Hottywood’s HORRORscopes: Week of June 29-July 5, 2014

Find out what’s in the cards for you this week.

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Capricorn

December 22 – January 19

Working from 8 to 5 and playing from 7 to 4 leaves you with just enough time to fill those bags under your eyes.

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Aquarius

January 20 – February 18

If you’re lucky, you may see Elvis Presley buying C batteries at a 24 hour Walgreen’s.

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Pisces

February 19 – March 20

Waiting for a ship at the airport will make perfect sense if you smoke an ounce of weed and drink two beers first.

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Aries

March 21 – April 19

Nothing says revenge like 50,000 rotten eggs and a chainsaw.

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Taurus

April 20 – May 20

Your butt is so big you will enter all rooms doggy style.

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Gemini

May 21 – June 20

You may know the difference between right and wrong but you struggle with the difference between right and left.

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Cancer

June 21 – July 22

If Scope fails, gargle with cologne.

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Leo

July 23 – August 22

How you reorder your priorities will matter a great deal after you’ve been fired.

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Virgo

August 23 – September 22

You’re sure to get inspiration from old Vanessa Del Rio movies.

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Libra

September 23 – October 22

A childhood memory reminds you that you are deathly afraid of grown men dressed as hot dogs.

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Scorpio

October 23 – November 21

You’re eager to show someone the ropes. And by “ropes,” I mean your private parts.

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Sagittarius

November 22 – December 21

You’ve been taking shortcuts lately. All that will stop after you’ve been greeted by a family of renegade doberman pinschers.

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Quote of the week:    “A deaf husband and a blind wife are the perfect happy couple.”

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Life without Cell Phones: The Story of Matty Flitterflugen

Pay PhoneOnce upon a time there was actually life before cell phones. I know it may be hard for anyone born after 1984 to believe, but there was.  In my opinion, those were the good old days. Well, let me be honest. It depends on what day of the week you ask my opinion on this. Personally, I like cell phones because I can reject a call, add that call to a call block list, and send out text messages instead of indulging in a conversation that takes up more time than the conversation is worth. …but that’s just me.

Imagine if life continued today without the use of cell phones. Heavens to betsy! What would we do? How could we as a world function without the use of cell phones? Well I’m glad you asked. Sit down for a spell and let me see if I can paint a picture for you.

Matty Flitterflugen, a 21 year old armpit sniffer woke up in what one would consider a modern day nightmare. Poor boo thang woke up in a world without cell phones. GASP! As she wandered the streets perplexed, she noticed boxes on every corner with what appeared to be phones installed in them, only functional with the use of $.25 coins. “What in the world?” she thought to herself. “I have to call someone and tell them about this!”

Matty reached deep into her overpriced knock off Michael KorKs bag, searching vigorously for her cell phone. What she pulled out confused her almost as much as the pay phones she’d seen splattered on every corner.

“A pad and pencil?” she questioned aloud. “What the hell am I supposed to do with this?”

She attempted to write down her witnessing on the scribble pad, unsuccessfully ignoring the blisters on her fingers caused by the writing she was ever so not used to. Still, she managed to jot down the words:

MA, CAN YOU BELIEVE THIS? THERE IS THING ON EVERY CORNER THAT RESEMBLES A PHONE. YOU ACTUALLY HAVE TO PAY TO USE IT. WHAT IS HAPPENING? WHERE AM I? WHERE ARE YOU?

PigeonsUpon completion of the note, she found herself dealing with another problem. How was she going to deliver this message to her mother?  Scratching her chin, she became flustered with worry and frustration, when out of nowhere a seemingly trained pigeon landed at her feet carrying a mailman’s messenger bag.

“A pigeon?!” she exclaimed.

“Not just a pigeon.” the bird responded. “A messenger pigeon, at your service me’lady.”

As if things weren’t wonky enough, this Thanksgiving meal reject was actually speaking to her. If she didn’t think she was crazy before, she was questioning her sanity now.

The pigeon reached out its wing, enthusiastically awaiting Matty to hand the note over so that it may fly to its intended destination. Matty looked in the sky and saw it was filled with pigeons carrying heavy messenger bags. Her discovery was soon blinded by a load of bird shit that fell in her eyes, burning them on touch. The irritation disgusted her, not to mention the smell.  She ran for cover as bird shit dropped from the heavens like a tropical thunder storm. Cars were covered in the excrement and the streets became slippery, making her not-so-stealthy escape even more un-stealthy as you can imagine.

