia, than commit to anything that doesn’t involve a sticky pad, some pre-chewed bubble gum and a pack of barbequed sunflower seeds.

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Quote of the week:    “Compromise makes a good umbrella, but a poor roof.”

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Hottywood’s HORRORscopes: Week of May 18-24, 2014

BAD ADVICE

Find out what your luck has in store for you this week.

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Capricorn

December 22 – January 19

You can put someone at ease with a few harsh curse words. They can put you at ease with a few harsh head-butts.

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Aquarius

January 20 – February 18

This is a good day to keep business and pleasure as far apart as possible. That means you should not spend any money on hookers or weed.

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Pisces

February 19 – March 20

You are wrong about absolutely everything except the things you are right about.

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Aries

March 21 – April 19

You may learn a few important lessons from someone a thousand times more important than you. Once you nurse your bruised ego, you’ll appreciate more…aw, who are we kidding? No you won’t.

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Taurus

April 20 – May 20

You’ve made enough assumptions to be able to spell the word “ASS” with your eyes closed.  Although if you can’t spell the word “ASS,” then you’re an ass.

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Gemini

May 21 – June 20

On a scale of 1 to fucked, you are screwed.

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Cancer

June 21 – July 22

You need a toilet that will flush everything the first time.

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Leo

July 23 – August 22

Never say you will only walk down the aisle one time. The women’s personal aisle at any CVS will prove you wrong every time.

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Virgo

August 23 – September 22

Your butt cheeks are big enough to store acorns for an entire winter.

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Libra

September 23 – October 22

You may find a large amount of nasal hair to be surprisingly sexy.

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Scorpio

October 23 – November 21

It’s usually not a good idea to store meat in your armpit, but this week you will find an appropriate occasion to do just that.

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Sagittarius

November 22 – December 21

You’ll get far in life if you follow these simple rules: Shut. The hell. Up.

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Quote of the week:    “Don’t argue with a designated driver.”

What if Suburbanites Took Over DC’s Green Line Metro

DC METROIf you’re a native of Washington DC, then chances are you are familiar with the shenanigans of metro’s GREEN line. For those of you that are unfamiliar with Washington’s metro system, specifically the GREEN line, it isn’t a fun place to visit and you sure as hell wouldn’t want to live there. You wouldn’t survive the wretchedness.

On a given day, you’re likely to see little urban school kids passing a blunt, while not offering any puff-puff passes to potheads they know not; women fighting and ripping weave out of each other’s eyebrows while their children throw dice from their strollers, placing bets on which one of their mothers will win the brawl (aw crap[s]); or panhandlers begging for enough pennies to buy a sandwich laced with coke. I could go on. No really. I could go on AND ON AND ON.

Metro’s GREEN line is a ratchet1 staple for the urban community – metro riders with no wings, horses, bikes, cars, or nerve to highjack anyone else for their wings, horses, bikes or cars. But what would happen if the tables were turned and the urban community metro riders felt unsafe if their suburbanite counterparts wore their asses on their sleeves?

METRO FIGHTHow would urban commuters respond if their opposites boarded a train blasting heavy metal through the speakers of a flip phone? Or drink their Starbucks coffees from an Old English beer bottle…better yet, from a 40oz Steele Reserve 211 bottle? Or cursed boisterously out loud in complete sentences, enunciating every profane word? Or sing the theme song of the Facts of Life while using intrusively dangerous hand gestures? Or board the train with their baby strollers tricked out with hydraulics? Or fling their non-weaves, or as it’s referred to in the suburbanite community – extensions – only to release dandruff flakes or other unidentified hair particles? Or throw their jogging shoes over their shoulders after running a hundred miles in the same muddy puddles puppies pee in, boarding the train with no shoes, socks or crossbows to pass out to other riders so they can bulls eye a couple of smelly toes?

The answers to these questions are simple. They wouldn’t do that dumb shit! And neither should anyone else, no matter what ethnicity you hail from. The metro rail system, even the ghetto GREEN line, should be a cost effective commuter rail (if you could see my face you’d see I can barely say this without bursting into laughter. There’s nothing cost effective about the Washington DC’s metro rail system) where riders can be late to work in peace and where husbands and wives can secretly meet up with their f*ck buddies for lunch time quickies or whatever you want to call it so their spouse(s) wouldn’t know any better. It’s not (or shouldn’t be) a system for inconsiderate Earthlings to impose their vices on others, yet that is exactly what it is.

Instead of closing out this post with some profound conclusion, I’m just going to say if you’re in the DC area for any reason and you need to catch the GREEN line to say, a baseball game – walk. You may get some serious blisters on your feet; they may even fall off; but it would be safer than risking your life on the GREEN line. Trust me. I know. I died a few times on that line. I’m only around to tell the story because the world isn’t ready to lose me just yet. Either that or I’m too stubborn to die.

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1 Ratchet (According to UrbanDictionary.com) – A diva, mostly from urban cities and ghettos, that has reason to believe she is every man’s eye candy. Unfortunately, she’s wrong.

