Find out what your luck has in store for you this week.

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Capricorn

December 22 – January 19

You can put someone at ease with a few harsh curse words. They can put you at ease with a few harsh head-butts.

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Aquarius

January 20 – February 18

This is a good day to keep business and pleasure as far apart as possible. That means you should not spend any money on hookers or weed.

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Pisces

February 19 – March 20

You are wrong about absolutely everything except the things you are right about.

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Aries

March 21 – April 19

You may learn a few important lessons from someone a thousand times more important than you. Once you nurse your bruised ego, you’ll appreciate more…aw, who are we kidding? No you won’t.

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Taurus

April 20 – May 20

You’ve made enough assumptions to be able to spell the word “ASS” with your eyes closed.  Although if you can’t spell the word “ASS,” then you’re an ass.

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Gemini

May 21 – June 20

On a scale of 1 to fucked, you are screwed.

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Cancer

June 21 – July 22

You need a toilet that will flush everything the first time.

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Leo

July 23 – August 22

Never say you will only walk down the aisle one time. The women’s personal aisle at any CVS will prove you wrong every time.

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Virgo

August 23 – September 22

Your butt cheeks are big enough to store acorns for an entire winter.

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Libra

September 23 – October 22

You may find a large amount of nasal hair to be surprisingly sexy.

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Scorpio

October 23 – November 21

It’s usually not a good idea to store meat in your armpit, but this week you will find an appropriate occasion to do just that.

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Sagittarius

November 22 – December 21

You’ll get far in life if you follow these simple rules: Shut. The hell. Up.

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Quote of the week:    “Don’t argue with a designated driver.”