“There has to be another way. I can’t be in a world without cell phones.” She cried as she ran in search for cover, sneezing uncontrollably, instantly reminded she was allergic to both pigeons and bird shit. She knew there could be no way her mother would receive her message with all of the pigeons that polluted the air. The confusion of the winged mailmen…uh, mailbirds… confused her even more. They had to confuse each other equally as much. How would she reach her mother? How would she reach anyone? Then it came to her – a SMOKE SIGNAL!

Matty dove under a tree (perhaps the dumbest place she could dive considering trees were the pigeons’ high rise apartment complex) and picked up two sticks. In a frantic panic, she rubbed the sticks together until they burst into flames, sending black smoke to the air, killing some of the pigeons. Fallen BirdThere were, however, two problems she faced. She didn’t know how to send or control smoke signals, nor prevent the trees from burning down, which is exactly what happened. A strong gust of wind, no doubt from the pigeons’ flapping wings (or those pigeons falling to their deaths), carried the blaze throughout the neighborhood until the flames molested one tree after another, leaving the streets covered in ash and debris.

She knew she had somehow made matters worse and had become devastated with guilt. “I have to find a fire station. But how?” she thought to herself. That’s when a man clad in a blue suit galloped by on the back of a North American llama. The guy made a weird siren sound with his mouth, no less weirder than streets filled with [bird] shit stains or a sky full of scavengers carrying over-the-shoulder book bags.

“Excuse me, sir…” Matty addressed the gentleman. “I need to find a fireman. Can you give me a lift to the nearest fire station?”

“I am a fireman, ma’am. I would ask you ‘what seems to be the problem,’ but I think I have an idea of what the problem is. OH SHIT!” The gentleman’s untimely chivalry was interrupted by an angry mob carrying pitch forks and celery sticks.

“If you’ll excuse me ma’am, I have to run. That mob heading this way is a gang of fast food franchise owners on the prowl for llama meat. They want to collect my ride, dismember it and serve it on their $1 menu(s). I have to go. NOW. GITTY UP!” And with his final command, he rode off into the burning neighborhood, leaving Matty alone to sweat and cry and worry, still with no delivered message and no closer to a fire station.

Ladies and gentleman, if we existed in a world today without cell phones, all of our names would be Matty Flitterflugen, and we’d all be up shit’s creek with a bunch of dead birds and ash in our hair.

Hottywood’s HORRORscopes: Week of June 22-28, 2014

Find out what’s in the cards for you this week.

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Capricorn

December 22 – January 19

Bribery succeeds where bullshit fails.

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Aquarius

January 20 – February 18

All you need is food, air, and sex to survive. And maybe a whoopie cushion.

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Pisces

February 19 – March 20

Someone finds out you put one little GPS tracker under their car and suddenly they’re all, “ooh, I can’t trust you.”

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Aries

March 21 – April 19

Something strange is afoot today. Tomorrow that something strange will be abutt.

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Taurus

April 20 – May 20

Every time you interrupt someone, you lose 30 seconds of your sex drive.

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Gemini

May 21 – June 20

Never trust a guy that keeps his maid locked in the bathroom.

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Cancer

June 21 – July 22

Your shoes and hands are the first things people look at when they see you. Don’t let your fingernails look as if you’ve been working on cars all day.

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Leo

July 23 – August 22

These days, $100 won’t buy you $20.

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Virgo

August 23 – September 22

Do not be embarrassed because your skin is a fun color and you wear stupid clothes.

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Libra

September 23 – October 22

If you are ashamed of anything you did this weekend, you had a good weekend.

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Scorpio

October 23 – November 21

Friends are few and far between. Cheeseburgers are not.

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Sagittarius

November 22 – December 21

You have less wrinkles in your forehead. Someone got laid last night.

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Quote of the week:    “In order to win a battle, one must first believe in the success of the mission.”

This Week on, “Ask Hottywood!”

CLICK HERE to leave a question for Hottywood.

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Dear Hottywood,

My last office meeting was so boring I dozed off without realizing it. My boss decided to teach me a lesson by asking me my opinion on the meeting’s topic, which unsurprisingly I didn’t know. I fell asleep before learning what the meeting was about. My question to you is how do I fake an answer to a question, specifically in an office meeting?

Poor Evaluation

Dear Poor Evaluation,

WHATFaking an answer to a question is easy if you know how to bullshit. However not everyone is a master of the art of BS.

