Find out what’s in the cards for you this week.

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Capricorn

December 22 – January 19

If crap was money you’d be rich! You’re going to be full of two things this week: Shit and drama.

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Aquarius

January 20 – February 18

You’re going to have Athletes Foot in your left armpit. The worst part is you’re going to spend the rest of the week trying to figure out how the hell this is possible.

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Pisces

February 19 – March 20

Your farts will take on a personality of their own, much like Dr. Jeckyll and Mr. Hyde.

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Aries

March 21 – April 19

All of your breakfast meals will take like strained corn chips. Try brushing your teeth for a change.

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Taurus

April 20 – May 20

You have something to smile about; your deodorant hasn’t given out on you yet. Things are looking up.

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Gemini

May 21 – June 20

The only answer you can muster up to anyone’s question is, “Because I said so, biatch!” Watch your back. Someone is going to whoop your ass.

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Cancer

June 21 – July 22

A blessing is headed your way in the shape of either an onion loaf or possum poop. It’s going to be a good week, though a little funky.

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Leo

July 23 – August 22

Looking at yourself in the mirror will make you realize just how allergic you are to stupid people.

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Virgo

August 23 – September 22

It’s time to take on the personality of someone else because no one likes who you really are right now. Either stop or start being an asshole.

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Libra

September 23 – October 22

If anyone asks you what that thing is on your lip, just tell them you were stung by a mutant bumble bee. Your secret is safe with me.  O_~ We can shake on it. NO KISSING! #Shields

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Scorpio

October 23 – November 21

I would only order shrimp when eating out, if I were you. Any other kind of food may not be what you expect. However, food poisoning = some days out of work. If you’re unemployed…well, never mind.

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Sagittarius

November 22 – December 21

Life would be so different if you’d have only made the right decision when you had the chance.

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Quote of the week:    “The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades.”