Find out what’s in the cards for you this week.
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Capricorn
December 22 – January 19
Working from 8 to 5 and playing from 7 to 4 leaves you with just enough time to fill those bags under your eyes.
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Aquarius
January 20 – February 18
If you’re lucky, you may see Elvis Presley buying C batteries at a 24 hour Walgreen’s.
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Pisces
February 19 – March 20
Waiting for a ship at the airport will make perfect sense if you smoke an ounce of weed and drink two beers first.
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Aries
March 21 – April 19
Nothing says revenge like 50,000 rotten eggs and a chainsaw.
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Taurus
April 20 – May 20
Your butt is so big you will enter all rooms doggy style.
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Gemini
May 21 – June 20
You may know the difference between right and wrong but you struggle with the difference between right and left.
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Cancer
June 21 – July 22
If Scope fails, gargle with cologne.
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Leo
July 23 – August 22
How you reorder your priorities will matter a great deal after you’ve been fired.
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Virgo
August 23 – September 22
You’re sure to get inspiration from old Vanessa Del Rio movies.
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Libra
September 23 – October 22
A childhood memory reminds you that you are deathly afraid of grown men dressed as hot dogs.
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Scorpio
October 23 – November 21
You’re eager to show someone the ropes. And by “ropes,” I mean your private parts.
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Sagittarius
November 22 – December 21
You’ve been taking shortcuts lately. All that will stop after you’ve been greeted by a family of renegade doberman pinschers.
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Quote of the week: “A deaf husband and a blind wife are the perfect happy couple.”
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