If you’re in a meeting and there is a round-robin in motion (each member of the group is required to give a monologue on the topic of discussion), simply agree with what the last person said. If there is no round robin in play and someone asks your opinion, tell the person that asks you the question that they’ve covered the topic thoroughly and that you couldn’t have explained it better yourself.  After your swift word play, continue on by changing the subject. Somehow relate your changed subject to anything work-related. Because what you may say may not make sense, be sure to speak quickly and don’t stop to take breaths. The trick is to confuse whoever is listening to you to the point where they have absolutely no idea what the hell you are talking about. Ask a lot of rhetorical questions and put someone else on the spot. As soon as you trick someone else into speaking, ask questions about the answers they’ve given. If you can, involve the entire group in the discussion, and once everyone is consumed in conversation, make a stealthy exit to the nearest bathroom, break room, cafeteria, or bus stop. It doesn’t matter where you go as long as you get your ass out of the room before someone realizes that with all that talking you did, you didn’t actually say anything.  I wouldn’t stay gone too long if I were you, but I’d stay gone long enough for the group to finish their conversation and move on to the next.  The next day, be sure to bring a box of donuts to the office.

Bribery succeeds where bullshit fails.

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CLICK HERE to see what other people are asking or

visit http://HottywoodHelps.com/Ask-Hottywood

Shake and Bake…I Mean Wake and Bake

Have you ever sat at your desk and wondered what you were going to eat for lunch? Of course you have. Who hasn’t? But have you ever awaken from your morning slumber (I mean at home, roughly between 5:30a and 6:30a – BEFORE WORK – not “sleep-at-your-desk” slumber) and wondered what you were going to eat for breakfast, lunch, AND dinner? I can’t say everyone has done it. I mean it’s possible, but more likely if you wake up with the munchies, you stoner!

Only greedy human hoovers who’ve spent their entire night sucking up one end of a ganja stick wake up with cracker crumbs on their brains. Don’t think you’re fooling anyone. When you’re announcing to a room full of colleagues at the morning all-hands staff meeting that you’re hungry and you’ve already mapped out your dinner menu, everyone knows upfront that you are going to fail next week’s surprise drug test. Oh, and SURPRISE…it’s no surprise! So don’t be surprised when someone (or everyone) says “I told you so,” during your termination you just got canned last day of work party.

Just say NO; only never say NO to your cafeteria lady…or your weed supplier.

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Quote of the Week:  “There is a chemical in weed called “Fuck it.” If you can just get that into your system it will change your life.”

  

Hottywood’s HORRORscopes: Week of June 1-7, 2014

Find out what’s in the cards for you this week.

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Capricorn

December 22 – January 19

If crap was money you’d be rich! You’re going to be full of two things this week: Shit and drama.

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Aquarius

January 20 – February 18

You’re going to have Athletes Foot in your left armpit. The worst part is you’re going to spend the rest of the week trying to figure out how the hell this is possible.

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Pisces

February 19 – March 20

Your farts will take on a personality of their own, much like Dr. Jeckyll and Mr. Hyde.

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Aries

March 21 – April 19

All of your breakfast meals will take like strained corn chips. Try brushing your teeth for a change.

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Taurus

April 20 – May 20

You have something to smile about; your deodorant hasn’t given out on you yet. Things are looking up.

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Gemini

May 21 – June 20

The only answer you can muster up to anyone’s question is, “Because I said so, biatch!” Watch your back. Someone is going to whoop your ass.

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Cancer

June 21 – July 22

A blessing is headed your way in the shape of either an onion loaf or possum poop. It’s going to be a good week, though a little funky.

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Leo

July 23 – August 22

Looking at yourself in the mirror will make you realize just how allergic you are to stupid people.

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Virgo

August 23 – September 22

It’s time to take on the personality of someone else because no one likes who you really are right now. Either stop or start being an asshole.

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Libra

September 23 – October 22

If anyone asks you what that thing is on your lip, just tell them you were stung by a mutant bumble bee. Your secret is safe with me.  O_~ We can shake on it. NO KISSING! #Shields

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Scorpio

October 23 – November 21

I would only order shrimp when eating out, if I were you. Any other kind of food may not be what you expect. However, food poisoning = some days out of work. If you’re unemployed…well, never mind.

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Sagittarius

November 22 – December 21

Life would be so different if you’d have only made the right decision when you had the chance.

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Quote of the week:    “The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades.”