Typical signs to beware of include, but are not limited to:

___BLARES anything by Drake, 2Chainz, Nicki Minaj, Gucci Mane, Waka Flocka, Lil Wayne, T-Pain, Cali Swag District, or any other garbage entertainment rapper ___rowdily quotes “lyrics” from aforementioned artists ___has a weave reminiscent of a bird’s nest after a tempest hit the tree it was in, and is dyed at least thrice ___wears torn leggings/stalkings (mostly of the fishnet variety), unpolished 8″ heels (or higher, depending on how God-awful they look), fitted jean jackets (to accent the blubber ’round their arms and stomach), and 4 layers of caked on make-up to go clubbing ___repeatedly use ludicrous terms such as “YOLO”, “swag”, “boost”, “beaking”, “doe”, “really”, “naw”, “actually”, “twerk”, “coaster”, “dagga”, etc., to make a valid statement when they speak ___have side bangs, despite having incredibly small-ass foreheads to support them ___are commonly overweight and ___are mind-numbingly stupid; a safe assumption to make would be saying they’re uneducated (as if they could pass the 4th grade)

 

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Cheat Sheet to Understanding Men: Pay Attention. You May Learn Something

MAN RULESAt last! Some genius guy has taken the time to write all this down. FINALLY the guys’ side of the story. (…and I MUST ADMIT, IT’S PRETTY GOOD.)

We always hear ‘THE RULES’ from the females’ side. Now here are the ‘THE RULES’ from the males’ side.

PLEASE NOTE: THESE ARE ALL NUMBERED #1 ON PURPOSE!

1.  MEN ARE NOT MIND READERS.

1.  LEARN TO WORK THE TOILET SEAT. YOU’RE A BIG GIRL. IF IT’S UP, PUT IT DOWN. WE NEED IT UP, YOU NEED IT DOWN. YOU DON’T HEAR US COMPLAINING ABOUT YOU LEAVING IT DOWN.

1.  CRYING IS BLACKMAIL.

1.   ASK FOR WHAT YOU WANT. LET US BE CLEAR ON THIS ONE:

SUBTLE HINTS DO NOT WORK!
STRONG HINTS DO NOT WORK!
OBVIOUS HINTS DO NOT WORK!
JUST SAY IT!

1.  YES AND NO ARE PERFECTLY ACCEPTABLE ANSWERS TO ALMOST EVERY QUESTION.

1.  COME TO US WITH A PROBLEM ONLY IF YOU WANT HELP SOLVING IT. THAT’S WHAT WE DO. SYMPATHY IS WHAT YOUR GIRLFRIENDS ARE FOR.

1.  ANYTHING WE SAID 6 MONTHS AGO IS INADMISSIBLE IN AN ARGUMENT. IN FACT, ALL COMMENTS BECOME NULL AND VOID AFTER 7 DAYS.

1.  IF YOU THINK YOU’RE FAT, YOU PROBABLY ARE. DON’T ASK US.

1.  IF SOMETHING WE SAID CAN BE INTERPRETED TWO WAYS AND ONE OF THE WAYS MAKES YOU SAD OR ANGRY, WE MEANT THE OTHER ONE.

1.  YOU CAN EITHER ASK US TO DO SOMETHING OR TELL US HOW YOU WANT IT DONE. NOT BOTH. IF YOU ALREADY KNOW BEST HOW TO DO IT, JUST DO IT YOURSELF.

1.  WHENEVER POSSIBLE, PLEASE SAY WHATEVER YOU HAVE TO SAY DURING COMMERCIALS.

1.  CHRISTOPHER COLUMBUS DID NOT NEED DIRECTIONS AND NEITHER DO WE…

1.  ALL MEN SEE IN ONLY 16 COLORS, LIKE WINDOWS DEFAULT SETTINGS. PEACH, FOR EXAMPLE, IS A FRUIT, NOT A COLOR. PUMPKIN IS ALSO A FRUIT. WE HAVE NO IDEA WHAT MAUVE IS.

1.  IF WE ASK WHAT IS WRONG AND YOU SAY ‘NOTHING,’ WE WILL ACT LIKE NOTHING’S WRONG. WE KNOW YOU ARE LYING, BUT IT IS JUST NOT WORTH THE HASSLE.

1.  IF YOU ASK A QUESTION YOU DON’T WANT AN ANSWER TO, EXPECT AN ANSWER YOU DON’T WANT TO HEAR.

1.  WHEN WE HAVE TO GO SOMEWHERE, ABSOLUTELY ANYTHING YOU WEAR IS FINE…REALLY.

1.  DON’T ASK US WHAT WE’RE THINKING ABOUT UNLESS YOU ARE PREPARED TO DISCUSS SUCH TOPICS AS FOOTBALL OR MOTOR SPORTS.

1.  YOU HAVE ENOUGH CLOTHES.

1.  YOU HAVE TOO MANY SHOES.

1.  I AM IN SHAPE. ROUND IS A SHAPE!

1.  THANK YOU FOR READING THIS. YES, I KNOW, I HAVE TO SLEEP ON THE COUCH TONIGHT. BUT DID YOU KNOW MEN REALLY DON’T MIND THAT? IT’S LIKE CAMPING.

Pass this on to as many men as you can – to give them a laugh AND SOME HOPE.

Pass this on to as many women as you can – to give them an even bigger laugh, and also because this list couldn’t be any more true!