Find out what’s in the cards for you this week.

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Capricorn

December 22 – January 19

Working from 8 to 5 and playing from 7 to 4 leaves you with just enough time to fill those bags under your eyes.

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Aquarius

January 20 – February 18

If you’re lucky, you may see Elvis Presley buying C batteries at a 24 hour Walgreen’s.

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Pisces

February 19 – March 20

Waiting for a ship at the airport will make perfect sense if you smoke an ounce of weed and drink two beers first.

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Aries

March 21 – April 19

Nothing says revenge like 50,000 rotten eggs and a chainsaw.

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Taurus

April 20 – May 20

Your butt is so big you will enter all rooms doggy style.

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Gemini

May 21 – June 20

You may know the difference between right and wrong but you struggle with the difference between right and left.

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Cancer

June 21 – July 22

If Scope fails, gargle with cologne.

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Leo

July 23 – August 22

How you reorder your priorities will matter a great deal after you’ve been fired.

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Virgo

August 23 – September 22

You’re sure to get inspiration from old Vanessa Del Rio movies.

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Libra

September 23 – October 22

A childhood memory reminds you that you are deathly afraid of grown men dressed as hot dogs.

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Scorpio

October 23 – November 21

You’re eager to show someone the ropes. And by “ropes,” I mean your private parts.

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Sagittarius

November 22 – December 21

You’ve been taking shortcuts lately. All that will stop after you’ve been greeted by a family of renegade doberman pinschers.

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Quote of the week:    “A deaf husband and a blind wife are the perfect happy couple.”