Find out what your luck has in store for you this week.
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Capricorn
December 22 – January 19
For any man, getting kicked in the balls is a reminder of what his voice sounded like when he was 9 years old.
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Aquarius
January 20 – February 18
Finding a one dollar bill in your jeans while doing laundry automatically changes your social status to a ‘dollarnaire.’
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Pisces
February 19 – March 20
You make people laugh; sometimes on purpose.
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Aries
March 21 – April 19
Everyone may not always agree with you. And you may not always care. But in the end, you’re usually always right; whether you’re right or wrong. This is exactly why everyone may not like agree with your ass.
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Taurus
April 20 – May 20
All you need is one more last time to get it wrong the first time again.
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Gemini
May 21 – June 20
Remember that strange little kid in the neighborhood who played kickball with a full team of only himself and his imaginary friend? Yeah, he’s still looking at you in the mirror and holds a grudge towards you for always picking him last. This is probably why you drink.
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Cancer
June 21 – July 22
You are allowed to smell the foot of a high kicking midget sumo wrestler, but only this once.
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Leo
July 23 – August 22
Someone is searching for that perfect person and you are not it!
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Virgo
August 23 – September 22
You will seek and find a spiritual union by feeding pigeons to a water moccasin.
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Libra
September 23 – October 22
On rare occasions, you are willing to leave behind a trail of innocent victims for the sake of a cold cup of red kool-aid.
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Scorpio
October 23 – November 21
You are an emotional vampire sometimes known for slowly smothering every speck of free space and independent thought from all those around you. Who wouldn’t want to be your friend? Oh that’s right… no one!
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Sagittarius
November 22 – December 21
To you, “commitment” is synonymous with “prison” and you would rather welcome a hardy drilling of your teeth, sans anesthesia, than commit to anything that doesn’t involve a sticky pad, some pre-chewed bubble gum and a pack of barbequed sunflower seeds.
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Quote of the week: “Compromise makes a good umbrella, but a poor roof.”
