Find out what your luck has in store for you this week.

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Capricorn

December 22 – January 19

For any man, getting kicked in the balls is a reminder of what his voice sounded like when he was 9 years old.

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Aquarius

January 20 – February 18

Finding a one dollar bill in your jeans while doing laundry automatically changes your social status to a ‘dollarnaire.’

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Pisces

February 19 – March 20

You make people laugh; sometimes on purpose.

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Aries

March 21 – April 19

Everyone may not always agree with you. And you may not always care. But in the end, you’re usually always right; whether you’re right or wrong. This is exactly why everyone may not like agree with your ass.

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Taurus

April 20 – May 20

All you need is one more last time to get it wrong the first time again.

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Gemini

May 21 – June 20

Remember that strange little kid in the neighborhood who played kickball with a full team of only himself and his imaginary friend? Yeah, he’s still looking at you in the mirror and holds a grudge towards you for always picking him last. This is probably why you drink.

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Cancer

June 21 – July 22

You are allowed to smell the foot of a high kicking midget sumo wrestler, but only this once.

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Leo

July 23 – August 22

Someone is searching for that perfect person and you are not it!

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Virgo

August 23 – September 22

You will seek and find a spiritual union by feeding pigeons to a water moccasin.

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Libra

September 23 – October 22

On rare occasions, you are willing to leave behind a trail of innocent victims for the sake of a cold cup of red kool-aid.

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Scorpio

October 23 – November 21

You are an emotional vampire sometimes known for slowly smothering every speck of free space and independent thought from all those around you. Who wouldn’t want to be your friend? Oh that’s right… no one!

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Sagittarius

November 22 – December 21

To you, “commitment” is synonymous with “prison” and you would rather welcome a hardy drilling of your teeth, sans anesthesia, than commit to anything that doesn’t involve a sticky pad, some pre-chewed bubble gum and a pack of barbequed sunflower seeds.

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Quote of the week:    “Compromise makes a good umbrella, but a poor roof.”