Find out what your luck has in store for you this week.
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Capricorn
December 22 – January 19
You can put someone at ease with a few harsh curse words. They can put you at ease with a few harsh head-butts.
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Aquarius
January 20 – February 18
This is a good day to keep business and pleasure as far apart as possible. That means you should not spend any money on hookers or weed.
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Pisces
February 19 – March 20
You are wrong about absolutely everything except the things you are right about.
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Aries
March 21 – April 19
You may learn a few important lessons from someone a thousand times more important than you. Once you nurse your bruised ego, you’ll appreciate more…aw, who are we kidding? No you won’t.
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Taurus
April 20 – May 20
You’ve made enough assumptions to be able to spell the word “ASS” with your eyes closed. Although if you can’t spell the word “ASS,” then you’re an ass.
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Gemini
May 21 – June 20
On a scale of 1 to fucked, you are screwed.
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Cancer
June 21 – July 22
You need a toilet that will flush everything the first time.
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Leo
July 23 – August 22
Never say you will only walk down the aisle one time. The women’s personal aisle at any CVS will prove you wrong every time.
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Virgo
August 23 – September 22
Your butt cheeks are big enough to store acorns for an entire winter.
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Libra
September 23 – October 22
You may find a large amount of nasal hair to be surprisingly sexy.
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Scorpio
October 23 – November 21
It’s usually not a good idea to store meat in your armpit, but this week you will find an appropriate occasion to do just that.
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Sagittarius
November 22 – December 21
You’ll get far in life if you follow these simple rules: Shut. The hell. Up.
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Quote of the week: “Don’t argue with a designated driver.”
