Find out what’s in the cards for you this week.
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Capricorn
December 22 – January 19
Bribery succeeds where bullshit fails.
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Aquarius
January 20 – February 18
All you need is food, air, and sex to survive. And maybe a whoopie cushion.
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Pisces
February 19 – March 20
Someone finds out you put one little GPS tracker under their car and suddenly they’re all, “ooh, I can’t trust you.”
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Aries
March 21 – April 19
Something strange is afoot today. Tomorrow that something strange will be abutt.
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Taurus
April 20 – May 20
Every time you interrupt someone, you lose 30 seconds of your sex drive.
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Gemini
May 21 – June 20
Never trust a guy that keeps his maid locked in the bathroom.
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Cancer
June 21 – July 22
Your shoes and hands are the first things people look at when they see you. Don’t let your fingernails look as if you’ve been working on cars all day.
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Leo
July 23 – August 22
These days, $100 won’t buy you $20.
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Virgo
August 23 – September 22
Do not be embarrassed because your skin is a fun color and you wear stupid clothes.
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Libra
September 23 – October 22
If you are ashamed of anything you did this weekend, you had a good weekend.
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Scorpio
October 23 – November 21
Friends are few and far between. Cheeseburgers are not.
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Sagittarius
November 22 – December 21
You have less wrinkles in your forehead. Someone got laid last night.
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Quote of the week: “In order to win a battle, one must first believe in the success of the mission.”
