Find out what’s in the cards for you this week.

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Capricorn

December 22 – January 19

Bribery succeeds where bullshit fails.

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Aquarius

January 20 – February 18

All you need is food, air, and sex to survive. And maybe a whoopie cushion.

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Pisces

February 19 – March 20

Someone finds out you put one little GPS tracker under their car and suddenly they’re all, “ooh, I can’t trust you.”

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Aries

March 21 – April 19

Something strange is afoot today. Tomorrow that something strange will be abutt.

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Taurus

April 20 – May 20

Every time you interrupt someone, you lose 30 seconds of your sex drive.

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Gemini

May 21 – June 20

Never trust a guy that keeps his maid locked in the bathroom.

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Cancer

June 21 – July 22

Your shoes and hands are the first things people look at when they see you. Don’t let your fingernails look as if you’ve been working on cars all day.

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Leo

July 23 – August 22

These days, $100 won’t buy you $20.

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Virgo

August 23 – September 22

Do not be embarrassed because your skin is a fun color and you wear stupid clothes.

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Libra

September 23 – October 22

If you are ashamed of anything you did this weekend, you had a good weekend.

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Scorpio

October 23 – November 21

Friends are few and far between. Cheeseburgers are not.

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Sagittarius

November 22 – December 21

You have less wrinkles in your forehead. Someone got laid last night.

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Quote of the week:    “In order to win a battle, one must first believe in the success of the mission.”